anilthakraneyonsunday

Where did Keenan go wrong?

2011-10-27T13:24:00.002+05:30

There’s this guy called Keenan Sentos who was killed when he and his pals objected to some drunken mawalis teasing their lady friends. This happened in Mumbai, and crime happens every hour in the city, so this is nothing really sensational.

However, the incident set me thinking, because this sort of a thing can happen to any one of us in public places. No one knows for sure what really transpired at that paan shop in Andheri, but we know this much: The group was waiting for their paans to be prepared. A couple of drunkards teased the girls in the group. The men objected, and either abused or slapped the drunkards. The drunkards returned with a large gang which attacked and killed Keenan, apart from injuring his male friend. Thankfully, the girls got away unharmed.

Question is: What is the learning from this tragedy for the rest of us? What exactly went wrong? Should we not protect and stand up for women with us? Of course, we must. That’s a given. A chap may wimp out, out of fear, but it will torment his conscience forever. At least that’s the traditional view point. So where did Keenan & gang go wrong? Frankly, I have no answers. And hindsight is always smart, but to live in the moment is another story altogether.

Still, here’s what’s buzzing in my head: When a drunken man teases your female partner/pal, there’s really no point in attacking him. The man is not in his senses, and is capable of any sort of reaction. The idea should be to move away from the scene as quickly as possible. Is moving away a sign of cowardice, should not a man take some direct action against the offender? Not really. I think for a man, the first responsibility is to get the woman with him into a safe zone. Her safety is paramount. If this is tantamount to escaping a volatile situation, so be it. Make no mistake about this: Any man who takes panga with sozzled mawalis is compromising the safety of women with him. And there’s nothing macho about that.

Two, after having fobbed off the drunkards, Keenan and his pals continued to wait for their paans. Now, however out of the world the paan might be, doesn’t it make sense to quickly leave the area? To get away from a place of potential conflict? Isn’t continuing to hang around there a sign of recklessness?

Like I said, I don’t know the answers. If you do, you are welcome to share. I am only thinking aloud. Because while Keenan’s death is irreversible, it must serve as an example for all of us so that we don’t repeat the same mistakes.

There’s something about Anna

2011-08-17T12:20:00.003+05:30

So then how did this obscure, unknown old man manage to capture the nation’s collective imagination? Why is the junta, cutting across social, caste, religious and regional divide, whole-heartedly supporting him? What has gone into the making of the mighty Brand Anna?

Here are three possible explanations:

1. There has been a crisis of leadership in this nation for a long time now. People of India sorely miss a leader they can respect and trust. The last formidable leader we had was Mrs Indira Gandhi (despite her short comings) and there has been none of note after her death. Rajiv Gandhi flattered to deceive. Atalji could have been that leader but he owed his allegiance to a highly communal parent, and the Gujarat riots happened under his watch. Apart of these two, our leaders have been either inefficient or corrupted or both.

In this scenario, out of the blue, trots in a man endearingly called Anna. And using the forgotten methods of Bapu, he promises to clean up the nation. He has no shady past, he seemingly has no affiliation to a political party, he stands for non-violence, and tells us things we want to hear. It’s simple, really. Anna Hazare has quietly occupied a vacant slot in this nation. That of a leader we were all looking for. And I daresay if a referendum was to be held in this nation tomorrow on who should be our PM, 99.99% of the people will choose Anna. And the rest would opt for Dr Manmohan Singh. Such is the crisis of leadership in the nation.

It must also be noted that a vast majority of the populace has no idea what the Lok Pal bill stands for and how it will cure the scourge of corruption. People aren’t rooting for the bill, that’s just a symbolic tool…. they are rooting for Anna, the leader of the masses.

2. In politics, perception is more important than reality. No one knows if Anna Hazare has a hidden agenda behind his Lok Pal crusade, no one knows if there are secret forces propelling his march, no one knows if what he really wants is a grand entry into politics. And frankly, no one cares. All this nation is clamouring for is a clean leader who can get things done. All we are looking for is an honest, decent, go-getter messiah. And Anna fits into that perception very nicely. The Congress leaders tried very hard to kill that perception, they tried to fling crap at Hazare by calling him corrupt, but it didn’t work. Because no one cares, really. So what if he blew up two lakh rupees on his birthday, we asked. That’s a bloody paltry sum compared to the looting and plundering the Congress has done on this nation for decades. It’s the perception that’s the most important thing. Anna can do no wrong, we have already decided that in our minds.

3. What also seems to be working for Anna is his immensely charming persona. He LOOKS like a man we can trust. And when it comes to leadership, don’t underestimate this factor. He is 70+, a senior citizen, and still wants to bring about change in a nation in which he realistically speaking has no personal stake. This makes him a crowd favourite. Indians are emotional people, and we can’t sit back and do nothing when an old gent is out there fighting for our rights. In addition, Anna LOOKS like a really sweet grandpa, Santa Clause if you will. He is the father figure we never had. He is the affable Dadaji we want in the house. He is that cute teddy bear we all adore. We all want to reach out to him, protect him, hold him. Once again, don’t underestimate the importance of his personality, it is playing a huge role in his success. Just imagine for a second, even with all his noble intentions, if he looked like Om Prakash Chautala or HD Deve Gowda. The crowds would have vanished a long time ago.

CAUTION: FOR ADULTS ONLY!

2011-07-07T17:12:00.002+05:30

This post is meant for those who enjoyed the filthy language of Delhi Belly. Those who made this absolutely (and literally) crappy film a huge box office success. Those who believe obscene cinema is equal to great cinema. Those who believe hurling and hearing gutter words in public places is a hip and cool thing to do. And those who are happy that the bar has been lowered really low in Hindi films.

I was thinking if Mr Delhi Belly Aamir Khan were to re-write classic Hindi film dialogues, how will they read? Here’s a golden collection. You can add your own.

Now, some of you will enjoy these. The rest will get repulsed. I am hoping, really hoping, you belong to the latter group. In any case, alas, you are probably reading the future of dialogues in Bollywood films.

“Sara shahar mujhe Bose DK ke naam se jaanta hai.”

“Bh.. wa Mogambo khush hua!”

“Ch… ye, kitne aadmi the?”

“You b……d, main tumhaare b…..d bachche ki maa banne waali hoon!”

“Kanoon ki g….d bahut badi hoti hai!”

“Ruk ja! Kanoon ko apne haath mein mat le! Apne l… d ko apne haath mein le le!”

“Yeh dhai kilo ki g… d jab phat ti hai, aadmi unth ta nahin, ch…d jaata hai.”

“F…… g taareekh pe F…… g taareekh pe F…… g taareekh pe F…… g taareekh!”

“Aapke t.. ts bahut khubsoorat hain. Inhe choli ke peeche rakhna, nahin to maile ho jaayenge!”

“Ek m…… d machchar aadmi ko hijra bana deta hai.”

“Senorita, bade bade shaharon mein aisi f… k all baatein hoti rahti hain.”

“Pushpa, you b… ch. I hate tears.”

“What’s your f… king name, Basanti?”

And the culpability of the parents?

2011-04-21T11:20:00.002+05:30

Very recently, there have been a few cases of suicides reported in Mumbai, by young married women who were allegedly tormented by the in-laws. In at least two cases, the unfortunate, desperate ladies also took the lives of their little children, and I can’t think of a sadder tragedy. Remember, such incidents that happen in urban India get a wide media coverage. One can only imagine the number of similar suicides in India’s heartland, most of which don’t get reported. Or even noticed.

And quite rightly, criminal cases are filed against the in-laws. Most of them don’t reach their logical conclusion, as abetment to suicide is almost always oral, therefore difficult to prove in a court. And the accused often don’t leave footprints behind. So the cases inevitably collapse, and the alleged culprits walk free. But that’s another story.

What disturbs me is the role (or the lack of it) of the girl’s parents in these gruesome incidents. That never gets discussed, never gets investigated, and perhaps if it was, the rate of such suicides may actually reduce. Let’s never forget that when a dependent woman gets harassed by her in-laws, her only recourse for help, emotionally and otherwise, is her parents, brothers and sisters. And if that doesn’t happen, if her folks are unable to provide support and understand her predicament, the poor woman has nowhere to turn to. And this helplessness could be a key catalyst for killing oneself.

Questions that need to be asked: Did her parents agree to give dowry during the marriage? If so, they have already participated in the sad outcome. Most in-laws who crave dowry will never be satiated with a one-off payment, and much like blackmailers, will keep returning for more. Did the parents insist that the tormented woman ‘somehow’ make the bad marriage work, to ‘compromise’ and live with her wicked in-laws? Did they fling the stigma of ‘social badnaami’ of a broken marriage in her face? Did they offer to support her financially when she expressed the desire to move back with her family? Did they take her frantic phone calls seriously? Were they there for her??? Questions, questions, questions. And they never get answered.

Point is: Sure, put the errant in-laws under serious pressure. But parents must also do some hard soul searching on how they contributed to their daughter’s death. Directly or indirectly.

Hum sab chor hain

2011-04-08T11:53:00.001+05:30

I am quite certain a vast majority of the Hazare fans have little idea of what exactly the Lok Pal bill is all about. And no, they don’t even care. Basically, the citizens were waiting for an opportunity to vent their frustrations out on the corrupt netas, and Hazare sahib provided that platform. In fact, I think the real turning point of the movement was when a group of feisty volunteers kicked some politicians out of Jantar Mantar. That gesture made many fence sitters jump to the side of Hazare. We are all Annas now. And we want the dirty, slimy, creepy chor netas punished. Big time.

Fair enough. I think the angst is more than justified. The politicians of India have been sucking the nation dry since independence, and it was high time the usually apathetic nation revolted. So far so good. And surely the Lok Pal bill will be passed under Anna’s watchful eye, and corrupt practices amongst the political class will get a little controlled.

However, simply fixing the dirty netas isn’t the solution. Because corruption runs in our arteries, we have all contributed to it, we are all corrupt, we are all chors. Because in our raging anger, we seem to have overlooked one key factor in the equation: It’s just not possible for our leaders to be corrupt unless we, the people, are corrupting them. So the source of bhrashtachaar is actually us. Not the netas. We give them votes in exchange for television sets. Industrialists ‘donate’ them funds in exchange for licenses, permits and other favours. We fall at their feet when they ‘grace’ our lives with their whirlwind visits (thus acknowledging them to be our monarchs and mai baaps). We are happy to bribe them to get our kids into good schools, secure government jobs, get plum transfers, get water connections, get jhopadpattis legalized, get out of legal troubles… the list is endless. And worse, we also ensure the babus, the police force, the custom officers, the municipality clerks, the lower court judges, the RTO dudes, the IT officers, etc, etc, also get bribed so we can benefit out of turn in every walk of life.

In short, we have made the nation corrupt. We are the real chors out here.

So yes, by all means support Anna. More power to him! By all means stand up for the nation. By all means diss the greedy netas. By all means wear the ribbons and the topis and the badges.

But do also take a moment off and stare at the mirror. Long and hard. The root of the problem is staring you in the face.

6 reasons why India will not win the Cup

2011-03-13T14:06:00.002+05:30

No, this post isn’t a knee jerk reaction to last night’s incredible loss to South Africa. Have been meaning to write this for some time, but was stuck with more pressing matters.

1. Crowds: Historian Ramachandra Guha said this to me, and I totally agree with him. The intense crowd pressure and the explosive media hype gets into the heads of our cricketers. And they succumb to it. Only Sachin and Veeru are immune to it… the former because he’s mentally strong, and the latter because, a la Salman Khan, he lives on another planet. India will always find it difficult to win a big cricket tournament in India. Their best bet is the foreign soil. History will bear this out. And those crazy ads like ‘Jeetana padta hai’ egg on the crowds to go madder and more unreal than they already are.

2. Sachin: The entire attitude has been all wrong. And the Aussie players, who we chronically accuse of indulging in ‘mental degradation tactics’, were actually right about it. The players want to win the Cup for Tendlya. That is both, stupid and morale deflating. You play for your country and not an individual. However godly his status. It is always about the team. This impetuous on Sachin may be de-motivating the others in what is very clearly a team sport. The 1983 Cup and the 2007 T20 Cup were won because there was no god in the team. Everyone was equal, everyone pitched in equally. That is the reason the Aussies consistently win. They have no gods. Incidentally, this attitude also puts needless additional pressure on Tendulkar.

3. Dhoni: India’s ‘lucky mascot’ is slowly losing his lucky charm. All the talk about India’s best ever captain has affected his mind set. And the cool, earthy approach of the past has given away to an egoistic temperament. His seems to be indulging in nepotism (sub standard players are being selected over meritorious ones). And the impression going around is you have to suck up to the captain if you want to retain your place. That is a disaster. Not just for a sports team, for any organization. Also, the bad ego. If the media says Piyush Chawla is bad news, Dhoni MUST select him to prove them wrong. Another disaster. One more thing: Dhoni has forgotten the art of solid batting. Big loss, that.

4. IPL: The IPL has diluted the hunger to succeed for some of our boys. This is perhaps also why they are all busy sprouting beer bellies. Consider this: Gautam Gambhir has just been credited with 11 crore rupees in a single year by Shah Rukh’s team. That’s serious money in the kitty already. Ditto with Yusuf Pathan. How much does it matter to them then if we win or lose the World Cup? Their life is already sorted out, man. And I am not even going down the endorsements road.

5. Pathetic bowlers.

6. Even more pathetic fielders.

Yes, despite all the above, we could win. Because all it takes in a limited overs match is for a rival team to have a bad hair day. However, we need to get real about our expectations. And we need to keep the emotions in check. A tough ask with Indians, for sure.

What to do about these uglies?

2011-02-16T11:04:00.001+05:30

Mumbai Mirror has been running a terrific campaign against those illegal, sick and ugly posters that politicians and their chamchas put up all over the city. If the traffic doesn’t boil your blood, these slimy ‘art works’ certainly do.

Now while the Mirror’s effort is laudable, sadly, nothing will change. After some hurried pull downs, these eye sores will be back with a bang once the dust has settled. And the newspaper has moved on to another compelling issue. This is because chamchagiri is at the heart of Indian politics (even Sonia Gandhi richly rewards sycophants), so the sucker posters will go on.

So then what’s the long term solution? I can think of only one way. There are these sadistic youngsters who, because of not much life of their own, go around town in the nights spray painting on cars and walls. This is a criminal deed for sure, but we need to find a way to channelise their excess energies into something positive. Something for which we can thank them rather than curse them.

I really wish these dolts would do their number in the middle of the night on these sad posters. Deface them with spray paint. Carve out moustaches, devil horns, and other unprintable lovelies. So that when the netas drive out in the mornings to enjoy the chamchagiri, they squirm and panic and order immediate removal of these rocking posters. And with time, the frightened chamchas will quit this practice and stick to sucking up in other ways.

Anyone reading in know these ‘spray artists’, please spray the word!

Post card from a hospi

2011-01-08T17:54:00.001+05:30

Between Christmas and New Year, the best imaginable thing happened to me. I found myself admitted into a hospital. For the very first time in my life, so it’s a lovely memory that shall remain with me. Although I was sedated, dazed and confused all along (as is the case with most patients), a couple of observations need to be recorded.

I checked myself into a ‘twin sharing’ room (a fatal mistake in hindsight). While this helps keep the bills in check, it’s also the correct thing to do given the paucity of hospi beds in this country. Additionally, the idea of a single room with a television set doesn’t appeal to me. There’s something not right about watching a cricket match while in the next room a poor cancer stricken bugger chokes over his own blood and passes away, followed by loud wails from his near and dear ones. This actually happened one evening. I heard two sounds at one go. Sobs of a newly turned widow, and crowds going ballistic at the fall of a wicket. And this dual audio play is nerve wrecking to say the least.

Yet, the ‘twin sharing’ room concept doesn’t work in India. I was hoping that just as it happens in the film ‘The Bucket List’, I would, as Jack Nicholson did, find my Morgan Freeman and together we’d take off on a road trip and do all the things we always wanted to do before death comes calling. What I encountered instead was a nightmare. Because that repugnant Indian habit of giving a damn for the other guy extended itself into the hospital: Loud cell phone conversations that go on and on well into the night. Relatives of the patient conducting their private businesses while pretending to show support for the patient. People arriving in hordes (by deceiving the hospital guards) to check on a single patient. Exactly as they do at airports to see off a relative flying to Pune for the weekend. I kid you not, at one point, there were 11 sods who’d come together to meet the chap on the next bed. And that’s when I lost my cool and had them all bodily ejected. And of course, these hordes use the patients’ toilet. So if sickness doesn’t make you retch, the foul odours from the washroom will.

To all those reading in, one humble request: Okay, give a shit about my space and rights at all public places, but can you not show a modicum of empathy in a hospital? Is that too much to ask for?

Net result: I am checking into a single room the next time (and I do hope that time never comes!). Even if my budget and my conscience doesn’t permit it.

The doctors were fantastic, but a special word for those souls who work their hearts out but get basic pay and little recognition: The nurses. Although I was not in my senses at most times, I recall three sisters vividly, though all of them were very caring and helpful. There was Ranjita in the ICU, who took all my pain away one evening by chatting with me on Maharashtrian cuisine and politics. And we spoke in Marathi on how to prepare delicious misal, on how the Shiv Sena operates and where it’s going wrong. The only time she blushed was when I asked details about her boyfriend. I later realised she did all this to keep my mind away from the deep discomfort I was in.

Then there was Anitha in the ICU again. Who treated me a like a family member. She didn’t balk for a second while swabbing my body, including the shameful parts. And she removed all the tubes from my body without using pain killers, and I didn’t feel the slightest pain. Because all along she smiled widely and in her Mallu accent, kept regaling me with fun episodes from her long lost village in Kerala. With Anitha around, you don’t need pain killers. She is the pain killer.

And then there was Jeenamol who took great care of me on the last two days. And made sure she rounded off my exit on a happy, delightful note. We became buddies by the time I caught the elevator to leave. And we did a little high five to ring in the New Year, much to the scandal of the on-looking CCTV cameras.

Why am I telling you all this? These sisters are angels in disguise. Khuda ke bande hain yeh log. They earn a pittance and have a near zero personal life. Make them smile while they take care for you, in case you land up in a hospital. Address them by their names. Thank them. That’s all they need from you. That’s all they need to feel a bit happy in their otherwise totally dreary lives.

We, the lynch mob

2010-12-11T12:12:00.001+05:30

Some years ago, I had gone to meet up with my CA at his office located close to Charni Road station, Mumbai. As I was walking towards where I had parked my car, I heard a massive commotion at a kerb. Some fifty people had gathered and were mercilessly beating up a couple of young men. Already there was blood on the street. When I rushed to check what was afoot, I was told the two had been spotted running with a bag of valuables, apparently stolen from one of the offices located in the area.

While a couple of us tried to stop the mob, someone else called the cops. But the mob fury raged on relentlessly. And by the time help arrived, the chaps were almost dead. And then everyone simply walked away non-chalantly. Bank clerks, businessmen, courier boys, hangers-on. Some venting their own frustrations on the alleged thieves, others simply enjoying a good chance to have a go. And no, it didn’t occur to anyone that, one, what they just did was illegal. And two, that, for all they knew, the boys weren’t guilty as charged. Those minor details don’t matter when you spot an opportunity to deliver a fist of fury. What fun!

Now, I am sure this is nothing new. And this regularly happens on the streets of India. So far so bad. Then, an explosion happened in the Indian TV media. And suddenly, the lynch mob landed inside the TV studios. And this time they were a bunch of convent educated, designer clothes wearing dudes. A few, celebrities in their own right. And night after night, they have been delivering instant justice on any one even mildly accused of any wrong doing. Has he been charged with murder? Hang the bastard tonight on prime time! Has he been accused of molesting a minor girl? Send the swine to jail for life, tonight! Did the poor student commit suicide because his bloody head master caned him? Send the fiend into prison, RIGHT NOW!

Yup. It’s the same lynch mob in action. Only, they don’t look like street ruffians. Under the disguise of crusading journalism, our TV anchors have not just been lynching alleged criminals, they have been delivering tabartop justice as well. From inside air-cooled TV studios. All in a few minutes of talk time. And it doesn’t matter if the person is eventually found guilty or not by the courts. That’s irrelevant to the ‘breaking news’ hysteria. The TV mob has already finished that suspect. For life. No wonder Ratan Tata says we are turning into a banana republic. Sure, we are.

And ironically, this time, the same poetic justice has been delivered to the TV journos, post Radiagate. Barkha & gang have been attacked by a massive lynch mob in the cyber space. Some of the slander and abuse going around isn’t even printable. The twitterati junta has already made up its mind: the journalists are guilty and must be made to pay. Right now!

So, virtual lynching is now the new form of street justice. The net has opened up doors to all sorts of cads, losers and frustos. And they have been merrily tarnishing reputations, firing in all directions indiscriminately, a la Ajmal Qasab. It’s a free for all out there. It’s as if the animal lynch instinct surfaced as the mouse came in hand. And all of them get away with it, despite leaving their foot prints (unlike the street lynchers). Because cyber laws are not in place, and it’s impossible to sue every dolt who wants to have a go.

So, god help you if you trip even slightly now. The lynch mob is ready to fire.
On the streets. In the TV studios. And in the virtual world.

Notes on Radiagate

2010-12-01T18:31:00.004+05:30

In a way, am actually happy that the ‘leakage’ happened. Doctored or not, the conversations on the tapes provide an insightful, first hand revelation of how politics works in this country. Of course, we always knew there’s a lot of hanky panky at play. Except now we can HEAR with our own ears how politicians, bureaucrats, industrialists, power brokers and journalists (!) collude with each other to screw this country. So will things change? Probably not much. Guess the various constituents will be a tad more careful from now on with their murky dealings. And will only cut deals aboard private yachts. Still, it’s a stinging slap on the face of our great democracy. Maybe, just maybe, some soul searching will happen and that can only be a good thing.

On a lighter note, we finally got to hear the real Ratan Tata. We always suspected the reclusive tycoon to be a suave, cool, lady killer when the stiff suit is off. Well, he is. Cannot really blame Ms Radia for drooling on the phone.

Cut to Ms Niira Radia. (Maybe I should change my name to Aniil!). Technically, there’s really nothing wrong with what she’s done. It’s actually incorrect to term her a lobbyist. She’s a power broker in every sense of the word. She represents corporates with a clear mandate to use her networking skills in the media and political circles to influence political decisions. So, she was only doing her job for a fee. So let’s not hang her. Let’s get after people who succumbed to her methods and charms.

And that then brings me to the main point: The role of the journalists. That cannot be forgiven. Because it’s quite clear that nearly forty political journalists (and this includes editors) crossed the Lakshman Rekha of journalistic ethics. We don’t know if they actually took action on the demands made by Ms Radia (no politician will own up… they need these worthies in the future to run their businesses without much fuss). But the conversations reveal something frightening. The intense bonhomie and camaderie they share with a power broker. A broker, who quite obviously, is out to manipulate the political system so that her corporate bosses can benefit.

I have been a journo for some years, and although nowhere in the league of such biggies as Vir Sanghvi and Prabhu Chawla, one thing I learnt pretty early in my career: To keep a safe distance from PR agents, lobbyists and other pushers. In fact, one would duck their calls. And even when we speak, it is always a polite, ‘Hey, can you e-mail me your client’s details?” And no more. Which is why it’s a trifle difficult to buy the theory that the journos were stringing a source, or building a source, or humouring a source. It’s laughable, actually. The day we have to rely on pushers to break news, is the day when we have gone bankrupt of ideas.

As for the journalists themselves, only Vir Sanghvi has decided to discontinue his Sunday column for a while. This is a correct move. When your credibility is being questioned, there’s really no point in continuing. Best to take a break, do some hard soul searching, try and clear your name, and then return afresh. And Barkha Dutt, at least, allowed cross examination of herself. As for the rest of the Johnnies, life goes on as if nothing happened! What they aren’t willing to accept is that the scandal has hit the Indian media’s reputation really hard, and a recent survey indicates that journos are now rated on par with plumbers in terms of credibility. Thank god pimps weren’t listed in the study, they would have scored higher. The ideal thing should be that all the accused journos must quit. For the greater good of the profession.

Finally, a small note on Barkhaji. Because she’s at the center of the storm, and quite expectedly so, since she’s the queen of Indian television news media. I don’t think she’s corrupt at all, but she does get carried away during a crisis, and loses her sense of calm and proportion. We have seen that even during the 26/11 carnage. It is likely that in the excitement to break news, she got excessively pally with the power broker, and now regrets it. What was disappointing to see during her interrogation (no doubt a brave move) is continued arrogance and self-righteousness. When all she had to say was, “Sorry, I messed up this one!”. But let’s not target her alone. The scam puts a whole lot of journalists in the dock.

Net net: Indian media barons must understand that journalism is the last hope of this nation. Everything else is compromised. If people lose faith in the media, there’s really no one left to trust. Hope they understand the gravity of the situation and launch a massive Operation Clean Up.

A problem called Saint Arundhati

2010-11-15T18:07:00.004+05:30

Make no mistake about it. Ms Roy writes stupendous literature. Her mastery over the English language, her ability to craft scintillating phrases, is par excellence. I am huge fan of her writing skills. I also fully support her right to freedom of speech, as the rest of us enjoy.

So far so good. Now here’s where things go awry: Ms Roy is a one-book wonder. That one book, which won her the Booker, turned her into an international celebrity overnight. It became her ticket to fame. And we were all proud her. And we wanted more. Of her fine prose. And rivetting fiction.

But that was not to be. Ms Roy forgot all about telling stories, and jumped right into dark realism. And became a self-styled social activist-cum-column writer. Well, okay, nothing wrong with that, we said. If she could bring her skills to the fore to effect social change, what can be better than that?

The real problem began when she suddenly turned into a hardliner leftist, so to speak, and began writing extremely one-sided and immensely militant opinion pieces. Which essentially are one hundred per cent against the State. So in Ms Roy’s opinion, The Great Indian State is a monster that grabs land, rapes poor women, murders innocents and is out to inflict dirty capitalism on the unsuspecting masses. And the opposers to the Sate are all angels. Especially the Naxals, ‘Gandhis with Guns’ in her flowery language. And oh, Kashmir has been usurped through force by the monstrous Indian State, and it must be freed ASAP. (What will become of it after azadi is irrelevant, of course.)

Most of us in India summarily reject her thoughts. Not because what she says is all balderdash… she actually makes very significant points on the damaged democracy called India… but because her views are extreme, biased, jaundiced, and at times, illegal. And too black and white for any sort of credibility. So we enjoy her prose, and shrug at her volcanic tirade against the nation.

But here’s the bigger problem: Because the one-book wonder is the Booker prize winner, we have to drink her regular dose of poison. And pay the price. Her frantic, over the top, one-sided, paranoid rants get happily covered by the global press. And leave behind a totally distorted view of the nation. I was in London recently, and discovered that some locals have begun to equate her with Aung San Suu Kyi. And are convinced Ms Roy has been terrorised by the monstrous Indian State. And that she too should be awarded a Nobel Peace. And granted asylum in the UK with full honours.

In short, Ms Roy has become a larger problem than we all care to think. And with the Mother Teresa-isque image she enjoys globally, under no circumstances can the state act against her, even when she breaks the law repeatedly under the guise of freedom of speech. Because that one act will actually get her international sainthood. Which is probably what she now covets

So, all that India can do is sit back and enjoy her glittering prose. And bear the cross that she has become on our collective necks. There’s nothing we can do about it. I also imagine Ms Roy welcomes it when we trash her. That she revels in the mud slinging. Because that only adds to the cult of angeldom.

Boy, I wish, how I wish, Saint Arundhati returned to penning fiction. We have lost a fine writer. And are stuck with a beautiful hate mongerer.

Should these teachers face a jail term?

2010-10-10T13:50:00.002+05:30

I was slightly disconcerted with the pictures of the La Martiniere principal and some other teachers being arrested. Sure, they were later released on bail, but the media pressure on the men is so enormous, it’s clear jail time awaits the masters.

For those who don’t know, the teachers inflicted some caning (and perhaps some other humiliations) on a boy in the school. Unable to handle it, the poor kid went ahead and killed himself. A very tragic situation, and one’s heart goes out to the bereaved family. They must be in trauma.

Now, by no means is one justifying corporal punishment (yes, it’s great that it’s deemed illegal now). But my question is: Is it fair that the school teachers be charged for instigating suicide, and be punished on that account? It is highly unlikely that the punishers either wished for or expected that the child would take his own life. All they did was to break a law… which is to indulge in corporal punishment… and at the most should face some heat on that count. But abetting suicide?? I think that’s over the top.

Here’s why: Almost all of us boys were caned and struck and insulted by our teachers and head masters in the school days. I particularly recall being caned many times over by our school principal, the tough Sir William Dias (may his soul rest in peace, he was a good man!). And it was usually because I was late to school or had forgotten to snip my hair. And many other boys in the school faced a similar fate. But I don’t think any one of us went ahead and slashed our wrists. We used to get annoyed at first, then have a good laugh, and move on. In fact, here’s a funny episode: One fine Monday morning, Sir Dias arrived in our classroom, and he wasn’t in a particularly pleasant mood. And he caned and threw out almost all the boys. Ordering that we must return only after a decent hair cut. And I recall the few of us who were left behind, also pointed out to Sir that we needed a cut too! And got caned and thrown out as well. So about 20 of us lads spent the entire day playing cricket and generally enjoying an unexpected hol! (As the girls were busy mugging away their lessons, hehe!) And no, no one died. And no, neither did we have that hair cut… barber shops used to be shut in Mumbai on Mondays in those days.

Which brings me to the main point of discussion: How can a teacher possibly tell there is an ultra sensitive boy in a school of hundreds? Should not the parents take some responsibility as well, for not being aware of their lad’s fragile temperament? Were they available to the boy when he was feeling traumatised? Had they created an environment in the house which allowed for a hurt child to freely confide in the family? In short, did they play the role of shock absorbers, which all parents are supposed to play for their young children? Some tough questions need to be asked of the parents as well. That would be fairer.

Bottom-line: Yes, one feels sad for the family. Yes, it’s difficult to ask them searching questions in their devastated frame of mind. Yes, it’s a tragic story, so the media gets tempted to get after the ‘villains’. And make sure they go into the slammer.

But, this just isn’t just. Think about it.

Judges as politicians.

2010-10-02T17:32:00.002+05:30

While there is a sense of relief that the HC judgment did not lead to a round of street riots (though the calm is a bit uneasy, one must quickly add), some issues need to be considered.

Many eyebrows have been raised over the strange verdict. And quite correctly so. It’s as if going against all tenets of our Constitution, the three judges seem to have arrived at their judgment based more on personal beliefs, subjective views and ‘greater good’ considerations, rather than strictly follow the law. Which is why no one is entirely happy (not necessarily a bad thing!) and all the parties involved are moving to the Supreme Court.

The issue I want to raise is this: I actually endorse what the judges have done. In fact, I quite understand where they are coming from. The large political parties, whose leaders are supposed to play the role of the executive, have shirked away from taking a call on this dicey issue. Simply because they have carved out India between themselves (based on religion/caste/language considerations), and would find it impossible to resolve this issue in a parliamentary debate (which is actually the way national contentious issues need to be resolved).

With the executive having excused itself from doing its job, the judiciary is compelled to step in and do the honours. The judges, after all, don’t need votes from the junta to further their careers. Although this is shameful, as the people who ought to be deciding the nation’s future are the people’s elected representatives, I am happy that the judges have voluntarily agreed to perform that role, as someone’s gotta do the dirty work. In that context, I think we should all be pleased that the judiciary, in this case, exceeded its mandate, and invoked mythology, emotions and peace considerations to judge an issue that in ideal circumstances must purely be judged on legal parameters. That the judges put India first. Rather than the books.

Think about this: Had the High Court judges acted purely as judges, it is very possible that the title of the land would have been wholly awarded to one of the parties. Because whatever evidence you dig up, it is simply untenable to arrive at judgments based on what may have happened 500 years ago. Or earlier. And if the entire land had been awarded to one party, one can be pretty sure that would have resulted in a huge unrest in the nation. And possibly riots and other criminal activities. The one-third formula was announced so that the nation remains at peace. Clearly, the judges have played the role of politicians and arbitrators. In other words, the role that the parliament should be performing.

And therefore, instead of questioning their motives and methodologies, we should actually be applauding them.

Having said the above, two points: One, it is critical that people who demolished the masjid in 1992 are punished. Because that was a criminal act, any which way you look at it. That is paramount if we need real closure on this issue. And once again, if the government is too chicken to take a call on this, the judiciary must take independent, suo moto action.

Two, now that the case has moved to the Supreme Court, one sincerely hopes the judges take another twenty or thirty years to pronounce the final verdict. The reason? All the fossilised leaders (both, political and religious), the dudes who are constantly trying to push India back into the medieval age, would have moved on from this world. (Good riddance, if you ask me.) And a Brand New India, circa 2040 AD, may just want to have nothing to do with Ayodhya. So the judgment can be pronounced without palpable fear on the streets. And maybe, just maybe, we will finally get a hospital at the site. Which is the most ideal way out. Where, instead of 1/3rd mandir, 1/3rd masjid, etc, we get 1/3rd orthopedics, 1/3rd cardiac care, and so on. That is the India the new gen deserves. Surely.

Indian Media in 2020.

2010-08-29T11:18:00.005+05:30

(This article is originally carried in the IMPACT mag anniversary edition.)

Print: Survival is the key
Print will survive in India. At least for the next ten years. And the vernacular press, even longer. But many of the recently launched newspapers and mags will continue to bleed, yet most will linger around, hoping for the best.

What the publishers aren’t understanding, or are unwilling to accept, and I have no reason to believe better sense will prevail in 2020, is this: The technology revolution of the recent times will have completely taken the wind out of the sails of print, unless some serious changes are executed in the content, form and style, starting NOW.

Let’s take the tough Mumbai English newspaper market as an example. The Times of India is doing a great job. So far. That it will steadily lose readers amongst the younger segment of the populace is something they will have to come to terms with. And find quick solutions. Right now, it’s far from getting there. The No 1 newspaper is still stuck to the traditional ways. What’s even more intriguing is the attitude of the other newspapers like the HT and the DNA. They continue to play the role of Minnie-me to the Times. Nearly 90% of the news content is the same across all the morning dailies. Even the Page 3 party pics are the same! What are these publishers waiting for? Are they still living in denial about the tech revolution? Do they still see only the TOI as their rival in the coming years? If so, they are on a self-destruct mission. When the TOI loses readers, it will lose them to the Internet and the cell phone, and NOT to rival newspapers. That’s the hard truth.

Logically therefore, as readership plummets, newspaper publishers will face severe times in terms of revenues in the coming years. Yet, due to their obstinacy, they will refuse to re-invent. The question is: What is stopping these people from taking risks and experimenting big? Or, are they not able to read the writing on the wall? What is preventing them from changing the rules of the game? Here’s my theory: One, it’s gotta to do with the proprietors who aren’t visionaries themselves. And are content to live by the day. And two, most of the senior editors are from the old-world school of editing. They are set in their ways of presenting stories, and are refusing to adapt to the challenges of the future. And some of them try floozy tricks like putting out ‘bulletin board’ news on their front pages. This ‘cool invention’ keeps their proprietors happy, but does zilch for the newspaper’s future. Short, crispy stories is not the answer… websites do that job perfectly well, thank you very much.

Ditto with magazines. Almost all of them seem to be stuck in time. Same old gloss, same old boring formats, same old style of cutting stories, same old everything. And when you do see a change, it’s almost always cosmetic.

This lack of vision and revenue pressure will result in some appalling developments. In order to make whatever little money they can, print publications will be forced to carry paid news. Political leaders and business managers will drive their revenue agendas with planted stories. We already got a whiff of that in the last Lok Sabha elections. And at the time, it was mainly the vernac papers and mags that sold out. This will happen with the English press too. Salaries have to be paid, no?

Net net: I think there will be a bloody mess in the newspaper and magazine industry in the next ten years. Unless they totally re-invent themselves, unless the proprietors become brave, take tough decisions (like getting rid of the traditional editors… no chance of that happening), the future looks quite frightening. What I do know is this: I am NOT investing in any shares of print companies. In fact, the few I had, I offloaded enmasse last year.

One favourite optimistic line put out by the old worlders is that print will survive because you can’t take your computer to the potty. Even that theory got busted two years ago. Both my nephews, under 30, merrily crap over tweets.

Ads in print:
The quality of print ads has been dead for a long time, as Piyush Pandey went on to hire his TV-obsessed ‘clones’, and all these heartland guys are now running various agencies. As for the commerce, since ads will run camouflaged as news, why would marketers spend money on real ads? Ergo: Not much hope for print advertising at all! Unless of course the media barons re-invent fast.

Television: Sensational future
Television is gonna rock for the next ten years at least. No question about that. Despite the digital boom. And essentially because the family dinner TV viewing habit of the Indians will not end for the next two generations at least. India already boasts of the highest number of news channels, and more will add to the clutter in the coming years. The reason: every businessman and his granny wants to own a news channel. It’s a new high, a new drug, after coke snorting became infra dig. The ultimate status symbol. It doesn’t matter, of course, if these people don’t understand the news business or journalism at all, that’s a party-pooper discussion.

So let’s discuss the news channels first. While there will be the odd crusading story aka Jessica Lal, the channels will continue to go from blunder to blunder, and learn nothing significant from their journalistic goof-ups. Because of the massive competition in the coming years, news breaks at all costs will be the order of the day, rules of good journalism be damned. And yes, the bhoot-pret stories will continue to rule on the Hindi news channels. If at all, the stories will get increasingly corny. A typical story in 2020: The well of the Lok Sabha is haunted by General Dyer’s bhoot. And that’s what makes our netas lose their shirts, saris and minds out there. Breaking news, that! Enjoy, bugger!

Arnab, Barkha, Rajdeep & the merry gang will roll on with their colourful chat shows. And so will all-season experts like Suhel Seth, Prahlad Kakkar and Pooja Bedi. Being seen every night on TV is a power drug… politicians bow to you, movie stars send out birthday greetings, kids at traffic signals ask for autographs, and first class upgrades at airport check-ins happen without asking. Who would delegate such power and pelf? No chance! The youngsters in the news rooms will continue to be what they are today: nobodies. So the same faces will rule, and by rotation, win the ‘TV journo of the year’ award, right till 2020.

Entertainment channels will bloom too. Perhaps there will be forty odd Hindi GECs vying for your attention each night, with their own versions of family dramas. The current rage of village and mohalla stories will fade out in a few years. And will make way for KJO sort of tales. Don’t be surprised if the top soap in 2020 is about an NRI family settled in Switzerland, and their lives and times. Sex and sleaze levels will go through the roof. The new saas will be seen to be enjoying a ‘Sex and the City’ lifestyle, instead of burning her dear bahu down. Seismic changes in ten years, people!

As the GECs push the sex envelope, the so-called ‘music channels’ (they play everything but music anyways) will get alarmed. So their shows will go berserk in sleaze programming. The 2020 reality gig in these channels will involve simulated ‘wardrobe malfunction’ events on the ramp. Audiences will vote in to decide who dropped more, and that model will be declared the winner.

But the biggest threat to GECs will not really be the internet or other entertainment channels or the sleaze channels. That will come from the Hindi news channels. This is already happening, but I think in 2020, a substantial number of housewives will be found watching rivetting soaps on Star News rather than on Star Plus. In fact, I think Rupert Murdoch will be left questioning the necessity of Star Plus.

Fraud reality shows will go on as well. The next level will involve conducting totally insane things. Adventures like surviving in a house or a jungle will be passé. Singing and dancing competitions will be history. Poisonous cobras will be unleashed into people’s homes (starting with Rakhi Sawant’s apartment), and their horrors recorded. Programming heads will only hire horror story writers. Live exorcism rituals will be another super reality show idea. The Ramsays will make a come-back.

Ads on TV:
Will continue to thrive. In fact, TV will continue to be the ad showcase of the best India has to offer. Not that digital media won’t attract ads. The main reason being that all of the top Indian agency heads are only TV savvy. And they just don’t understand or appreciate the power of the new media. And not one chief creative director is planning to retire in a hurry.

Radio: RIP
Absolutely no future at all for this medium! With the age-old demon of the licensing fee Raj still to be exorcised, and I see very little hope of that happening any time soon, there will be very few private FM stations on air in the next ten years. Many of them are already in the ICU in terms of financial cancer. Which is a good thing, if you ask me. I quit listening to FM Radio many years ago. Ever since the cackling cacklers fashionably called RJs took over the air waves, ever since they starting belting out non-stop asinine gyaan while chatting live with moronic callers. And ever since they proudly began doling out Himmeshbhai’s nasal twang… in short, ever since they stopped playing the effin’ music.

One good thing that happened is that as FM dumbed out and went massy, music downloads from the internet went free and easy. Many of us switched back to the good ol’ CD player in our cars. Now Radio FM in India essentially caters to the lorry, taxi, auto and bus drivers… and servants, tailors, dhobis, plumbers, electricians and maalis… not really a prized target market for advertisers. Okay, am exaggerating a bit. There are enough loaded suckers for this sort of audio trash in our metros… the same dudes who spit out shiny red amrit from their shiny red Honda Citys at the traffic signals. (No wonder one station is called ‘Red FM’.) That ensures some amount of ad revenues for the radio barons. So that’s cool.

But what flummoxes the mind is this: all the FM stations are basically clones of each other, and this makes very little sense. You can switch from one station to the other and will tell no difference at all. The same mindless cackling, the same Himmeshbhai, the same stupid queries from callers… the torture goes on relentlessly. It’s actually the same story as is with rest of the Indian media. Saas-bahu soaps work on TV, and all channels produce clones. Village stories work on TV, and all channels produce clones. Page 3 pics work in newspaper supplements and all dailies produce clones. The same old herd mentality. Not one radio station has tried to introduce seriously off-beat programming. This is the other big reason only those few barons with very deep pockets will survive in 2020. Funny, no? Your survival is dependent on you doing something original, and yet you operate your studio as a photo copy machine centre!

Given the above, the only way forward in the survival path for FM radio in India is for the I&B Ministry to allow the stations to broadcast news. Hard news. That will change the rules of the game, as many of us would be tempted to log in while in the car, Himmeshbhai notwithstanding. That way radio will have the power to beat television news channels at day time, and could result in a rise in listenership numbers, and consequently ad revenues. Of course, even then we’ll hear the same news across all stations (what to do… we are like that only), but at least the interest in the medium will see a revival. God only knows if and when that will happen.

And if it doesn’t, the reverse countdown for the stations has already begun. Passion for the medium can only take the proprietors thus far, as Tariq Ansari of Mid Day might have realised by now. Where passion ends, finance managers take over. A pity, really. To see such a promising, vibrant medium on its way to the graveyard. Mainly because of incompetent, idealess programming heads. And an apathetic government.

PS: Of course, the Vivid Bharati will continue to chug along, churning out high mediocrity, as it has done for all these decades. They won’t shut shop. We pay for their bills, you see. Just as we do for the other dearies called Doordarshan and Air India.

Ads on radio
There will be advertisers wanting to target the paan spitter. So radio should garner some business. But the ads will continue to be as dumb and life-less as ever. That’s because agency creative directors see very little glory in this medium. Twenty years ago, radio scripts were palmed off to the hapless trainee copywriter. It’s still pretty much the same. Piyush Pandey would much rather return to client servicing than write creative for radio. Even if the advertiser is Fevicol.

Digital: Is the future
There are enough tech wizards in this country to give you solid gyaan on this medium. And am sure some of the worthies have done that in these pages. I am pretty tech challenged, and am still unaware of what GPRS stands for. So let me only state the obvious truth: 2020 will see the digital media take over our lives (and this includes smaller towns and villages) in a big way. For those under forty, this will be the medium for shopping, getting news, bill payments, networking, working, entertainment, travel… even locating shady massage parlours. The cell phone, more than the computer, will be THE medium most advertisers will target. Not to speak of the Kindle, the Ipad… and god knows what new high tech gizmos that will arrive into our lives in ten years.

Here’s what I suspect will be my lifestyle in 2020, that’s if I am still alive (the jerks have installed a cancer-spewing cell phone tower atop my residential building): Morning: Check facebook updates, reply to comments, chat with the pals, etc. Check breaking news on the SMS box. Over a cup of tea, read the news and opinion columns on the phone, and select sites and stories that I want to surf. This makes me my own editor-in-chief of news and views (all the high and mighty editors of newspapers and TV channels to please take note… I will NOT need you in my life any more!). On the potty, it’s tweeting time. Or other cool networking sites that would have arrived in the next few years.

Travel to work in the car, listen to music on the phone, pay off some bills, get some work done on e-mail, etc. Then in the evening, on the way back home, finalise place for dinner, make seat reservations, leaf through a best seller, chat on facebook, watch a flick, catch a sports match… all on the phone, of course. You can now extend this diagram and it will work nicely in any activity in life. PS: I may watch a little TV at home in the night… and that too because the family wants to sit together and ‘bond’. Or, if there’s been a terror attack and I want to capture the ‘drama’ on large screen. But that’s about it.

As you would have noticed, there will be very little place for the traditional media in my life. And although I am no Dr Vijay Mallya or Mukesh Ambani, I happen to be the target market for many a consumer products. And the advertisers know how to reach me. Which is why the rest of the media needs to be terribly worried.

The question is, are they worried? Well, not really. As I have discussed elsewhere in this IMPACT anniversary issue, owners of print and TV media are busy going about their routine lives. As if this was 1984. As if nothing much is happening in the digital space. The order of the day is to begin re-inventing like RIGHT NOW. And be prepared before 2020 arrives like a digital tsunami. I think the first step should be to give the marching orders to all the old-thinking, fossilised, have-been editors and programming heads. People who are used to the conservative ways, old dogs who will not learn new tricks. They need to be phased out. And either young, tech-savvy visionary content people get promoted from within the existing staff pool, or the proprietors need to look elsewhere to find the right people. No, this isn’t going to be simple. Editors usually tend to be addicted to power and perks, and won’t give up their kursis very easily. But it has to happen, there is no other option. There’s no point in waking up in 2020, by which time it might be too late.

Ads on Digital media:
The same issues confront marketers and creative directors. Most of them still seem obsessed with TV commercials. Yes, the TVCs will go on, but how many of the agency creatives understand the digital space? Is there enough talent in the industry to take on the medium? Are there enough training programmes being put into place to improve tech knowledge levels? Are the National Creative Directors consciously hiring talent specific to the digital business? I don’t think so. I think the uncles and aunties are still busy hiring clones of each other.

Out of home: Boom time!
“I think that I shall never see,
A billboard lovely as a tree;
Indeed, unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.” - Ogden Nash

Well, Ogden Nash could well have been predicting the Mumbai skyline, come 2020. We won’t see a single tree. If they haven’t been all razed to the ground because of the real estate construction, they most certainly would be to accommodate that yet another horrendous eye-sore called the hoarding.

No, ‘out of home’ isn’t really a content medium, so to speak. Unless you include all those sexy cut-outs of voluptuous babes on certain hoardings. Those sure provide some amount of stickiness (pun unintended!). Or, you could include those giant cut-outs of Mayawati and the Thackerays (mostly illegal), showing you the finger, which makes your day on the way to work. Still, it’s an important medium of the future, in term of advertising.

There are many issues plaguing the hoarding ‘industry’. Well, actually it’s more of a cottage industry right now. Where, as much as 30% of the business is allegedly illegal. And therefore price under-cutting is rampant, contractors charge what they fancy, and of course, there is zero accountability.

And yet, this is one medium that will go on boomingly. And so will the rest of the ‘out of home’ stuff. Hoardings, bill boards, glow signs, bus panels, car stickers, airport kiosks, blah blah… they will all rule. They are of particular use for brands that target localised consumers. And for those that lack the budgets of the mass media. The only threat to the outdoor media could be from the weeping-heart environmentalists. Who, if they have their say, can get a ban ordered on hoardings in the city. Unlikely to happen, that. Too much money in the outdoor media, and as we know, money talks in this nation. And the netas need the medium to sell their faces (it’s free for them.. they just deface what they want, but that’s another story).

For the future, what one should ideally expect are fantastic innovations in this medium. Not just in terms of presentations, but in terms of interactivity and personalisation of messages. The key is going to be customer interface in this space. Again, since I am tech challenged, I can’t predict these innovations, but here’s the sort of stuff you can look forward to. Don’t laugh. You would have laughed if ten years ago I told you a union minister would lose his job because of something floozy called Twitter.

KS Condom vending machines at railway stations: Not only will a sexy girl invite you to make a purchase, she will also help you choose the size… between small and extra, extra large, as she digitally, er, measures you up.

Kingfisher Beer level signage in bar loos: As you get busying peeing, instead of the stupid graffiti you are currently rammed with, a digital meter will tell you exactly how much alcohol is there in your blood, and how much more you can safely consume, depending on your body mass.

Stardust Stripping starlet hoardings: A digital hoarding at Marine Drive will feature Sherlyn Chopra removing her clothes, one by one. Till she’s down to nothing. Of course, this will result in accidents, the MNS will smash some window panes, some PILs will be fired, the CM would promise to take action. And of course nothing will happen. Money WILL talk in outdoor in circa 2020 as well.

Sugar Free Touch screen kiosks at unlimited thali joints: These will tell you what to eat, how much to eat, and most importantly, when to stop eating. Of course, you can show your middle finger to the touch screen.

Maruti 3D billboards at mall parking lots: As in 3D sci-fi movies, a virtual usher will leap out at you, and direct you to a vacant parking slot.

Ritu Kumar Digital translites at boutique shops: These will facilitate payments by just the flash of the credit card. Of course, some joints will clean you out of all your balance, but that’s another story.

Ads in the ‘out of home’ media:
There will be serious pressure on ad agencies to create stunning outdoor campaigns, in keeping with the tech revolution. Once again, like digital creatives, the current crop of tech challenged creative directors will struggle. Net Net: In the last ad industry revolution in 1984, one saw a large migration of Hindi speaking dudes into the ad world. The next big wave will be the mass migration of nerdy techies from the South of India into the ad industry.

Events & PR: Hot, hot, hot!
Strange though it may sound, and I am not joking, but after digital, not television, but PR & Events will be the most promising media vehicles in 2020. That’s where a lot of action and moolah will be. Ten years from now, ad writers won’t be wasting their time writing prints ads (they can’t write them anyways, haha), they will be crafting PR scripts and churning out event plans. Here’s why:

Let’s first look at events. Already, many brands and people (and this includes Bollywood movies, celebrity parties, brand launches and book launches) run events to generate enormous word of mouth publicity for themselves. Events also help build a brand, if done correctly and suitably. In fact, the ad and media events this magazine regularly organises is a good case in point. But it’s the free media blast that events trigger, which is the big turn on.

Which is why, because of the costly mass media rates, we will see events playing a massive publicity role in the years to come. They will feature as a key medium in a media planner’s (read buyer’s… planners are extinct in the media bazaar these days) mix. And Bollywood A-listers will be in an even bigger demand than they already are, as the best way to get media attention is to invite the movie stars over for an event. Even if these beauties have no idea what the event is all about, even if they have no connection with the brand being launched/celebrated, who gives a rat’s arse for such minor details? And if that’s not possible, even Rakhi Sawant and Sherlyn Chopra will be cool items to have around.

So, in 2020, I see an event happening for all sorts of marketing activities. Opening up a paan shop at Lokhandwala Complex? Hold an event! Starting out a new brothel in 1st Pasta Lane? Hold an event! A mochi launching a new outlet at Connaught Place? Hold an event! Buying a new Maruti Alto? Hold an event, bugger! Party regulars will go mad trying to decide which events to grace and which to skip. Tough times ahead for folks like Ashok Salian, Queenie Dhody, Kailash Surendranath and Alyque Padamsee… the party regulars. In fact, I suspect in 2020, a burial or a cremation will also be treated as a major event by some brand managers.

Next: Public Relations. Er, since when did PR become a ‘medium’? Well, it is now a formidable medium, and by 2020, it will be hotter than all the traditional media put together! The reason: again, as the rest of the media gets increasingly costly, marketers will realise the important of free publicity. Why pay for a full page ad in a daily or for a 30 second commercial on TV when you can pay a fixed fee to a PR company, whose pretty staffers will then ensure you get free coverage across the nation? Simple business sense. The only thing one hopes for is that the PR firms evolve with the times too, and start using brains rather than brawn. And go beyond the dull press releases and client ‘entertainment’ tricks. Already, the filmy PR is learning new tricks. Film reporters are often called during issue closing hours with sensational ‘stories’ about the movie or its stars or its directors… all lies basically, but it ensures free coverage. But the PR industry will have to go beyond these juvenile stunts, and become truly professional for a chance to make the most of the impending boom. PR firms that refuse to evolve will fall by the wayside.

Which then brings me to the sad, bad issue of ‘paid news’. The last nail in the coffin of good journalism. Yes, it’s much cheaper and easier than paid ads. Media Net is just a small trailer of things to come. Okay, I shall stick my neck out and make a dire prediction: In 2020, every single media brand’s content will be up for sale. That much faith I have in the current crop of Indian media barons. Jai Hind!

Ads for Events & PR
Ad agency personnel need to roll up their sleeves, and start treating Events & PR as a PRIMARY medium. They will need to come up with deadly strategies and creatives for executing events and engineering PR scandals, if they hope to retain their clients. Balki, Prasoon… start dating the PR chicks from tonight for some inspiration!

My driver’s lunch dabba

2010-08-24T16:03:00.002+05:30

A chance conversation with a friend got me curious about my driver’s lunch box. So yesterday I went across to the parking lot at lunch hour, to suss exactly what he eats for lunch. And I was left stunned and depressed at what I saw: Three thin chapattis and one small katori of chutney. That’s it! No sight of any basic veggies, forget richer stuff.

So I asked him the reason for this boring lunch. And what he told me is exactly what one feared was happening: His family has quit buying sabzis for a long time, they can’t afford them anymore. It’s only on a Sunday that they ‘celebrate’ with daal or a veggie. And yes, this deadly diet is also what his little school going kids consume.

One can safely extrapolate from this example, and we would not be wrong to assume millions of lower middle class Indians aren’t eating properly anymore. The ridiculously high prices of veggies has knocked them out of the food chain. Now, poverty and malnutrition isn’t new to India, it has been on since Indra Gandhi’s stupendously failed ‘Garibi Hatao’ joke. Except now, even the lower middle class isn’t able to purchase basic food items, they seem to have been pushed further down into the lowest spectrum of India’s populace.

So then what are we doing? We are busy spawning a whole new malnourished, weak generation in this nation. Kids, who when they grow up, would perhaps be physically and mentally ill-equipped to deal with life. Because even the most basic nutrition is not available to them in their formative years. Because their parents can no longer afford to prepare a decent meal at home.

And while all of this is happening, as the prices of pulses and veggies go beyond the reach of the Congress’s beloved aam aadmi, we are hearing words like The Nuclear Deal. World’s Next Super Power. Economic Giant. Global Leader. World’s Human Resource Capital. Fortune 500 Industry Leaders. And we are blowing up multi-billion dollars on a travesty called the Common Wealth Games, which will regale a few, and has already lined the pockets of the already rich. And while a whole lot of grain lies dead, for rats and other rodents to feed on.

I don’t think Sonia Gandhi and her geriatric boys are aware of what my driver eats for lunch these days. I don’t think they care. But then they must not be surprised when things like Naxalism happen. When crime levels rise. When people resort to violence to be heard. They must not be surprised when one day the mal-nourished Indian junta decides to hit back. With whatever little strength their bodies can conjure up.

Post card from the sky

2010-07-24T18:21:00.003+05:30

So this happened on the emergency exit seat of the Kingfisher flight from Bom to Del. Two seats, and another one near the aisle, a fold-back for the airhostess to sit during landing and take off.

I am at the window seat, pretending to be asleep. On my left, a high-flying suit. During take-off, the air-hostess occupies her seat. The conversation between the two went on like this:

He: Hi, I am (can’t mention his name, unfair!). Do you often fly this sector?

She: Yes, sir. I am from Delhi, so this route is good for me.

He: So you are from Delhi! I like Delhi girls, they are all very sweet.

(She faintly smiles.)

He: I am based in Calcutta. But I was at work in Bombay, and am flying to Delhi for a very important high level meet.

She: All the best for that, sir.

He: Oh, that’s okay. No big deal. I am the Vice President of (can’t mention the name of the company, unethical!), so these are routine meetings.

(She smiles. Someone’s mobile goes off, she rushes to check on that, since it’s take-off time, and then returns to the seat, frowning.)

He: Some people never learn! So I was saying, I went to sleep at four in the morning, had a very late night. So I missed the Jet flight in the morning, and had to book this one. I usually fly business class, but my secretary booked me economy on this one due to last minute pressure.

She: That’s very nice, sir.

He: Which hotel do you stay in Delhi? Or will you go home?

She: I will have to stay in the company guest house, since I fly back tomorrow early morning.

He: No hotel? Poor you! Must be because of the recession!

(The flight is airborne now, the seat belt sign is off. She gets up and leaves. All through the flight the suit tries his best to chat me up as well, when I am not ‘sleeping’. I do what I am best at in these situations: give out a bad vibe.)

Next conversation: At landing time. The air hostess is back.

He: Oh, hello again! I was saying I was at this party last night. I ran into some very interesting people. Anurag Basu, Subhash Ghai, Karan Johar… Have you seen Udaan?

She: No, sir. But I hear it’s a nice film.

(At this stage the suit whips out his Blackberry, and quickly opens the images folder. And shows the pics to her. Not realising his phone is supposed to be in the off-mode.)

He: See, here I am drinking wine with Karan. And there, that’s Malaika Arora in the comer…

She: (Glancing at the pics.) That’s nice, sir. You must have had a great time. But you need to switch off your phone, sir…

He: Oh yes yes, just wanted to show you some pics.

(Goes silent for a few seconds.)

He: I was thinking, maybe we can catch up in Delhi…

She: (Smiles.) Yes, we could, Sir.

He: Maybe we can check out that superb new restaurant at Hauz Khas. Manish Tiwari, a great pal of mine, recommended it. I am in a BMW taxi all day… I can pick you up…

(She smiles. She glances in my direction, out of worry perhaps, but I am ‘asleep’.)

She: Sir, let’s see…

He: I was thinking, if you give me your number, I can call you…

She: (Only smiles.)

He: Come on, lady! One drink! Will be fun!

She doesn’t respond. The flight has come to a halt, and she flees from her seat.

Defeated, the suit looks in my direction. I am ‘wide awake’ now. He gives me a sheepish smile. “Hi. You live in Delhi, Sir?’

Why, Viveka, why?

2010-06-26T17:24:00.003+05:30

Here’s what I wrote when Nafisa killed herself. While we still don’t know why Viveka did ditto, it’s a good time to visit it again. No, we effers still aren’t worth it.
(Click on the images to enlarge.)

Why must we care about these people?

2010-06-19T11:15:00.002+05:30

Here’s what surprises me about the Mukesh/Anil saga: wonder why their story hasn’t been turned into a TV soap as yet. It’s got all the ingredients that can keep the nation hooked for weeks, months, even years together. Business rivalries, stock manipulations, political machinations, raw ambitions and naked greed, family fall-out, court cases, serious bad blood and most importantly… kitchen politics.

Ah, kitchen politics. I have always believed (and I recall writing about this five years ago in Sunday Mid Day), the seed of the break-up was actually planted in the Sea Wind rasoi ghar. Abominable though it may sound, I deeply suspect the chain was triggered by a clash between Nitaben and Tinaben. Hard to prove, but quite plausible. We mustn’t forget the massive egos at play out here… Anil is only two years younger to his bro, and just for that reason alone, he would be loathe to playing second fiddle all this life. Something no man, or more significantly, a wife would digest.

But here’s the important question: Why must we care about the Ambani feud? How does a private family break-up affect us? (The Ambanis are, after all, self-serving businessmen, like all businessmen are, and couldn’t care if the rest of us lived or died.) Well, unless you are a shareholder in their companies, you shouldn’t care. 99% of the nation has nothing to do with the brothers directly. And yet, we seem very interested in their lives. Why so? The obvious answer is because they are very rich and very famous, and therefore evoke interest among the masses. Sure, that’s a good enough reason. But I think it’s deeper than that.

I think it’s gotta do with the fact that we Indians are deeply emotional people. We believe in family, or at least want to believe, and we don’t like the idea of brothers fighting. Which is why the conflict between Arjun and Karan of Mahabharata saddens our collective hearts. Which is why countless hit Hindi films have been made about brothers itching to die for one another. We want families to stay together and be happy. We want happy endings. Period.

I think more than anything else, the recent thawing of the Ambani’s icy-cold relationship makes us happy on that level. We are the Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum people. Irrational, but so be it. Not financial, it’s emotional, and that’s what defines us.

Anyway, to go back to the kitchen, I suspect the best bet for the brothers to totally resolve their issues and even operate together is for the two bahus to kiss and make up. That’s where it all began. And no, nothing will please us more than a phull phamily photograph.

Total desi soap opera.

BJP’s downfall is our downfall.

2010-05-27T12:34:00.005+05:30

A few points to consider as the UPA Part 2 completes one year in power. They actually did not win last year. The BJP and its allies lost. Make no mistake about that. Had the opposition party been strong and in some degree of good health, am quite certain Sonia’s government would have been shown the door by the voters. This was the situation last year: Terror on the rise, Naxal activities on the rise, prices on the rise, corruption on the rise, and rank bad governance by the Congress-led state governments (particularly in Maharashtra, which has been the most shoddily ruled state of all times). And things continue to be in limbo.

Sadly, the BJP was in tatters. Horrible leadership. Juvenile election tricks. Divisive agendas. Rabid infighting. Confused ideology. Uncharismatic netas. Whatever the Indian voter might be, one thing she is not: stupid. No one in their right minds would vote for such a messed-up party. To compound matters for the BJP, even its allies were either busy defecting or were in shambles themselves. (The Shiv Sena, for example, has been on the path of self-destruction for some time now. And is on its last leg.)

Ergo, we voted the UPA back in only because of the curse of TINA (no, not the Ambani bahu). There Was No Alternative. And what’s worse is that a year down the line the BJP is still confused about its ideology, there is no clear leadership, and their new portly leader, Shri Gadkari, is going from one goof up to another. From one perplexing statement to another. Already, there’s news of power struggle amongst the younger BJP leaders.

And the Congress leaders know all this. Damn well. They know they have no competition. They know their best bet is to do nothing. That itself will ensure they keep getting re-elected. Anyone who watched the PM’s presser (and managed to stay awake) can figure Dr Singh is basically chilling, warming the kursi for the Gandhi scion.

Which brings me to the point: I feel sad that the BJP is on life-support. Mind you, I have no love lost for that party, and I singularly hold Advani responsible for all the riots and terror of the last two decades… that man has been a shraap on this nation. But equally, it’s critical that this nation has a powerful opposition, so that the Congress and its allies don’t take a billion Indians for granted. Only a threatening opposition will force the government to take risky decisions, to do SOME work. To cut corruption, and come out with fresh solutions to the many problems we face. And just for that, I wish the BJP well. I wish they get their act together. Else, we can be sure of another decade of non-action and mis-rule.

Think of those days when there was only one phone supplier. Only one scooter maker. Only one car maker. Only one airline. We consumers used to be treated like dirt, spoken to rudely, and taken for granted. While the nation has moved on from there in leaps and bounds, as for politics, we find ourselves in the same monopolistic situation. Sad.

Get well soon, BJP. You owe it to the nation.

Introducing, BOW Awards 2009

2010-04-09T15:29:00.002+05:30

(This article was originally carried in IMPACT mag.)

By Anil Thakraney

It’s that time of the year. When the best of best (hopefully!) ads will get honoured in sunny Goa. So this time, we decided some of the lemons must also find their rightful place in the sun. After all, they too worked really hard. To create the most banal, the most irritating, the most sadela pieces of work.

Take a BOW, people. For the winners of the ‘Best Of Worst’ Indian advertising, 2009.

PS: There were a million other silly ads not even worth considering. So that should make the winners just a wee bit proud. At least they got noticed!)

1. The ‘Rubber Duck’ Award of the Year: rediff.com

The commercial features a man in his bathtub, as his rubber duck comes alive and gets crooning. Mr Bath Tub tries to capture this great spectacle on his handy cam, when his newspaper turns into a paper dog, while his handy cam starts singing as well. This is followed by even more bizarre stuff. 'Just your stuff', announces the super. Dull, dull, dull. And very painful to watch. Surely the most ducked commercial of the year.

2. The ‘Zero Chemistry’ Award of the Year: Reebok Hexride

The most thoughtless casting of the year. Reebok Hexride roped in brand ambassadors Dhoni and Bipasha Basu. Maahi looked lost and Bips looked hot.

The commercial features a long sequence of the two racing across the streets, attempting to outwit each other. Because Dhoni isn’t able to emote at all, the interaction between the two goes for a toss. Poor Bips. She can’t pull off a movie on her own steam, how could she do that with an advert. Suddenly John Abraham felt like an Oscar winner.

3. The ‘Navel Gazer’ Award of the Year: Tata DOCOMO

Tata DOCOMO’s ‘Friendship Express’ commercial was downright infuriating in its narcissism. The TV commercial features people from different nationalities on a train, complete strangers joining in to recite Tata DOCOMO’s totally rubbish, ear-ache inducing jingle. Wish the Naxals had hi-jacked that damned train.

4. The ‘High Flatulence’ Award of the Year: IDEA

IDEA unleashed ‘Walk & Talk’ as a part of its social causes based campaign. Basically the idea was to encourage people to walk for fitness. An April Fool’s joke. Especially so when you consider that people anyway tend to walk around while using their cell phones, the signal being eternally weak. Thank god no one took the idea seriously, else many fatalities would have occurred as folks yapped away while walking the bustling city roads.

5. The ‘Twisted Creative’ Award of the Year: Bajaj XCD 135

This one features two crazy sisters involved in a deadly karate fight, in an attempt to finish each other, as we later discovered they were trying to decide who would sit on the ‘one billion’ pillion seat. The twisted sisters made sure this was one of the most juvenile and disjointed ads of last year.

6. The ‘Untimely Death’ Award of the Year: Onida

The killing of the devil made national news, and the subject was heatedly debated on prime time television. And the new campaign for the assorted Onida durables featured a couple called Siddharth and Ritu, and it had the duo exchanging some maha silly banter with each other. No idea, no memory hook, no nothing. Resulting in what can easily be called the most horrendous advertising of last year. The devil must be guffawing in hell.

7. The ‘Dark Ages’ Award of the Year: EBay

EBay released a series of black and white commercials, and the appalling creative strategy was to revive the dark old days of Doordarshan. And so the anchors hired were Messers Fossils, Dr Narrotam Puri and Komal GB Singh, both from DD’s rotting archives. Completely ludicrous advertising, completely irrelevant, and worse, it was not even funny. DD must be happy, though.

8. The ‘Tapori Award’ of the Year: Montblanc

Montblanc positioned the pen as a proud legacy that gets passed down from gen to gen. Fair enough. But they needed a sophisticated actor like Bachchan to pull the story off. Instead, they settled for the ‘poor man’s Bachchan’. Didn’t work. Slumdog Anil Kapoor essayed tapori character roles pretty much all his acting life. He’s as far removed from literature, class and pedigree as are Shakti Kapoor and Rakhi Sawant. Ekdum dhaasu pen ka vaat lagaa dala!

9. The ‘Titanic Disaster’ Award of the Year: Nirma

Desperate makers of Nirma dived underwater for some inspiration. And they floated in mermaids into our lives. As they frolicked underwater, to the beat of lilting operatic music. Good show. But too much of a creative leap for a down-market brand. Only a day earlier, desi chicks called Rekha, Jaya and Sushma were promising us ‘dhoodh si safedi’. Predictably, the mermaids drowned before the year was out.

10. The ‘Get Chicks Free’ Award of the Year: Xylo

More thakela suits and equally more thakeli pretty women. The Mahindra Xylo boasts of some cool plusses. Foldable flight trays, walk-through aisles, flatbed seats, individual reading lamps, digital drive assist system, etc. And what did the commercial highlight? Hard partying duds and tight close ups of tits, legs and arses of bimbettes. All grooving to the eighties track, ‘Have the time of your life!’ Either the Mahindra Xylo managers were utterly confused about their target audience. Or had a very poor opinion of India’s corporate honchos.

11. The ‘Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde’ Award of the Year: Maruti SX4

Makers of the so-called ‘man’s car’, Maruti SX4. decided to tell us who the asli mard was in their judgment. A pucca gentleman otherwise, but the moment he lays his hands on the car’s steering wheel, the fellow morphs into a raging beast. The TVC features a suit behaving pretty decently in public places. But once he gets inside the SX4, the dude lets loose all hell on the road. They should have cast Mr Alistair Pereira in the advert. Neighbours said the chap is basically a nice guy.

12. The ‘Eoooooooow!’ Award of the Year: Nerolac Excel Total

An interesting metaphor was used by Nerolac Excel Total to communicate durability of its paint. They used make-up peeling off a woman’s face to make the point. The TVC stars a boisterous behenji named ‘Papdi Priya’. Overtly decked-up with layers of make-up, she is seen frightening the hell out of everyone on the streets, as her make-up gradually peels off. A totally creepy commercial. Papdi Priya looked like a victim in a B-grade Hollywood horror flick. Almost like Freddy Krueger did his number on her face. Brrrr…

Hold the party yet!

2010-04-02T09:26:00.004+05:30

So people are happy that come May, we’ll see a closure on young Qasab. The honourable judge will first convict him, then pass a death sentence (he has no choice!) and that’s that.

Well, things aren’t that hunky dory. After the sentencing, young Qasab has the option to appeal against the judgment in higher courts. That will take a few more months to sort out. Sure, the honourable judges will eventually uphold the sentencing (they have no choice!), but even that will not ensure closure.

Then, young Qasab has the option to file a mercy plea application with the President of India. Mrs Pratibha Patil will immediately do what ALL Indian Rashtrapatis do: Sit on the application, and get busy cutting ribbons at assorted shindigs across the nation. And hold High Tea Parties for the celebrities. And that file of Ms Patil is full-up already. There is a long list of mercy petitions collecting dust within. So young Qasab will be in a long queue. And in India, that’s the ONLY queue that people don’t jump.

Of course, due to the media pressure she could fast-track young Qasab to the gallows, but that will be an entirely controversial thing to do. Other sentenced terrorists, who are already in queue, will have every reason to feel short-changed. Their crimes weren’t any lesser.

So it may take a loooong time before the hangman is called in. (Meanwhile the dude can switch on his Havells CFL bulb to pre-atone for his impending sin.)

And yup, even after all this, after young Qasab hangs by his neck, will that be closure at all? For the victims? Not really. His masters, the brains behind 26/11, are busy having a blast (intended) in Pakistan. So what joy in killing a brainwashed, penury-driven, uneducated foot soldier?

Yeah, hold the party yet.

Let’s get after the damned RTOs.

2010-02-21T12:26:00.003+05:30

I drive a lot. In the city (when my driver is absconding), and down the countryside (which is a passion, the driver gets paid leave). I have done many long journeys, the most memorable one being Delhi to Bangalore… totally awesome, Outlook featured that yatra, here’s the link: http://www.outlookindia.com/article.aspx?226162
And I have come to a clear conclusion, having encountered lakhs of vehicles on Indian roads: Drivers in India, a good number of them, do not know how to drive. Not only is there no respect for the laws, I am quite sure in many cases people don’t even know the laws! Not even basic rules.

There is a general belief that the main reason for road accidents is driving under influence. Quite certainly alcohol plays a role. (It’s a different matter though that I drive better after a couple of pegs… it de-stresses me… and I must have been a lorry driver in my previous birth, but this is not something I recommend to others.) So there is a massive campaign on against drunk driving in the cities, and that’s a good thing. It’s another story, of course, that the rich get away easy, and that there are no checks on the highways, but that’s not my topic today.

The issue is this: Yet, accidents continue to occur, even when people aren’t sloshed. So why must this be the case? The answer is quite simple: we people DON”T KNOW how to drive safely. And as in all other evils in the nation, the root cause is corruption. Our RTOs (with the help of their pimps), literally give away licenses to kill. These guys distribute licenses like channa watana.

Before I go any further, here’s a confession. Years ago, I too obtained my driving license through devious means. I had gone for a test to the Tardeo RTO in Bombay. I flunked the test, khilaoed 200 rupees, and was cheerfully granted a license. And then what did I do? The very next evening I ran my car into a labourer, but thankfully she got away with very minor injuries. (And yes, I did take her to the hospital, and no, I wasn’t drunk or drugged, just in case you’re wondering.) As usual, I pretended ‘losing control’ of my vehicle. And was back in action soon thereafter! So yes, I am guilty as well of this dirty business.

Net: Our RTOs are essentially doling out death. In no other nation (except Pak and Bangladesh… surely we aren’t in the same league!) can one get a driving license this easily. So what’s the way out of this mess? Only one: the media needs to run a sustained, lasting campaign against the nation’s RTOs. Not the sort they do with the usual stories… milk the masala, suck it dry and then chuck it. It has to be dealt with in the way a Jessica Lal murder case got dealt with. Continuous pressure and hammering till the RTOs get cleaned out. The tests become very strict and the process becomes ghoos-free. And only the truly deserving people get licensed to drive.

Frankly, I can’t think of another way out of this mess. Hope the mass media journos are reading in. With some effort, we can save many lives.

My Ayer was special

2010-02-19T12:14:00.005+05:30

Everyone is well aware of Mr Ayer’s great qualities as a top leader. Let me therefore relate two incidents to bring out the humour and compassion the tough exterior packed in.

On my first day at OBM, where I joined as a nervy, shaky, trainee account exec, I was assigned to work under Chris Bhang (who was an account supervisor at the time). Being a tea addict, when I asked Chris what number to dial on the intercom for pantry service, he matter-of-factly said. “333”. (Chris, you dog!) So I promptly dialled and demanded, “Bhidu, Anil Thakraney bol rahaa hoon, ek chai milega?” I heard some heavy breathing on the other end, and then a fearful nasal twang, “This is Mani Ayer speaking.” I dropped the phone as one would a deadly cobra, fled out of the office building, downed three cigarettes in a row, and contemplated my next career option. (Chris, you dog!!) Anyway, the same noon Mr Ayer walked past in the corridor, and even as I tried to slink away, he caught hold of me, laughed loudly, and ordered the pantry fellows to serve me tea. Don’t think I had chai at OBM for one month thereafter. (Chris, you dog, stop giggling!)

On another occasion, I had to present some Titan Watches ads to Mr Ayer. His secretary, Phil, sweetly informed that boss was out on a meeting the entire day. Assuming he was held up in some corporate shindig, I shrugged and moved on. It was only on the next day we found Mr Ayer had spent the entire day at the funeral service of a peon who had passed away of old age. Not just that, he spent hours with the family comforting them long after the funeral was done. I simply can’t think of another Chairman giving such personal attention for a peon. Most top men would delegate ‘chores’ such as these. But Mr Ayer was a special man. A special boss. A special soul.

In the recent past, Mr Ayer would now and then react to my blogposts, and leave insightful comments. Here’s what he wrote on my post, last year, concerning the general apathy of the state government each time the Thackerays hold the city to ransom. Should give you an idea of how sharp and agile his mind was till his final days.

“Dear Anil, I read your 'Conspiracy of Silence'. Yes, we have a destructive monster staring at us, and the party in power seems to be the only one that seems oblivious to it. Else people like Shivraj Patil, Vilasrao Deshmukh, Ahmad Patel, etc, would by now have been turfed out. Even Bombay's Girni Kamgar Union wouldn’t tolerate such incompetence! Regrettably, all the problems we face are due to the Congress and one particular individual - Indira Gandhi. The Shiv Sena was nurtured during her regime to keep the Communists out (don’t forget she was solely instrumental in kicking out, by 'sleight of hand', the first Left government in Kerala… she hated Krishna Menon, a man with left leanings and thought he was instrumental in ending her father's charisma and stood for elections against a Congress candidate in North Bombay). So in comes Bal Thackeray to do 'seva' for madam, and the list is endless.
Sometime in the early 80s, there was a cartoon that showed two scrolls of honour: One said, 'Mahatma Gandhi's men: Pandit Nehru, Vallabhai Patel, C. Rajagopalachari.’ The other said: ‘Indira Gandhi's men: Antulay, Gundu Rao, Bhajan Lal.’
And if this was to be extended to the 2000's, it would perhaps say: ‘Sonia Gandhi's men: Shivraj Patil, Arjun Singh, Vilasrao Deshmukh.’ That’s progress for our Bharat Mahan!
Unfortunately, Indira Gandhi has so firmly established a political culture that suits every political party including the Left. Symptoms: money politics, rented crowds, dynasties and manipulation. Why won’t the MNS suit this environment?
The answer lies in the Congress being kicked out and staying out of power for a long time which forces them to rebuild without any traces of the current culture-dynasty, cronies, etc. The last time they were out of power was too short (eight years only). Or we should have something like the set-up in Kerala - two fronts with differing philosophies and some similarities. And they get kicked out if they fail to perform. In this format the regional types like the MNS are marginalised (see the plight of the so called Keral Congress or The Muslim League).
Anyway, good luck with your mission. Mani Ayer.”

Rest in peace, dear Sir. You were a truly special man.

(This article was originally written for IMPACT mag.)

Mullicksaab must be smiling...

2010-02-05T11:35:00.003+05:30

I had the great fortune of having worked closely with Suresh Mullick when I was a lowly account executive at OBM (now O&M). He used to write press ads for Titan Watches himself, and my key result area was to make sure the artworks (that was the format used in those days) reached the client in Bangalore in time. Despite being essentially an unglorified courier boy at the time, this close proximity to Mullick told me a lot about the man. Apart from being a solid creative mind, he was funny, easy-going, kind and a very generous soul. Which is why if he were alive today, he’d probably give a rat’s arse for not being given credit for the new Phir Mile Sur film. Not just because he was above all these small-minded things, but also because the sequel is a complete disaster.

However, since he’s not around, it becomes our responsibility (those who worked with him) to set the record straight on the Mile Sur controversy. Mile Sur was ENTIRELY Mullick’s idea, passion, conceptualisation and execution. It was his baby all the way. However, any creative director needs a filmmaker to shoot a TV production, and that was the role played by Kailash Surendranath. It’s possible he made value additions along the way (ad filmmakers are supposed to!), but make no mistake about it: Mile Sur had Suresh Mullick stamped on every frame. In fact, the last crowd shot in the original film consisted of OBM staffers, bus loaded to the Film City!

In this context, it’s both shocking and unfair that the new Phir Mile Sur film ‘forgets’ to mention Mullick. The correct thing, at the very least, ought to have been this: the last shot in the film should clearly have read: “Mile Sur was originally created by the late Suresh Mullick”. But that did not happen.

So then why was this obviously ethical thing not done? No idea. Personally, I would not blame the channel or the sponsors, though they should have considered the issues of proprietary. I think it was incumbent on filmmaker Kailash Surendranath to have ensured this happened. Because he had shot the earlier film, working closely with Mullick, so there’s no way he isn’t aware this was Mullick’s brainchild.

Grapevine suggests Kailash is a bit miffed at not having been given adequate credit for the original version. If this is true, he ought to have raised his voice then. And not found a way to make ‘amends’ years later. As they say in the ad world, a great idea has many fathers...

Anyways, apparently the channel has promised Exchange4Media they will take corrective action, so that’s that then. But here’s the bottom-line: Had he been alive, Mullicksaab would himself have guffawed away this controversy, and would probably have invited Kailash over for some strong beer at the Bombay Gym. And given him some rocking feedback on the sequel, in his inimitable way. Truly talented people are above these petty things.

PS: Isn’t it ironical that this ‘credit’ tamasha should have happened over a film that encourages people to bond and integrate? Life’s a bitch, man.

(This article was originally carried in IMPACT mag.)

That evening, I almost killed myself

2010-01-06T12:53:00.003+05:30

Here’s my fifth standard report card. Check out the phenomenally poor marks and the hurtful comments from teachers. That evening, as I was walking back home, I was convinced of being a hopeless loser, that I had badly let my parents down, and that I must simply kill myself. And as fate would have it, when I returned home, they were showing the film ‘Anand’ on Doordarshan, which I sat and watched. And got even more depressed.

Just then my dad returned from work, and asked me why I was looking so glum. Anyways having given up on life (so what further harm could dad’s pasting do??), I showed him this report card. And his reaction was shocking! He patted me on the back, gave me some money, and said, “Don’t worry beta, all’s not lost. Just keep working at it and am sure things will improve. And even if they don’t, not to worry, I am always there for you. Now go and buy your friends some ice cream and have fun. Just take the evening off and don’t think about it for now.”

That totally unexpected reaction from my dad knocked my socks off, it changed my life. Instead of feeling depressed, I began to feel a sense of self-confidence, a fierce determination to work harder. The next day I asked my dad to get me a private tutor, which he did. And I used that tutor to teach me just one thing: how I could memorise my study material. That the tutor did happily, and he taught me tricks on blindly ratofying my syllabus.

And here’s what happened: I began to mug every subject, without even attempting to understand the matter, and lo and behold! From the sixth standard onward I was amongst the top six rankers, year on year. What this tells us about our education system is just one thing: IT SUCKS! The entire exercise is designed to guage your parroting skills, and that’s it. The teachers gave a rat’s arse whether we really comprehended the subjects. But that’s not the topic of my discussion.

What I want to say is this: That evening if my dad had spanked me, put me under pressure, and said I would never make it in life, I would surely have been dead.

Here’s the deal: I think it’s absolutely silly to blame movies, television programmes, teachers, social pressures and the like for child suicides. At best they can add on to a child’s frustrations, but are never the root cause. The key issue is and has always been: bad parenting. I think parents are mainly responsible when kids take their own lives. I know of parents who put immense emotional pressure: “I have always dreamed of a doctor in our family, my hopes are pinned on you, son.” “You will become a clerk and rot your whole life if you don’t get admission into that MBA school.” “Look at Sharma’s daughter, she’s so smart and talented. Learn something from her, you fool!” And so on. In fact, here’s a great example: We were once shooting an ad film at the Film City. One lad had been chosen to play a minor role in that advert. Now, the poor thing got nervy, and just wouldn’t deliver. The boy’s mom grabbed the child and beat him mercilessly, fearing that her son would lose this assignment. And this made matters even worse. Anyway, the director asked for the mother to be thrown out of the sets, and he himself handled the child. By telling him silly jokes and bantering with him, he could get the boy into a cheerful mood and the film was shot. And yet, as soon as the mom arrived, she again began tormenting the poor kid!

Unfortunately, after the child dies, none of this comes to light. One, because the last thing cops would want to do is harass grieving parents. And two, even if they did, this sort of stuff is impossible to prove. And so, the tragedy keeps happening.

All those middle-class parents reading this, please take note: Quite often, unwittingly, it’s possible you are driving your child to breakpoint. By loading them with unreal expectations, or by hoping that they would one day realise your own unrealised dreams. Or by simply worrying about their future, not understanding that often some kids bloom late in life. Or find their calling late in life.

Now, admittedly, neither am I a child psychologist nor a parent. However, I did want to share my dad’s attitude in the face of a very poor report card of his son. Maybe we can all learn something from that. My dad is no more, but this one lesson he taught me, will stay with me for life.

And yeah, go ahead and snigger at my report card. I am doing ditto!! Haha.

Need special courts for sexual crimes

2009-12-23T11:56:00.002+05:30

The only way to curb (they will never get eliminated) sexual assaults on women and children is for special super-fast-track courts to be created to deal with these particular crimes. These courts should be given a strict deadline of max one year to either convict or acquit the accused.

In this nation where we waste crores of bucks on nonsense stuff (black cat commandos for faltu netas, free air travel for their extended families, etc), surely some money can be used for the safety of the most vulnerable sections of this nation.

And added to this, there needs to be harder punishment spelt out for such crimes, especially cases of molestation, which currently don’t invite harsh punishment. So, bigger punishment, faster judgment is the only way to go. This can and will be the only deterrent against attacks on women and children in our democratic set-up.

The continued non-action of our governments in this matter is appalling. I mean, what are they waiting for? Vigilante justice to become rampant in this country?

Take the case of the Haryana tennis player who got molested by a cop 19 years ago. She killed herself in 1993, and the trial court has only reached the judgment now!!! Isn’t this sheer madness, an insult to the dignity and life of a minor girl? Think of the way the world has turned upside down in the last 20 years to give you an idea of completely non acceptable such a delay is. And even now, unless the media had got into the act, the guilty cop would have simply walked home.

As someone said, “In the history of the world, the true test of a civilization is how well people treat the most vulnerable and most helpless in their society.”
I am afraid we score a big zero on this parameter. Shame on us.

The Big Fat Indian Buffet

2009-11-28T11:30:00.003+05:30

On a ‘package’ holiday, one part of the action that gives me the heebie-jeebies is the ‘free’, ‘complimentary’, buffet breakfast that hotels line up for us. I just can’t seem to handle these, and I usually end up parked in a lonely corner, ordering a la carte, and paying up big for it.
The reason is simple: we Indians totally lack the buffet consumption etiquette, and what should be a pleasurable activity, where you get to partake of various delicacies on display, turns into a nightmare, an event I totally don’t look forward to.
Here are some tips for readers on buffet behaviour, and I have compiled these after many unsuccessful attempts at this mother of all (mis)adventures.

•Just as it’s deeply offensive and uncivil to jump queues at malls, airports and ration shops, so is the case with buffet spreads. If you follow the food line, you will not only enjoy the ride, but reach your choice of platters smoother and faster. Jumping the line leads to chaos in the food chain, and I have seen people viciously elbowing each other out to get at that extra helping of coconut chutney. Makes no sense to me. Folks at the community bore-well queue are more chilled out. And yup, when you arrive for that second/third/fourth/tenth helping, it’s only correct and fair to rejoin the line. But I know this isn’t gonna happen anytime soon. Indians in general viscerally loathe the concept of queues.

•It’s never a good idea to unleash your kids into the buffet consumption process. With the mad frenzy that often gets underway, I have noticed children being trampled upon (ouch!), and I once spotted a little girl crushed between the legs of some heavyweight patrons. Also kids, quite naturally, struggle with the large food dispensers, the lids of some of these contraptions aren’t easy to pull, even for an 80 kg hulk like me. And so accidents become inevitable. A brat once dropped an entire container of steaming hot sambhar on my crotch. Sure, go ahead, laugh. The feeling isn’t funny though, trust me.

•Some groups (especially the undivided family wallahs) attack the spread in unison, much like a pride of lions. Now this is bad news for the rest, as this causes longer waiting periods, but it can’t be helped. I guess some people actually believe in the theory that ‘families that eat together, stay together’. Though I am quite certain whoever wrote that, didn’t have buffets in mind. But that’s cool. What gets my BP raging is the sight of some of these ‘Hum Aapke Hain Kaun?’ clans get involved in heated debates over which dish appears worth trying… the intense arguments over the merits and demerits of each item. Am sure that’s how families bond, but clearly this practice is unfair to folks waiting in the long queue. The correct thing would be to top up your plate, go to the table, and THEN gossip over the cuisine. Or play antakshri, or whatever it is that gets you off over breakfast.

•After you have richly dug into the container, the polite and hygienic thing is to shut the damn thing down. Hotel staffers do all they can to keep the dishes adequately warmed. Either setting them on simmer, or replacing them at the right intervals. Leaving the containers open not only cools the dishes swiftly, it also makes the khana vulnerable to assault from flies. Is that such a difficult thing to understand?

•I kid you not, some food lovers sniff right into the containers, before deciding if it’s aromatic enough for their refined taste buds. Others grope and feel each chapatti/bread before zeroing in on the chosen one. Do you really want me to explain why these acts are totally repugnant and unhealthy?

I could go on, and am sure you have your own list of buffet peeves. All we need to understand is that the concept of the buffet spread is to make the experience of eating brisk, varied and delightful. It’s not meant to be a game of skill, power and crude behaviour.

Hey, me no terrorist!

2009-11-21T11:20:00.002+05:30

To give you an idea of how crazy our intelligence officers can be, here’s what happened when I ran into the Karnataka CM on my recent trip down south. The piece was carried in the Bangalore Mirror. (See below.)

However, before you read it, here’s what you must know about the trauma I faced practically all night after the short interview. I was surrounded by intelligence officers who suspected my background. They grilled me on my name, address, family history, criminal records (not kidding!), blood group, passport copies, ration card copies, hobbies, bad habits, vices… and I don’t even recall what else. The reason? I dared to interview the CM without an appointment!!! And without showing my press card.

Sometime after mid-night, completely pissed-off with this wild, senseless interrogation, I switched roles, and got after the sleuths instead. And then the real picture emerged. Apparently, their chief was maha upset with his officers, because they allowed me to meet the CM without frisking me first, and without demanding my visiting card!!! So they were trying to make amends by harassing the hell out of me. And that too for such a brief, non-scandalous interview! Now just imagine how these smart intelligence cats go about in their jobs to nab terrorists and Naxals.

Here’s the article:

A walk down the Kabini with Yeddy.

I ran into the CM quite accidentally last night. I was put up at the quite and picturesque Kabini River Resort, when sudden hurly burly woke me up from my siesta. I was informed the CM, Shri Yeddyurappa, will be coming over to stay for the night. In the adjoining Maharajah Cottage.
And he, along with his entourage, did so. As I walked out into the lush lawns in the evening for some fresh air, I found the CM doing exactly that, though there was great nip and stride in his amble. Quite understandable that, he had just emerged from possibly the biggest crisis of his long career.
And I asked for an unplanned interview. And to the CM’s credit, despite the fact that this was his day of rest, he gamely agreed. And we spent about 15 minutes stretching our legs and talking politics along the lawns of the swish Resort.
Here are some excerpts:

Sir, what brings you to the Resort? Taking a break from all the recent tensions?
Actually, I am on a thanksgiving journey. Yesterday I prayed at the Chamundi temple, and tomorrow early morning I have to go to pray at another temple close-by, and that’s the only reason I decided to stay at this Resort tonight. I want to thank God for helping me deal with this political crisis.

But Sir, is the crisis really over?
Yes, it is, all disagreements have been resolved, everyone is happy now.

But you had to make many compromises…
No, I am still the CM, and I will continue to work for the people of Karnataka. We are launching many infrastructure projects, especially in Bangalore. We are investing crores of rupees and you will see the results from within a year.

But Sir, media reports suggest that you have now been divested of many powers, and that will hinder your work.
Nothing like that has happened. And I would like to thank the press for all the support.

What was the core issue with the Reddy brothers?
It’s all amicably resolved now, we have to look ahead and work for the benefit of the people.

What are LK Advani’s instructions to you? What was his solution to solve the state’s political crisis?
The party leadership has asked me to take all the MLAs along as I function, so nobody feels ignored or left out.

Which means you were ignoring some colleagues all along, especially the Reddy brothers…
As I said, I have to take all the MLAs along, that’s the party’s thinking, and I will fully go along with it.

Sir, honestly, with all these compromises, do you really believe you will be able to perform effectively for the full term?
Of course, I will.

What made you cry in front of the cameras?
I was genuinely feeling bad for the people of Karnataka. I get very emotional about my people. It is they who have chosen us, and we are answerable to them. That we should have been paying more attention to their problems.
The BJP in Delhi is in disarray. Think this will affect the party’s state wing?
All issues have been resolved, we have full faith in the party leadership.

Who will you like to see as the party’s chief once Advaniji officially retires?
(At this point the CM closes the interview with folded hands. And continues with this long, relaxed walk down the beautiful Kabini. He deserves the break. Yeddy has a long, thorny and winding road waiting ahead in his political career.)

Lest we forget Kargil…

2009-11-03T10:20:00.004+05:30

A friend asked me to upload an article I had written for Sunday Mid Day in July 2001, when General Musharraf arrived in India to a grand, grand welcome. And all this tamasha and shor sharaba was happening for the man who was the architect of the Kargil war. The man because of whom many of our brave soldiers lost their lives. Leaving many families shattered and permanently damaged.

I was really pissed off with the mushy welcome for Musharraf, and wrote this piece out of sheer angst and great frustration. It was basically satirical in nature, but by default, it helped us recall the sacrifices made by our brave men and women during the Kargil war. All these images were carried on one page, though I have scanned them separately for readability. The headline was: ‘In loving memory of the Kargil martyrs’.

Despite changing three houses since, I finally managed to locate the piece. And now it can be archived forever. Not just a vivid reminder of the bravery and sacrifice by our soldiers, but also a warning to the rest of us that we must never support the agendas of dirty netas who divide us based on caste, lingo and religion. These good men who died for the nation, for all of us, weren’t thinking language and religion when they took the bullets. Hope we never ever forget this.

A footnote: I have been honoured with a few prizes for my writings. But the biggest honour I received was for this piece from the mother of a slain Kargil soldier. Mrs Kapadia of Mumbai, who lost her only son Nawang, aged 19, in the Kargil war, sent me a miniature kukhri knife (Nawang served in the Kukhri regiment), with a note of appreciation.

That little kukhri will go with me to my grave.

Why Mumbai needs to worry.

2009-10-23T08:44:00.003+05:30

Can you imagine ANY walk of life where a person/team is rewarded for non-performance? Well, it happens in Maharashtra politics, for sure. The Congress/NCP has been voted back in for making a total mess of the state.

And this has happened not because the voters are idiots, but because the state politics has been reduced to a one-horse race. With the sort of options available, especially key rivals like the BJP and the Sena, there simply is no choice for the voter. The BJP has been busy drafting its own obit all over the nation. And with Bal Thackeray a spent force today, and his son boasting of as much character and charisma as a safety pin, the victory for Cong was a given. This is like being invited to a buffet spread, and being made to choose between a stale vada, cow dung and, er, safety pins. Which is why it amazes me that in TV studio debates, they continue to wonder why the city doesn’t vote.

So even as the Congress bosses celebrate, they must understand that they are back in by default. And not by design.

But here’s why we Mumbaikars need to be worried:

Vastly emboldened, the ruling Congress will now take the state and the city for granted. Even more so than they ever did. They are now assured that they can sleep, sloth, plunder the city and grab lands openly, and life will simply move on. Why make an effort to work when it doesn’t electorally count at all?

They will continue to give a free reign to Raj’s goondas. Because he has become their most important ally. He is doing their dirty work by making sure the opposition remains exactly that… in the opposition. So the next time Raj decides to terrorise the city, like before, the state leaders will smile and look the other way. He is their most productive employee after all.

Meanwhile Raj, having hit the bull’s-eye with a divisive agenda, will now go all out with his plans. Because this brand strategy is rocking for him. So the migrants can look forward to many kicks and slaps in the coming future. And we can look forward to much violence on the streets. And this will be purely symbolic, and not much else. The illegal encroachments will go on, as they serve as Congress’ key vote banks. No hon, they aren’t going to be removed in a hurry. So the ultra parochial Marathi manoos can perhaps take delight in some bhaiyya getting his pants taken off now and then, but life for him/her will remain unchanged.

Gets worse. The Mr Safety Pin Uddhav will now finally understand that, a, he has no future in politics. And b, his ONLY chance is to go back to his dad’s tried and tested militant ways. Which means in the coming years, the two cousins will compete hard on who can unleash greater carnage on the streets of Mumbai.

Bottomline: Expect corruption, inefficiency, violence and hatred to scale new levels in the state. Jai Maharashtra!

My weekend date

2009-10-11T13:27:00.002+05:30

Meet Tulsi Kamble. She’s all of 76 years young, and I date her every Diwali. Without fail. Come hale, high water or terror. And as always, we caught up for ‘chahaa’ on Saturday.

Here’s how it all began: Towards the late nineties, for a few years, I used to live in Powai, a Mumbai suburb. Tulsi used to work with me as, what we in Mumbai call, a ‘chhutta bai’. She’d arrive sharp at seven in the morn, do her number, and leave at around eight. Usually housemaids are ‘blind spots’… we know they are at work, but we don’t really take notice of them. (Unless you are one Shiney Ahuja, but let’s not even go down that road.)

However, what got me chatting with Tulsi was that she was the most unusual maid I had seen or hired. A weak, under-nourished, tottering elderly woman (most colony residents had refused to hire her), but always full of life and beans. Her eyes sparkling with joie-de-vivre, reflecting and spreading happiness and energy. She used to be more like a nagging granny to me than a maid. I cannot recount how many times she gave me an earful. For the odd cigarette, for leaving my used clothes all over the place, for messing up the kitchen, for not waking up in time to open the door for her. On one occasion, she nearly spanked me for yawning too loudly (in my defence, I had had a particularly late night). But almost always, she would surprise me with a plate of warm and delicious kandha poha.

Intrigued by her affectionately fearless behaviour, I ventured to know more about her life, and for her need to slog in her sunset years. This is what I learnt, in her broken Hindi and my broken Marathi: Tulsi had been widowed at a young age. Her two older daughters had married off and were gone. Her only son had dumped her. And the child she lived with, her youngest daughter, suffered from a serious case of both, physical and mental deformity. Tulsi had no option but to work, and work hard, not only to run her meager slum hutment, but to also pay for her child’s medical bills (which, as you can imagine, were always hurtful). And added to that, she was battling her own fears for her daughter’s future after she was gone.

What shook me to the core was this: here was this woman, living the worse life imaginable at this old age, and yet so full of life and joy and affection. It’s quite eye-popping when you imagine that we, the more privileged, get hassled and rattled at the most trivial things. Tulsi taught me the greatest lesson of my life, one that no teacher ever did: Keep your chin up, man, no matter what shit life throws at you. Because that’s the only way to live, to really live.

Some years later I said good-bye to Powai, and to Tulsi. My saddest memory is of her weeping uncontrollably as I wished her the final adieu. And my bitterest memory is of rebuking the almighty for bringing pain and suffering to the good people in this world.

But I swore to myself that this little bond we shared will not go away. That, every year, at least once, I would establish contact with Tulsi and ask her out for a date. And I ear-marked Diwali at that period. So that I must never forget. And that tradition lives on.

So then why am I sharing this story with you? Because here’s the other lesson I learnt: it doesn’t take much to bring a few moments of joy in the lives of people who are less blessed than us. Tulsi’s huge, huge excitement and exhilaration when she meets me, is to die for. She has never expected financial help from me, nor has asked for it. What matters to her is that I still care. I care that she’s a human being with feelings, I care that she exists, I care enough to take the time out to see her. Even if only once a year. The joy that I feel when I meet her is probably many times greater than hers. Because it helps me wash away the sins and follies I commit for the rest of the year. She, without realising it, plays the role of my conscience cleaner. And I thank her for it.

I am sure you do your own little charities, and you must. But often, more than financial help, it’s this little demonstration of affection that counts a lot to the people who the world has left behind. The children of the lesser god, so to speak. Tulsi makes me feel better as a human being, and I make her believe in humanity. I ensure she does not get overtly cynical about the world that clearly has no interest whatsoever in her. What can be a greater bond and exchange than that?

And yup, as long as both of us are alive, our Diwali date will go on. I would not miss that for anything.

Happy Diwali to all of you.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

2009-10-04T17:22:00.004+05:30

We saw what happened to Tharoor over a remark undoubtedly made in jest. He had to walk all the power corridors of Dilli to hold on to his job. Apart from the dirty politics at play, it was yet another reminder that we Indians sorely lack the ability to laugh at ourselves, we take ourselves much too seriously and self-importantly.

I have gotten into trouble umpteenth number of times too, even though I am far removed from the world of politics. I am aware it would be immodest to state that I have a wickedly funny streak in me, but I just did it. I mean, truth is that I have many problems with my decaying mind, but I do take myself a lot less seriously.

However, this makes my life in this not-so-smiley nation of ours fraught with peril. I find myself apologising for the most silly deeds/utterances. Half my life has gone saying sorry, I kid you not.

Let me give you only a few quick examples, that come to mind immediately.

At a party in Delhi, where I was working in an ad agency, I threatened to drop some beer over the head of a trade press journo who was always reporting unsavoury things about my agency. Instead of laughing it off, she went and lodged an official complaint with her big bosses in Mumbai. Accusing me of violent intimidation! Only a quick ‘sorry’ snipped out what was threatening to spiral into a corporate battle.

During my visit to the tsunami ravaged Nagapattinum, as I was chatting up with some survivors, standing by the sea, a chopper flew extremely low overhead. Someone screamed, “Jayalalitha! Jayalalitha!” And I could not help with ‘Duck for cover, guys… she’s crashing into us!’ A light remark made to bring some unexpected cheer to the sad survivors, who in fact had a good laugh. But I was quickly surrounded by the local cops and babus, who almost got me exported out of Tamil Nadu.

I once wrote in a newspaper column that an Ekta Kapoor serial, featuring a reclusive bachelor tycoon with a fetish for pets, was inspired from Ratan Tata’s life. It had the corporate cell of Tatasons call me for explanations and a ‘clear and unambiguous’ apology.

At an organisation I was an employee with, the lady HR head asked me to suggest one key improvement in the company that would help my team’s productivity rise. Since my guys had no real issues (except leaky toilets), I joked: ‘The HR girls need to have coffee with my boys.’ Promptly, I was summoned to the MD’s office to explain the remark.

Another time I wondered how the desi chauffeurs would pronounce the car’s name, when Skoda’s ‘Laura’ was launching in the market. And my computer crashed with the load of irate reader e-mails.

I could go on, this is endless, really. I have always believed the evolution of a nation cannot be measured by its GDP or nukes or medical science or architecture or its quality of life. It has gotta be by the ability of its citizens to laugh at themselves.

Sorry, if I have offended any reader!

Diary of a school re-union

2009-09-10T13:14:00.002+05:30

I recently met up with my mates from school, about twenty of them, almost all of them after a staggering period of thirty years. The experience was both, exhilarating and disappointing at the same time.

Let me explain: quite obviously, it’s extremely gratifying to re-connect with lost childhood pals and colleagues. Not just for the emotions and memories at play, but also because we knew each other long before we met our respective partners, adulthood friends and work colleagues. School buddies are a part of one’s formative years, and the bonds and experiences we shared are singularly precious: unadulterated, uncorrupted, innocent and naïve. In other words, we knew each other long before the reality of the big bad world invaded our lives. Before we stepped into a sordid life of career ambitions, raising families, battling all the yorkers life throws at us… even survival (terror attacks have become more common in modern times than Rakhee Sawant’s appearances on TV).

I, like many of you, have been invited to college re-unions, management institute re-unions, office re-unions, family re-unions… and I have either ducked them, or have taken part in them as a ‘time-pass’ exercise. Have some pegs, indulge in some silly shoo-sha, discuss the weather, and then head for home. But a school re-meet is uniquely alluring. It’s a rarest of rare chance to catch up with purity and innocence again.

However, I was left a tad empty and disillusioned. The general feeling I got at our little gathering, is that people have irreversibly moved on in life, have been so hugely influenced by adulthood, that they no longer cherish the innocence of childhood. I was searching for lads and lasses at the re-union, I instead ran into very serious men and women. And some old fogies too. In parts, I felt I was participating in a corporate meet, a seminar, a heavy-duty conclave (gosh!). Had we sat an hour longer, we would have been discussing environmental pollution, Mumbai’s crumbling infrastructure and the stock market fluctuations. The guys were so damn formal, solemn and matter-of-fact. These weren’t folks I grew up with, they were complete strangers.

Some people feel I am being ‘childish’. That I am stuck in the past. Maybe they are right. But that’s pretty ironical, when you consider my chosen profession: my job is bloody serious. Serious as hell. As a journo, I constantly have to stare at, analyse and report on the dark underbelly of this nation. This 24X7 life rolling in dirt and grime can often be very depressing, it catapults you into adulthood in like nano-seconds.

Which is why, to be honest, I am a little rattled. Maybe the problem lies with me. Maybe I am too emotional of the past. Maybe I don’t move on easily. Maybe I value innocence more than the others do. Maybe I don’t live my life in water-tight compartments. I must be deranged! Dunno. No easy answers, I guess.

Grow up, SRK!

2009-08-16T11:11:00.002+05:30

It was cringe-making, watching SRK whine endlessly on the TV channels all of Independence Day (he even managed to get the Red Fort and swine flu off the headlines), cribbing and carping about the extended security interrogation.
What’s the big deal, yaar? Every nation has the right to protect itself, to introduce processes and procedures that reduce chances of terror attack on its soil. If we don’t approve of its ways, there’s always that easy option: don’t go there!

SRK enjoys cult status in India, and within the NRI community abroad. They love, adore and revere the star, and clearly, all this insane adulation has gone to his head. He now expects every earthling to go down on him, and naturally, that’s not gonna happen. For an American security officer, the name Shah Rukh Khan means zilch. To him or her, all that matters is effective execution of the security protocol laid down in the book. And I admire them for this, I respect them for doing their jobs. If Muslims get peeved at being racially profiled at American ports, they must accept that it was Islamic fundamentalists who brought the twin towers down (and badly damaged America’s pride), so naturally people with Muslim names would be scanned a bit more than the rest. This is the way things are, and cannot be changed in the short run. Sadly, all the good Muslims of the world have to suffer because of the crimes committed by a few, but that’s the harsh reality. I mean, if it was a bunch of Parsis who flew aircraft into buildings, names like Mistry, Contractor and Karkaria would be scanned more carefully.

Star-loving Indians would argue that SRK is a global icon, and all that the ‘offending’ officer had to do was consult his/her ‘more informed’ Jet Airways colleagues. That’s true. But he/she won’t do that. One, because that’s not the option listed in the rule book. And American security officers are supposed to follow the rules (perhaps that’s a concept we desis just don’t understand). And two, even if the star gets recognised, how can one be 100% sure it really is SRK??? It could be a look-alike chappie from the by-lanes of Murdike, travelling on a false passport, courtesy Bin Laden! Remember, terror agents think ten steps ahead of security agencies. They innovate big, they are the guys with big ideas. (9/11 was the single biggest idea of the century.)

Net, net: SRK, like the rest of the adult world, should simply have taken the harsh questioning in the right spirit, and moved on. And if he gets pissed with these procedures, he must simply quit doing that nation. Two, I personally am very pleased by the news. If a demi-god can be scanned so hard, it makes me really feel safe travelling in that country. Good for you, America!

I entirely blame the media

2009-08-14T09:29:00.003+05:30

By now, it is abundantly clear to every Indian that when shit hits the ceiling in this country, it’s each man or woman for his/her own. And if you still believe that the great Indian State will bail you out of the mess, then you must be a chap who still believes in Rakhi Sawant.

Whether it’s a terror attack or a flu virus, you will have to save your own arse. The government reps will only gas inside TV studios, the crooks will clean you out of your money, selling masks and meds in black, and the government run hospitals will ensure even if you didn’t contract swine flu, you got other deadly diseases, thanks to the utter lack of hygiene and discipline in their premises.

Which is why there’s chaos on the streets; people are running around like headless chicken, ignorant of what to do and who to run to when that dreaded sneeze arrives. So all we have is panic and more panic.

To my mind, the biggest villain of the story is the media. In a desperation to outdo one another on the blistering flu coverage, all they have done is to alarm the public, leading to mass hysteria in the hospitals and medical shops. Just imagine if this was 1984. The flu would have come and gone, possibly a few hundred people would have died (a thousand time more die of malaria, TB, car crashes, AIDS, common cold, dowry deaths, terror attacks and cancer), and life would have moved on as usual. For the affected, and the docs, the masks would have been easily available at the market price, and Tamiflu makers would not have made a needless killing.

All the media had to do was run basic safety precautions in a box on Page 10. Or a little section on a news bulletin, and that’s about it.

But try telling that to editors and content heads who would invent a problem to raise their TRPS and readership figures, if none existed. The virus exists!

‘VIPs’ MUST be frisked

2009-07-23T12:17:00.002+05:30

While Kalaam hasn’t really expressed an offence at being frisked by Conti, he hasn’t yet come out and said, ‘Bugger off guys, that was no big deal.” And the lack of that rejoinder disappoints me about the nuke man.

Here’s what I think: EVERY single one of the so-called VIPs, especially the netas, MUST be frisked at airports, just as the rest of us aam janta. They are one of us, a part of us, and there’s no reason they should get special treatment.

In fact, this totally reprehensible VIP cult really gets me hopping mad, we forget that these netas aren’t our rulers and kings (last heard, we are a democratic nation, right), they are public servants, they are supposed to serve us, we, the people. And to a large extent, the crowning of the politicians is our fault, we have treated them like masters, we have spoilt them, we have encouraged them to behave like lords. (Is it any wonder then that one of them is busy building her own statues??) In many demo nations, leaders mingle freely with the janta, and expect no exclusive treatment. When I was in London, during the tube strikes, the city’s mayor grabbed his laptop and went to work along with the other passengers on a boat. Of course, he has a BMW, he simply used the moment to bond with the people, and to make a statement. I hope in our lifetime we make an effort to bring these godly figurines down to earth.

In any case, what’s the big deal about frisking? It just takes a few seconds, and if you are gay, it’s a joyful ride too. I feel sad for the airline. FIRs, show cause notices and threats to cancel the license for doing its job!!! Wow!

London diary in Outlook

2009-07-12T11:07:00.006+05:30

http://outlookindia.com/diary.asp?fodname=20090720

(The images I shot at Lord's)

Too early to be gay and merry

2009-07-03T11:06:00.002+05:30

Joke No 377 had to be modified, no two ways on that. If unnatural sex is criminal, most straights would be behind bars for indulging in ‘unnatural’ oral and anal sex.

However, what my gay friends need to come to terms with is this: the legal clause was never the problem, it remained only in them books. Just about no one was prosecuted for gay life, and I keep hearing these rubbish stories about blackmail by the cops… you can never catch people in the act, it happens behind closed doors. So if gay couples did give in to blackmail, it was probably because of fear of being ‘exposed’ before parents, pals, etc… which has nothing to do with the law.

Which then straight (unintended) brings me to the point I am making: The stigma and prejudice against homosexuality is not a legal problem, it’s not something a judge can order away with the stroke of a gavel. It’s a social problem, most people in this country haven’t accepted same-sex partners, and gays are almost always frowned upon or mocked at (watch Madhur Bhandarkar’s flicks for a demo). Gays are considered nature’s freaks, and it’s gonna take a very long time for these prejudices to go away. The law cannot change our beliefs, if that was so, untouchability has been declared illegal years ago, yet caste discrimination rages on across the country.

To me, this problem cannot be solved till we as a nation accept homosexuality as a trait of nature, a genetic issue, and accept it as a ground reality. And that is gonna take many, many years, maybe even decades.

So while my gay friends are celebrating on the streets, they must accept that this is a very small beginning in their long struggle to be accepted. A lot of work needs to be done, starting with public campaigns to reposition gay life in the ill-informed junta’s minds and hearts. It was never a legal problem, it’s a perception problem. Gays need communication experts and corporate honchos (to sponsor these efforts). And not lawyers and judges.

PS: One silver lining: For once, the sadhus and the mullahs and the priests have come together as one, in their protest against the modification of the clause. If nothing else, at least our homo pals made them agree on something! Gay ho!

What icon????

2009-06-27T11:42:00.002+05:30

As expected, both, the Indian TV and print media is bustling with people paying weepy tributes to Jacko, as if they knew him as intimately as Bal Thackeray’s loo. Hiyuk, hiyuk. And the most appalling tribute: “The man was a great icon!!” Haha.

Here’s the problem with us: In our blind adulation (and desperation to be seen/read/heard in the media), we have become incapable of separating an individual from his/her body of work. Once we do that, the word icon will get forever banished from our vocab.

Here’s the deal: Though personally I never did dig his stuff (I found the dances and lyrics pretty juvenile), I have to admit Jacko was a great entertainer, a cool singer and a fab performer for his zillion fans. Some of his songs will live on, and when we hear them at some point in our lives, we will miss a heartbeat, recollecting our growing up years. It is also a fact that his talent had eroded in the last decade, but in any creative field burn-out is inevitable, so that part can be overlooked. So let’s pay tribute to his rare talent, and close the chapter.

But to call him an icon for the world is a travesty, a cruel joke. The man was a disaster, no less. How can a man who’s ashamed of his colour of skin, who admits to sleeping with kids, who dangles babies from a high-rise (and this list is long, so I won’t bore you further) be a role model by any stretch of imagination? The truth is, Jacko was indeed a whacko, a deranged, delusional individual (his ex wife Presley said that), a poor example for both, children and adults of this world. That is an indisputable truth.

Tomorrow, god forbid, but if something happens to people like Britney Spears, Salman Khan and Paris Hilton, even they will be called icons! Haha.

By the way, forget these air-headed sods, I don’t even refer to our greatest hero of all times, Bapu Gandhi, as a role model. I applaud his political ideologies (his work), but I deffy don’t show the other cheek to offenders, I detest khadi, and nope, celibacy is a strict no-no. :}

All the PM’s family men

2009-05-28T16:15:00.000+05:30

So, the cabinet has been sworn in. Great. Let’s hope they can get some real work done now. (And in Mumbai we should be happy Vilasrao will now exercise his famed inertia in Dilli). My only grouse is this: a vast number of sods who will rule us for the next five years are some or the other mantri’s beta or beti. Or nephew or niece. Which means despite Congress’s massive win, despite all the promises, merit has once again gone to the dogs. Dynasty continues to rule, and outsiders can keep waiting exactly there: outside.
Guess some things never change. Wish my dad was a neta. I would have been made for generations to come, instead of blogging for free. Humph!

Check my new blog

2009-04-11T12:04:00.005+05:30

Hi, for the next few weeks I am posting at:

http://www.myspace.com/anilthakraney

See you there!

Cheers

No country for old men

2009-03-18T12:46:00.003+05:30

With a vast majority of our population under 30, it’s absolutely crazy that we continue to be ruled by geriatrics. People like Advani should be playing toy games with their great grand kiddies in the lawns of their retirement villas.

The problem is not just the age itself, but these old folks’ complete disengagement with the rapidly changing world, its attitude and its beliefs.

Which is why while what the populace really wants is security, infrastructure and opportunities to fulfill their career ambitions, what we are promised is temples and masjids in moffusil towns. And hatred against communities.

Which is the big reason why so many of us don’t vote. Put in younger candidates with proven credentials, people we connect with, then see what happens at the voting booths.

Also, I just don’t understand one thing: if there is retirement age fixed in all other professions (including the public sector), why must it be any different for politics? In fact, when it comes to running such a complicated nation, we badly need people out there who are fit in mind and body. Surely the time has come for the Supreme Court to take a look at this issue.

A rider: when I say younger people, I don’t necessarily mean dynastic politics. (Look at the joker Sanjay Gandhi has begetted.) We need fresh blood into the system, and that ain’t gonna happen until the hot seats are vacated by the dinosaurs.

So it’s all very well to run campaigns asking youngsters to vote, but what’s the point if in the end we land up having the same old fogies decide our destiny?

mutalik interview

2009-03-09T10:07:00.002+05:30

http://www.mid-day.com/news/2009/mar/070309-Pramod-Mutalik-Shri-Ram-Sene-Oscar-awards-A-R-Rahman-pubs-dating-Gandhiji-western-nations.htm

Lock your homes!

2009-02-09T12:08:00.004+05:30

I keep getting castigated for refusing to cast my vote. And no one buys my theory that there’s no one out there worthy enough of my vote, and the advice is to, at the very least, go for the least of all the evils on display.

Okay, so even if I buy that argument, and forget about my beers and stand in line at some municipal school to exercise my so-called democratic right, there’s still one unresolved problem.

Even after a government gets elected into power, we the citizenry are left to be governed by alternative self-appointment governments, who not just dictate our lives, but call the shots in terms of politics and policies. So then why bother with the election process at all?

The Shiv Sena and its offshoot have already been doing their number on us in Maharashtra. Now some org called Ram Sene has sprung up in Karnataka. The VHP and their sisters have been telling us what to do and what to believe in for years now. They are deciding how we live, what we wear, what we do, etc. And the most sensational issue is the elected governments cannot protect us from these parallel sarkars, either because they can’t or they don’t want to. Which makes me think in the world’s largest democracy, the people actually running the show are those not elected, or not even in the fray! So much for all the moral education on the importance of casting the ballot.

Now, here’s my greater fear: So far these illegal sarkars have been tormenting us on the streets. They have now reached the pubs, multiplexes and offices will surely be next up. And soon, they will want to enter our bedrooms to ensure we live as per their predecided norms. Don’t laugh, this could easily happen. A few years ago people would have laughed at the idea of girls being beaten for hanging out at a pub.

So what’s to be done, since the ‘official’ governments won’t help us? It’s each man and woman for his own. We will need to spend and invest in our own security. Double locks, burglar alarms, etc. I am looking out for firearms these days. They may not be of much help against Mr Kasab, but will help when Mr Mutalik knocks on my door at midnight.

And am deffy not voting as usual. Cos it doesn’t count.

Er, aren’t we going OTT?

2009-01-23T18:55:00.002+05:30

I really don’t wish to be a party pooper for the swinging actors and support staff of Slumdog, it’s not often your work gets noticed on a global scale, and that too at the Oscar soiree. And therefore I quite understand some degree of excitement. It’s another matter, of course, that till the goras don’t recognise our work, we haven’t achieved real glory, and I wonder when that medieval mindset will evolve. I mean, we don’t need some faceless Oscar jurors to tell us Rahman is a genius, we knew that a decade or so ago.

Fact of the matter is, SM is a Brit film, produced, directed, shot and written by Brits. Purely for the international audiences. That the setting happens to be India is really our only role to play in this western production. The setting could easily have been Congo or Chile or Bangladesh, and the story of rags to riches and triumph of love would have worked equally well. And once the setting becomes India, obviously the producers would need the locals to provide the local touch. Clearly, for a movie set in Mumbai, Robert De Niro could not have played the police inspector and Tom Cruise could not have played the game show host and Pearl Jam would not be chosen to score the music track.

Also, Bollywood stars like Anil Kapoor and Irfan Khan play minor, support roles, so I just don’t get the balle balle they have been noisily doing all over TV studios. Looking at the way Kapoor has been going all out to milk the film, one would imagine he has been nominated for Best Actor at the Academy awards for Roop Ki Raani, Choron Ka Raja or something like that. If at all, the two Indian gents who should be doing these OTT gigs are Rahman (who did a great job as always) and the writer of the book on which SM is based. And the last two appear the most dignified in what is clearly Danny Boyle’s moment, a Brit moment.

The other reason it’s laughable to even suggest this is an Indian film, is the treatment. The absolutely high-octane, super-fast back and forths, and the highly mobile camera work is the sort of treatment that works in the west. In India, we prefer linear stories, shot with ease and labour to let the emotional quotient flow smoothly. I stick my neck out and forecast that in India, this film will only do well only in the metro multiplexes and that too mainly because of the hype. It’s NOT meant for desi consumption, our masses will neither comprehend nor appreciate this sort of jagged cinema.

Which is also why I get amused when I hear protests about Boyle exploiting our slums. There’s no question of that happening in SM simply because the film runs at a nuclear pace, and the camera angles are so wild and angly, no frame stays with you for more than a second. So that argument is rubbish. I have seen more poverty and destitution in zillions of Bollywood films. And you know why Boyle treated the film thus? Because it’s meant for western consumption, their audiences would hate a film that lingers depressingly on the lives of our slumworld. And it’s not because Boyle is sensitive to the subject. He never made the film for us.

Bottomline: Guys, do party by all means. Just keep a lid on things out here. It’s not very classy to feed on someone else’s work and ideas.

Ramalinga Raju did no wrong

2009-01-11T11:26:00.002+05:30

The reason why the Satyam dude did what he did, is cos he must have felt he’ll get away with it. And he probably will, once all the dust settles and the media focus shifts to the next terror attack.

It’s the same reason violent men rape women with impunity. Netas and babus fatten their Swiss accounts. RTOs dish out driving licenses like dog biscuits. Cops turn into paid encounter killers. Rioters burn and loot at free will. Intelligence officers watch T20 cricket matches ignoring warnings. Striking oily men hold the entire nation to ransom. And this list is endless. It’s the same reason… we’ll get away with it.

We either don’t have the laws, or we don’t have the will to implement them, or lack the machinery required to enforce them. Which encourages people to turn into rogues.
Unless we instill the fear of punishment into our collective psyche, unless we believe we WON’T get away with it, we will continue to make a joke out of this nation.

So there’s no point in fishing out the knives for Ramalinga Raju. He is one of us, he only behaved in a way the rest of us Indians do.

The only way forward is to totally re-invent the law in this land. Where justice is done swiftly and proportionately to the crime, and is SEEN to be done.
The question is: the people who should be doing the above are the ones that will get the most hit, so why would they bother?

So let’s quit castigating chors like Raju. We are all Rajus in one form or another.

Thot for the day

2009-01-05T18:49:00.002+05:30

Received this as a text msg. Sad, but true:
"Politicians divide us, terrorists unite us."

Smell the fear

2008-12-29T14:31:00.001+05:30

Exactly after one month of the attacks, I drop by the Taj for a walk down the memory lane. While the staff members put up a brave face, and smile as widely as physically possible, their eyes are blank and haunted. And the stench of death and fear is unmistakable.

There aren’t too many visitors (this is prime time eve), the otherwise packed lobby is frighteningly sparse. Students from the National School of Blind sing Christmas carols with great energy (see pic), but there are only a handful of listeners. I have never in my life had the glitzy lobby to myself. The Christmas tree decorated mainly white (the classy Taj touch) looks forlorn and loveless.

While the lady at the desk reports 60% occupancy, sadly, I don’t see the figure remotely close. Clearly, she’s been briefed to get the spirits up. And if the lady is right about the number, the guests are safely ordering in, no one wants to hang out at the refurbished restaurants and bars anymore.

We devour chai and sandwiches at the old-fav Shamiana. Again, we have the 24-hour joint to ourselves, there are only a few other guests (see the pic of a nearly vacant Shamiana). Grenades were lobbed exactly where we are seated. While the tea is as delicious as always, can’t seem to get the image of destruction out of my mind. It’s going to take the Taj a lot more time than we thought to reach normalcy.

Equally, the shops are deserted. The Nalanda bookshop (seldom have I dropped by and not ran into a friend/acquaintance) has turned into my personal library.

The Starboard bar, thankfully, has a few patrons. I quietly slip into the smoking lounge (the Taj tower pic has been shot from there), and notice two young girls puffing away and guzzling down wine. They don’t seem too upset, they don’t suss me out for a suspicious back-pack, and seem lost in their own conversation. They are the only brave souls inside the hotel, wonder if it’s bravery or some great wine.

Damn, even the loo has been exclusively reserved for me.

And I don’t even want to recount the lonely walk to the old wing, by the pool. This is what I felt walking by the Nagapattinum beach days after the tsunami.

Outside the hotel, I urge the Sardarji durban to allow us to walk by the heritage structure (totally closed to the public). After a moment’s hesitation, he kindly grants permission. So we solemnly walk by the ravaged, raped, desolate heritage wing, devoid of humanity, even the sea seems unusually quiet, as if in mourning. (And to think this is the stretch which finds common ground with taporis, tourists, peanut sellers, romancing couples, prostitutes, pimps and elderly walkers.) The room lights are kept on (to keep the faith intact), but the fear is palpable. And the exit into the streets of the bustling Colaba brings much relief. A joy to suddenly run into humanity.

No, 26/11 won’t go away too soon. The scars are just too deep to heal. Maybe they never will. Bombay will never be the same again. The terrorists are winning this war.

Let’s look at the bright side

2008-12-02T12:20:00.007+05:30

As the proverb goes, even the darkest cloud has its silver lining. While the heart goes out to the victims and the families of the Mumbai attacks, it must be said a few good things have emerged from the horrific tragedy.

Mumbaikars have smelt the coffee
The usually ultra busy citizens of the city, people who have no time for much else but the pursuit of personal ambitions, have finally woken from their apathy and today, many are desperate to get involved in the running of Mumbai, desperate to jump into public life. From students to housewives to pub crawlers to bank clerks to spot boys to biz tycoons… everyone is brimming with ideas for change. What can be sweeter than that? The one big reason the netas have so far gotten away with incompetence, sloth and corruption is because we have always looked the other way at their crimes and misdemeanours.

The world is with us
Almost all the developed nations today feel a sense of sympathy and solidarity with us. Not just because of the cruelty of it all, but also because this can happen to them tomorrow. Their leaders are on our side, they want to help. And most importantly, the US has come around to accepting that we are the victims and our neighbour the tormentor. The important thing is we must not lose this collective goodwill, we must not lose this moment. We must ask for global help in sorting the terror factories of Pakistan, of preventing it from totally turning into a rogue state.

Sleepy heads have rolled
With many a failed leader being unceremoniously shown the door, and many incapable babus in the line of fire (all this no doubt a direct result of the public outrage), no neta and bureaucrat will take his/her job lightly from hereon. (Watch out, dear Bhujbal!) Especially when it comes to our safety and survival. For the first time we are seeing a degree of accountability in public life. Hopefully this will be the guiding philosophy of all political parties from now: perform or perish.

Raj has become irrelevant
With the cops, soldiers and NSGs from all over the country coming together as one to rescue Mumbai, clearly Raj Thackeray’s anti North Indian campaign is finished. He dare not attack any fellow Indian from hereon. The venom-spewing neta has no choice but to woo voters on the agenda of safety and development. And if he does muster the temerity to restart the hateful propaganda some months later, here’s hoping the city’s Marathi speaking folks will openly reject him. Just as many of the city’s Muslims are openly rejecting the jihadi ideology in the current time.

Fresh faces on TV
On a lighter note, no longer will we have to endure the same publicity hungry, quote hunting pseudo celebs on our television talk shows. The aam aadmi wants to speak out and be heard. And she and he is making a lot of sense. No longer is the common woman and man camera shy. The TRPs of news channels will surely see a vertical swing. And yes, we shan’t have to put up much with young Ritesh Deshmukh in them movies.

Jai Hind!

Thot for the day

2008-12-02T12:20:00.005+05:30

They say the best quality an intelligence officer can possess is one of a deeply suspicious and distrustful mind. At great risk of injury from my militantly feminist friends, I really think they should hire only lady officers in that department. :)

Bombay GenNext talks tough.

2008-12-02T12:20:00.004+05:30

Can’t biz tycoons help?

2008-12-02T12:20:00.001+05:30

Like everyone else in Bombay, I too have been wrecking my depreciating grey cells on what must be done to keep us safe, of not visiting a hospital or a pub or a college and returning in 100 mangled pieces.

My biggest concern right now, as they debate the choice of new CM, is being saddled with that buffoon called Sushil Kumar Shinde (or one of his duplicates). I had interviewed the man quite extensively for Mid Day when he was CM, and I left Varsha totally disillusioned. He knew head nor tail of what the city’s problems were (leave alone solutions) and could clearly see he was in that chair ONLY because he’s a nice guy, a dangling puppet for the Delhi leaders. Today, even a bacha will tell you the last thing this city needs is a nice guy. We want a chief who can kick arse bad to get things done. We need a professional manager.

The reason the faltu combine of Deshmukh and RR Patil failed is this: they were incompetent in their jobs. I mean, you need totally different sets of skills to fix dance bar girls and grenades & AK-47 wielding mass killers. And I think Patil in particular knew he was a total loser. Incidentally, just about a month back, soon after the Delhi blasts, I made many requests to Patil for an interview, where the agenda was clearly spelt out: to figure the state home minister’s plans to keep Bombay safe. And repeatedly I was dished out new excuses by his secy. Boss is travelling. Boss is in a meeting. Boss is busy with party work. Etc, etc. Today, I can see why he refused to meet. The fool had zero plans to keep us safe.

Now, when we the aam janta, suggest/request/plead for a CEO type of a leader, we get summarily dismissed. We neither have access nor influence inside the corridors of power. But our business tycoons (whose bucks and goodwill the netas need) do. Can’t the Tatas and the Ambanis and the Ruias and the Birlas come together as one, and demand a professional CM for this state? Someone who’s a known performer, understands politics, is admin savvy, can take tough decisions and can plan with a long term vision. Maybe they can meet Sonia with a candidate’s name. Before she lumps us with another loser. Surely the suits of India’s financial capital should be as worried as the rest of us, and take this initiative. Especially now that the terror agents have reached their boardrooms and party rooms.

On my part, I am sending a link to this post to CEOs in my mailbox. Request you to do the same. Thanks.

Some progress

2008-12-01T15:18:00.002+05:30

Ok, here's the update on the ideas we all expressed in my previous blog. I have had a long chat with Milind Deora and he has promised to help forward our concrete proposals to the PM. AND make sure he reads them.

Meanwhile, do land up at the Gateway at 6pm on Wed. And make a statement. I will be there for sure.

WE CANNOT HANDLE THIS

2008-11-28T17:33:00.003+05:30

Usually, I would have spectacularly dissed Singh, Advani, Sonia, Deshmukh etc and the so-called intelligence officers, I would have cursed and abused them freely with no editor around to censor my cuss words, but I won’t. Because I am no longer furious, I have lost that emotion. I feel humiliated, depressed, mind-fucked and impotent.

Not just because it’s one more massacre of my city, but also because of the places that have been brutalised. The Taj and The Oberoi are hotels I have grown up with, they have been a part of my life, as I am sure is the case with many of you fellow Bombayites. I have dated inside their romantic restaurants. I have fallen in love inside them. I have held and participated in events and ceremonies inside their glittering halls. I have shopped in their happening arcades. I have done many interviews inside their corporate offices. I have surreptitiously gone to pee inside their glitzy loos on broke evenings. I had my first ciggie on the steps of the Taj on a rainy night. Hell, I almost signed up at the Taj as a management trainee, but opted for the ad world. So when I see these two members of my ‘family’ burn, I burn inside. There is no rage, only a sense of mourning, the loss of a loved one, the rape of a loved one.

There’s another reason for loss of anger: I have now concluded our mantris and our spies are not competent to handle the terror issue. Which is why we get impudently attacked every other day. They are irrelevant to the solution to this menace. In fact, they compound it further by politicising every bomb and every bullet. But we cannot change our political system for now as there is mass illiteracy in this nation, and till such time the masses become more educated and aware, we will continue to be ruled by these jokers.

My belief is there is only one way forward: we need to set ego and pride aside, admit that we cannot deal with terror, and we need to invite the Yank, the Brit and the Israeli specialists to come and take charge of the anti-terror wing of the nation for a couple of years. They lead, they take decisions, we follow and learn, as simple as that. Sounds blasphemous and crazy? Not really. If we can have their CEOs to run companies in India, if we can have their coaches to run our sports, if we boast of a global world, why can’t we extend that to terror, especially since we clearly aren’t capable in that field. That America has not been hit for seven years, tells us why they seem to know this gig better. Just as the Mumbai police could not handle these criminals, and the NSG had to be called in, why don’t we use the same diagram on a larger, international scale?

There’s one more reason I suggest this: If the world finally discovers first-hand that it is Pakistan that’s directly behind terror in India (right now no one believes that claim, because Advani blames the Pakis when he finds a frickin fly in his tomato soup), they are more likely to support us in a full and frontal conflict with our neighbour. Which, at some point, could become an inevitability.

If you agree with this idea, write to me, will help launch a pressure campaign on the government to make this happen. We have the power to do at least that. To put pressure.

There is no point getting furious and all worked-up. It’s time to find hard solutions, to act. We must. Because our netas won’t on their own.

The Eff M

2008-10-23T11:58:00.006+05:30

A number of comics and incompetent folks have managed to rule this nation, but I think the biggest joke of them all is our finance minister.

Chidambaram looks like a mathematics professor and speaks like an accounts wiz, but his crazy actions have always given away the real man: I think the mantri knows as much about finance as I know about tarot card reading: zilch.

The FM has done nothing to help ease the inflation. He’s done nothing to find solutions to the stocks crisis. He’s done nothing to find ways and means to save both the industrial sector and the aam aadmi. He’s come up with zero ideas to save jobs. There have been no plans worked out to cope with recessionary times. Through his hugely failed tenure, Chidambaram has simply been left wondering what happened. And when his mind does go on overdrive, he comes up with schemes like each time you take a client out for a drink, you pay tax on it (or some such drivel.)

And what is his latest mantra for the industry? Cut prices! Haha, what can be a bigger joke than that. He wants corporates to further erode their already eroded profitability! So how on earth will they pay salaries? And hire staff? Very clearly, this idea is aimed at garnering votes. And has no financial planning behind it. The Congress is desperate for price fall with elections round the corner. Since the FM has no idea how to do his job, he’s asking the private sector to bail him out.

I am deffy not voting for the Congress in the next elections. Unless they promise me Chidu will be in charge of the animal husbandry department.

Conspiracy of silence

2008-10-23T11:58:00.005+05:30

"The only thing necessary for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke

I really don’t understand what the fuss about Obama is all about. We have had a Muslim prez, a Sikh PM and a Christian calls the shots in this nation… and a Dalit lady could well be the PM soon. So we have been there and done what the US is doing now. All I know is black or white, ANYONE is better than Dubya, so it’s a welcome change.

What we SHOULD be worrying and fussing about, are huge eff-ups back home. And the biggest eff-up of them all is Raj Thackeray.

When I watch Raj Thackeray in action as he sets about building his sinister brand, I can’t but help notice a similarity between him and the rise of Hitler. (In fact, Thackeray has openly spoken of his deep admiration for the Nazis.)

The same hateful speeches. The same fascist ambitions. The same deadly, crowd-pulling charisma. The identical attempt to feed on the masses’ perceived fears and insecurities. The ditto violent attempts at ethnic cleansing. The parallels are stark and frightening.

And sadly, as we get ready for history to repeat itself, it is clear that the past has taught us nothing. The vast majority in the city remain silent spectators. Either they believe in the neo-Nazi, or don’t seem to care, or are plain scared of speaking out against him. And what’s truly frightening is the tacit support Thackeray seems to be enjoying from the celebrity Marathis. Shobhaa De and others are candid about it. And public idols like Sachin Tendulkar and Lata Mangeshkar (both of whose words carry more weight than any political don) are missing. And the print media has decided to focus on Bollywood and parties. And now Obamaji. In short, people who can make a difference, who can stop the rebirth of Hitler, are busy doing nothing.

Yup, my words carry little weight in comparison with these worthies. Yet, I am ready to take on the man. Whatever happens in politics, we cannot allow the damned communal, lingo divide under any circumstances. Sadly however, newspapers in this country are loathe to giving me space. So all I can do is blog.

And don’t get me wrong: I am not against the idea of priority jobs for locals. But I certainly don’t want a Hitler to play that card for me.

Because I know evil will flourish if the rest of us remain silent spectators. If we do nothing.

“I will become a goongi budhiya!”

2008-10-23T11:58:00.004+05:30

(Here's my int with Mrs B for People mag, in case you missed it.)

In one significant respect, Jaya Bachchan is a misfit in the film industry. In a world full of diplomacy, double-speak and political correctness, she stands out like a breath of fresh air. Always direct, always candid, always all-heart. And this unique characteristic has got her much strife on a regular basis. The last being the ugly verbal spat with Raj Thackeray, which led to threats of violence on the streets of Mumbai. The question is, will this fiery actor and MP now tone down, and become as boringly discreet as the rest of the film frat? Has Bollywood lost its last surviving brave heart? In an exclusive interview, Jaya bares her soul on this, and may other compelling issues.

You were holidaying with Mr Bachchan in Paris last week… was it an escape from the recent crisis on the language issue?
No, it wasn’t about that, I don’t believe in the word ‘escape’. He was in Paris, he had some meetings to attend and the shoot had got cancelled. So I joined him there.

It’s been thirty five years of marriage. Does the romance continue?
Well, with time the connotations of the word ‘romance’ change, it’s not the way when you are sixteen. It means spending time with your children, grand children, remembering moments, and that’s romance too. We lead very ordinary lives.

Mr Bachchan doesn’t buy you roses anymore?
(Laughs.) Of course he does! You know he could have been in Paris on his own, but he invited me to join him, and that was a very sweet thought. Once, I had stepped out of the room, while he was busy blogging. And bought him a perfume that I know he likes. So maybe this is romance.

Marriages seem to be falling apart these days, how have you managed to keep it going for so many years? How can you keep a man faithful to you for so long, that too such a desirable man?
By just leaving him alone. You have to have the conviction. I married a good man and a family that believes in commitment. (Thinks.) You must not get too possessive, especially in our profession, where you know things aren’t going to be easy. You can either drive the artist crazy, or you can help him or her to grow. And if he goes, then he was never yours! (Smiles.)

But surely all those rumours about affairs must disturb…
(Thinks.) You are a human being, you do react. If you react to negativity, you also react to positivity. You are reassured every second by gestures, by looks, by happenings, and that keeps you going. (Thinks more.) A human being at a very vulnerable age and time gets carried away either ways, and if you are sad you are sad, and if you are happy you are happy.

Once and for all: Is there any truth about the affair with Rekha?
If there was any, he would have been somewhere else, na? People liked them as a couple on screen, and that’s fine. The media tried linking him with every one of his heroines. My life would have been hell if I had taken it all seriously. We are made of sterner stuff.

Would you mind if they worked together again?
No, why should I mind? But I feel it will be more like a sensation than actual work. And that’s a pity because one will miss the opportunity of seeing them together. Both of them probably realise it will go beyond work.

Doesn’t the husband ever scream at you for being so outspoken?
(Stares hard.) Do I look like the kind of person who can get shouted at? He’s my husband, he’s not my boss! I think Amitji is more worldly-wise than I am. I call him Gandhiji (laughs). He always looks at things from the other person’s point of view.

And you agree with him on that?
On a philosophical level, yes. On a normal human level, no! (Bursts out laughing.)

I think after the recent issue with Raj Thackeray, you will think ten times before making a public statement. Guess you’ll lose your spontaneity.
Who is to blame? You tell me. The problem is certain people have the liberty to say what they like, certain people don’t. I will try to be correct from hereon. I felt genuinely sorry for what I had said at the music launch, and that’s why I called you. But I have certain convictions which no one can take away from me. Maybe I say things that come from the heart, maybe I should use my mind, I need to realise who I am. I will become a goongi budhiya from now! (Laughs sarcastically.)

Has Sonia Gandhi made an effort to thaw the ice between the two families? There were reports she was concerned about the MNS tirade against you.
I don’t know. I suppose being the leader of the party that governs this state, she may have enquired.

Don’t you think for emotional reasons the Gandhi and the Bachchan family should get friendly again?
Well, if you speak of emotions, then one should ask did it (the break-up) have to happen in the first place?

You are not an easily forgiving person…
I agree with you. But if you reason with me, I am a very forgiving person. I am an honest person, I do not have needs in life, I can be happy anywhere. And I hope and think I have brought my children up with the right values. I keep telling my son every single day, it doesn’t matter if a film does well or not. What matters is a light boy saying thirty years later, ‘it was such a pleasure working with you’.

And I guess you would want some of those values to rub off on people who join the family, Ash for example.
Yes. That is why I wanted my son to marry a girl who has those values, who has that tradition, that culture.

Is that one of the reasons Abhishek’s marriage plans with Karisma didn’t work out?
(Long silence.) She has the blood and genes of the Kapoors. They have the tradition. Her father and I were buddies, they had good relations with my husband. So one must not always blame the families.

So then what went wrong?
Ask Abhishek.

Did it have to do with Babita?
That I don’t know. Look, I don’t think it’s correct to discuss this, they are both married people now, so let’s bury this issue.

About the movies. Films from your era had soul. Guddi, Abhimaan, Koshish. These days most stuff is mindless entertainment.
With due respect to the Hollywood culture, even there the films being made today aren’t what they used to be. And it’s the same here. Money has become the over-riding factor. Very few people are saying, ‘let’s make a sensible film, let’s work within a budget, let’s make a little profit, and be happy’. We have forgotten to create art, and have become very dependent on the commercial aspect. We should learn a lesson from the European cinema. You know, I don’t watch previews these days because I would hate to give my true reactions to the director.

Did you like Drona? And please don’t respond as a mother.
I didn’t mind it. I think they have tried to make something different. I think the budget they had for a concept like this, they needed twice the amount of money. But I think children will love the film.

SRK came for the Drona premier, that was nice of him.
Yes. Abhishek called him and said, ‘Sir, it will make a huge difference to me if you arrive’. And he did, which I think is very gracious of him. I have a weakness for Shah Rukh.

He did not say a very nice thing about Ash in that brawl with Salman, you don’t hold that against him?
Of course, I do. I haven’t had the opportunity to discuss it with him, and I am going to speak to him about it. If he was at my home, I would have slapped him, just as I would my own son. But I have connected with him in my soul, and that’s it.

So then why didn’t you invite him for the Abhi-Ash wedding?
Is Aishwarya going to invite him for the wedding? Let me tell you, very honestly, if we could have invited him, we would have changed the date of the wedding. I would like to give my family the freedom and the space.

You must have hurt when you heard Raj Thackeray say, ‘Guddi buddhi zaali, pun aazoon akal aali naahi’.
Of course, yes, I was hurt. I would never use this kind of language. And I am more hurt that the conscience keepers of this nation kept quiet when he used this kind of language.

Didn’t you stop Mr Bachchan from committing hara-kiri with RGV ki Aag?
Yes, I did stop him.

And he didn’t listen.
Noo! (Smiles.)

Not in my name!

2008-10-23T11:58:00.003+05:30

I am not a Marathi manoos, but if I was one, this is what I would be screaming from the rooftops.

Because the literate factions of the community know Raj is misleading the gullible members, his heart does not bleed for the community, he is like any other self-serving neta.

Because they know this sort of hate politics is going to destroy this nation, when it is the external enemies and our pressing internal problems we should be collectively focussing on.

Because they know Raj’s actions will come home to haunt the community, Marathis working in other states can and WILL come under pressure in good time. There are enough goondas in every state of India.

Because they know there is no heroism in bullying and kicking poor students from other states.

Because they know Thackeray is smearing the image of the entire community by waging hate in their name, and silence means quiet acceptance of this repugnant situation.

I fervently appeal to all my Marathi speaking pals to raise their voices against this goonda. Especially in the Marathi newspapers, television channels, and radio stations. And try to make the gullible members of the community aware of Thackeray’s real agenda.

Because they must know once the Marathis reject this man for his hateful and violent ways, Thackeray will have no choice but to build his party on the development agenda. Or, quietly fade away.

Jai Maharashtra!

Corporate responsibility

2008-10-16T17:00:00.002+05:30

Some notes and observations on the Jet lay-off:

I find it interesting that the first door the laid-off staffers knocked was that of Raj, not Uddhav. Should tell you something about who the next godfather of Mumbai is. Now we understand how much the canny Raj benefited his own brand by ‘fixing’ the Bachchans amongst his other nefarious deeds. The misfit Uddhav must now gracefully admit defeat, and forget about his future in militant politics.

I have this niggling feeling one of the reasons the media is so concerned about the sacked staffers is that the demonstrators consist of attractive chicks and hunky doods. Makes for good visuals. A refreshing change from the striking mill workers, farmers and rickshaw drivers they usually deal with. Personally, I am waiting for the Kingfisher babes to come out on the roads. Chosen personally by the tasteful Dr Mallya, these gurls have sexier figures.

While it’s never a great feeling to lose your job (I have been unceremoniously sacked once), my sympathies lie with the Jet management in this instance. They have every right to lay off staffers in bad times, the law of the land allows corporates to fire. So it’s extremely unfair that they are being put under such pressure by the media and the parallel governments. What people need to understand is this pressure will cause CEOs to hire with caution during good times. And it’s these same youngsters who stand to lose in the long term.

Also, I am sorry if these 20-something kids took loans and are now saddled with EMIs. Whose fault is that? Did Naresh Goyal ask them to take such risks in unconfirmed jobs? We middle-aged sods did not borrow till we were in our thirties, and after we had covered our arses for contingencies. Perhaps this is a wake-up call for today’s gen that lives unplanned, for-the-night lives.

Let’s assume the airlines are forced to take these staffers back, and the airlines cannot afford them. What will happen? What if they shut down operations for some time? Imagine being stuck with the maha regressive and maha inefficient Indian Airlines all over again. Did someone mention this country moves one step forward and two steps backward?

Finally, spare a thought for the dance bar girls. Many of the laid off girls had to lay dirty old men to eek out a living. The air hostesses can and will find decent jobs if they stop protesting on the streets, and try to scan employment ads. Guess more than money, it’s the cushy, high-life they are finding difficult to kiss goodbye.

Two committees

2008-09-22T12:24:00.004+05:30

See, this is exactly the thing that gives a huge boost to the terror agents in their recruitment drive. We have two committee reports on the Godhra incident, headed by the so-called respected judges, and their findings are 180 degrees opposite of each other. They are as dissimilar as Gandhi is from Osama.

I mean, if I was an able TV anchor, I would close the inane debate by grandly declaring ‘the truth lies somewhere in between’, but in this context it’s like saying the truth is a cross between Gandhi and Osama and that’s like impossible.

Which means, one of the two exalted committees is deliberately misleading the nation, and to find out which one, we will have to launch a third committee and that means another ten years down the tube. So much for justice in this nation!

And this clear injustice is what drives the fringe elements to blast the lives of innocent people. No amount of weapons and policing and intelligence can help us unless we cure the root cause of this cancer: political interference in the process of justice.

We dunno which committee is telling the truth (perhaps a sting operation on the bank accounts of their respective chiefs could throw a clue?). But we do know this: get ready for another series of attacks in buses and trains and planes and places of worship.

Attacks on churches

2008-09-22T12:24:00.003+05:30

I was having a drink with a Christian pal, and he rebuked us journos and the general public for not speaking out against the recent attacks on churches, and adding that we were biased against Christians in India.

And I didn’t agree with him. Because I don’t think we don’t care (history has taught us if we don’t reign in divisive forces in time, the consequences can and will be lethal).

It’s just that we all have been so badly screwed by the regular bomb blasts carried out by the fringe Islamic agents, apart from other routine problems of survival, that we just don’t have any mind-space left to deal with this sad development. We know the last thing we need is for another community to get pissed with the nation, and throw up a brand new set of militants on its fringes, yet we do nothing because how many problems can a human mind cope with?

It’s obvious that if the Bajrang Dal and its like-minded units are against the so-called conversions, then there are civilised means available to protest. A demo at the Jantar Mantar will be a good start. Or even better, creating communications and doing real deeds on the ground to discourage conversions. However, that is a long route, and violent elements of any group have no patience for it.

In short, this nation has become captive to extremists from every religious group (and if attacks against churches continue, we will have a brand new set), and the ruling government’s failure (or reluctance) to control them is costing our secularism and safety big-time. I think the premise on which this nation was born (pluralism, tolerance, co-existence) is under attack, and there’s nothing we can do but sit back and watch its imminent demolition.

Not because we don’t care or are not aware, but because how much shit can we deal with? After a point, you just give up and leave things to the Almighty.

I hope my Christian buddy understands this defeatist attitude.

So when is it enough?

2008-09-16T17:44:00.002+05:30

Just a quick thought: Exactly how many bombs and deaths will it take for the political parties to stop politicking and come together to launch a mother of all wars against terror?

When will Sonia and Advani put the nation ahead of their own interests? Like, at what point will that happen, what is the critical mass of dead bodies required to trigger that unity? 2000? 5000? 100,000? One million?

Wish we knew the figure, so at least we know how much our netas value life in this country. It took one 9/11 for America to come together. How many taareekhs do our leaders need?

The real culprits

2008-09-12T11:59:00.003+05:30

It is actually neither Jaya’s nor Raj’s fault in the crazy spat the two got involved in. Mrs Bachchan lives in a democracy (or so we believe), and has every right to express her feelings. If she connects with UP more than other states, well, too bad, that’s her choice. It’s like you can’t hang me if I say I prefer pakwan daal over puran poli despite having lived in Maharashtra practically all my life.

And I don’t blame Thackeray Jr, cos he’s forever looking for these situations which assure him the perceived Marathi vote bank. That’s a no-brainer, the man needs opportunities to strike, and he’d be stupid to let go of such a juicy one. So all he did was stick to building his own brand. And I believe he’s onto a good thing, I got a taste of that inside a television showroom yesterday. Raj was addressing a press conference and all the zillion TV sets were beaming that live. The Marathi manus salesmen forgot all about selling, crowded the sets, and rejoiced and gloated over Raj’s victory of having ‘taught the Bachchans a lesson’.

So all that’s cool. To me, the two parties that have emerged villains of this tamasha are one, the state government, and two, the print media. Let me explain.

The Deshmukhs and the Patils need to act swiftly and effectively on all goondagardi, whether actually executed or threatened. That they keep looking the other way each time Raj lets loose his goons, is a dereliction of their paid duties. There are two reasons why this happens. One, their own fears that by targetting Raj they could antagonise the Marathi manus. And two, they don’t want to rock the possibility of an alliance with the MNS at some point. That they keep their political interests ahead of their jobs (which we tax payers pay dearly for), is what pisses me off.

I don’t read the Marathi press, but I am appalled that editors of the English press aren’t coming down heavily on the state government for its total inaction. Unless the media puts serious pressure on errant ruling netas, the entire concept of democracy becomes a joke. I suspect the proprietors and editors of newspapers don’t wish to offend netas they regularly need for licenses and approvals.

Anyways, one thing I know is this: Encouraged by the Bachchan apology, Raj is now going to go all out to create trouble at the slightest chance. And the only sufferers will be we, the aam junta, who get caught in the crossfire.

Moral of the story: Privately, I shall enjoy my pakwan. In public, I shall claim to be passionate about the poli.

Jai Maharashtra!

Checked out Kosi, dude?

2008-09-08T21:10:00.002+05:30

Will not be surprised if some geeks in Bangalore mistake Kosi to be a ‘tributary’ of that ever-fav hang-out joint, Koshy. And that to me would be symbolic of the staggering apathy we feel for the disaster in Bihar. No one’s interested in that tragedy, not the urban folks, and by turn, not the electronic media.

I don’t hear of massive Bollywood drives, candle light vigils for the dead, inspiring columns in newspapers, kick arse talks shows, it’s almost as if Bihar is someone else’s problem. Maybe Pakistan’s or China’s of US’s problem. And also because that poor state is irrelevant in our shining scheme of things.

I think we should care, and I say that on an emotional and rational level. The Biharis are after all OUR people, and if we don’t worry about them, who will? Each time we proudly rise to the anthem before the chick flick, we recognise and accept that we are one. Then why this cold disinterest?

On a rational level, it is this double-standard approach of urban India that comes back to haunt us. This is what causes rural people to disconnect with us. This is what causes Singur, this is what causes mass migrations (and with that crimes) to big cities, this is what causes Naxalism, this is what causes farmer suicides, this is what causes hatred for malls and multiplexes and ‘India Shining’. Already the villagers feel cheated out because of disproportionate power transmission into metro towns, while they reel under 20-hour cuts. What will the survivors of Kosi feel and think about us? That we left them to die like rats… I shudder to think. Contrast the attention Mumbai received during the 2005 cloudburst and you’ll get the drift.

So if we are going to discriminate, and are ready for the consequences, please let’s not do the charade of rising when Ja Na Ga Ma Na plays out. Continue hogging your popcorn, and hope that your children remain safe in a divided India.

Nanooooooooo!

2008-08-25T14:00:00.003+05:30

Let me clarify on thing right away: Mamta Banerjee isn’t one of my fav netas, in fact the only place I would REALLY like to see her is inside the Bigg Boss madhouse. Admittedly, I do not know much about her brand of politics, but she does come across as someone who’s a professional party pooper.

However on the issue of the Tata plant at Singur, and her allergy to the little car, I must say, very secretly I hope Mamta is able to give enough labour pains to the car maker so that they are compelled to seek new avenues, and the birth of baby Nano gets pushed by a year if not more. No, I am not anti-capitalism, far from it. Being an ad man, free market trickery runs in my blood. And more so, I have the greatest regard for Ratan Tata.

The reason I am rooting for the fiery politician is that I have serious worries about Nano, and would ideally like the whole project scuttled. As I had mentioned in a previous post, and let me shout this out again: NANO WILL NOT BE THE POOR MAN’S CAR IN URBAN INDIA, THAT’S A FALLACY. IT WILL BE THAT LOKHANDWALA DUDE’S FOURTH OR FIFTH OR SIXTH CAR, MEANT FOR ‘ROUGH USE’.

Which is why I am a firm believer that Nano should only be sold in small towns and rural areas, indeed that’s where it will serve its honourable purpose. The lower middle class folks of big cities aren’t gonna touch Nano cos these folks have NO PARKING SPACE IN THEIR RESIDENTIAL AREAS.

Which basically means post Nano, a root canal surgery would appear more appealing than a drive on city streets, and I am appalled that the citizens of metro town aren’t able to foresee the impending doom.

Sure, no one can stop Mr Tata from doing his business where he wants in this country, but a lakh plus car will be a real nightmare in our lives. And that’s why I am cheering Mamta in this battle… the further she can push the project, the more time it gives us to plan our lives. The irony of the whole thing is that the day Nano gets launched in Mumbai, I will say tata to my car. And relocate to a hill station.

Let the brat go

2008-08-17T10:22:00.004+05:30

Vir Sanghvi has written an outstanding column in today’s HT, for the first time I have read views on Kashmir that make huge sense. He basically suggests if the Kashmiris do not want to be a part of India, that if every incident out there becomes a call for secession, then the time has come to hold a referendum out there, and allow them the right for self-determination.

If we leave the factors of ego and pride out, clearly that’s the most sensible, logical way to go. Let me highlight what Sanghvi is saying with a parallel that all of us might find better to connect with.

There’s a large house with a joint family. Despite the usual sibling rivalries and other financial problems, the family is doing okay and prospering as a whole. Now, the youngest child, who is the most pampered of the lot, showered with the most love and money, treated better by the parents, is always unhappy, and keeps threatening to leave the house. He not only uses the ‘I wanna go’ card to blackmail the family into pouring largesse on him, he never misses a chance to abuse his parents and his brothers and sisters.

This dude has become a serious problem for the household… apart from draining the limited resources, he is forever bringing great agony and stress to the entire family. He doesn’t even miss a chance to physically harm his brothers and sisters. Despite years of molly-coddling, he feels closer to the neighbouring family, and prefers to be with them.

The only reason the family wants to keep him in the house is because of the old fash virtue of being seen as undivided, and the fear of the so-called badnaami that happens when a child leaves. This false sense of pride is costing the entire family dearly… no matter what it does for the brat, he is always unhappy.

Now any sensible, modern, educated family would much prefer that the pissed off child leaves and carves his own destiny. Maybe the ouster might open his eyes to how harsh the outside world is, maybe one day he will return a reformed man. Maybe he will discover that the neighbour’s family will actually kick his arse, or maybe he will find true happiness, which is great for all concerned.

Yes, it’s time to be matured and pragmatic about the brat, it’s time to let him go.

Farewell, dear Kashmir.

Comatose winner, haha!

2008-08-14T16:59:00.002+05:30

Something really funny is playing out on the TV even as I write this, and no, it isn’t about Ms Rakhi Sawant’s latest gripe.

It’s the way the media is gunning after the golden boy, Bindra. And the poor chap appears sleepy, droopy, drugged, bored, sullen and lost. It’s clear all the chap wants is a large glass of Horlicks, and then crash into bed for the next six months. I have damaged my couch laughing at the way the harried reporters are sweating to get fiery sound bytes from Bindra, and all he can manage is, I am happy, I am humble (sic), I am glad, I am proud. And after reluctantly uttering each such gem, he makes a gesture to flee. Hiyuk, hiyuk. Because the next questions are about his impending marriage and Bollywood plans, more hiyuk, hiyuk. Reminds me of the time when as a child I tried milking an ox through an error of biological judgment.

No, don’t get me wrong, I ain’t trying to mock this rare talent, it’s the media that’s keeping me in splits. Used to chatting up such motor-mouths as Rakhi Sawant, Amar Singh and Suhel Seth, the poor journos have no idea how to deal with this taciturn dude. Here’s the deal, people: Methinks the secret of Bindra’s success could well be his comatose persona. The near catatonic schizophrenic character could be one of the key factors that helped him achieve success in his sport, rifle shooting is a skill that perhaps needs such a drowsy mind. Maybe you need the stupor to be able to focus sharply.

So the best thing to do is leave him alone to his Horlicks and bed. Any more questions on marriage, and we run the risk of converting a champ into Rakhi Sawant. Yes, he’ll still be shooting, but only from the hip, hiyuk, hiyuk.

Sorry, but I stick to my view!

2008-08-12T18:45:00.001+05:30

First of all, many thanks to all of you who left comments on my previous blog… given the volume, it’s clear we have a highly debatable matter on our hands.

After reading each comment, and after careful thought, I have decided to stay with my opinion, yup, at the great risk of being perceived as a rabid bigot.

Let’s examine the core argument: It’s the mom who’s left holding the baby, the rest of us will vanish in time, so only the parents should decide: Yes, we already have. The media for instance is already ODing on the Olympic winner, Nikita has disappeared completely. And that’s to be expected, especially given the superficial media we have created in this nation (and I am a part of it). But that still doesn’t change the fact that the issue concerns the nation at large, you change the law for one individual, it changes the world we live in. While there are compelling arguments put forth… that why must parents give birth to a potentially unhealthy child and suffer along with it for the rest of their lives… the hard truth is that I HAVE seen in my lifetime babies with serious heart problems go onto living perfectly reasonable lives. Sure, some won’t, but we can’t say that for sure, so why not give life a chance? My worry is with the obsession of today’s parents to produce the so-called perfect child, cos that is a myth. Forget physical disabilities that show up later, what about the mental sicknesses some people are born with? Ergo, WE CAN NEVER BE SURE what we are bringing into the world, so why not give nature a chance? Finally, having seen such cases from close quarters, there is no greater joy in life than helping turn around the life of a challenged child. That joy is far greater than any professional success. Using tech to abort dicey fetuses to me is a cop-out, a loser attitude. And yes, the law will be mis-used by people, we are like that only. As someone pointed out, millions of female fetuses get illegally aborted, and there’s zilch we can do about it. Look where technology has got us, and now we want it to cause further damage!

Mind you, I am not against tech per se, I am not some hard anti abortion campaigner. But tech should be used to make our lives better, to heal us, to treat us. And not to kill an individual’s right to live, just because the unborn has no say in the matter. When we choose to produce babies, we have to accept there’ll always be that element of risk, but we gotta live with that. Sorry, but I am not the sort of person who runs away from problems. If that makes me an old fash, tech challenged relic, so be it. Perhaps my mom would have aborted me if tech had told her I would turn out to be such a fossil.

No right to kill

2008-08-05T09:23:00.003+05:30

Some observations on the late abortion debate.

• I think the moot problem is that the law must redefine the stage at which life comes into being. To suggest that happens only after 20 weeks of pregnancy (one is legally allowed to abort before that) is fallacious. I think life comes into being the moment the egg is fertilised… the couple becomes a threesome FROM THAT POINT. Therefore all decisions the parents take must take into account the third life, and its right to live.

• Which means there have to be compelling reasons for abortion at ANY point, because one is cutting out an individual’s most basic right to live. And these to my mind are: The parents are way too poor to rear a child. The pregnancy is the result of rape. The to-be mom is a minor. And for no other reason must the abortion be termed legal, yup, even when the girl gets pregnant after a hectic dandiya night. Sure, in the last instance, the lady would visit the shady dai maa, but the law must make it illegal, so at least she knows the abortion is a violation of the Constitution. That perhaps might encourage her to be careful during the dandiya raas.

• Under no circumstances must technology be allowed to come in the way of Mother Nature. No matter how unhealthy the foetus is, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DECIDE ITS DESTINY, not even the parents. We have heard stories of abnormal children going on to to live perfectly healthy lives. The parents must use the high tech to HELP the child live a healthy life, rather than nip it in the bud.

• Think about this: the moment one couple is allowed to decide to get rid of abnormal children, and with the rapid advancement we are seeing in medical science, here’s what the future will hold for us. We would see abortions for the weirdest of reasons: one finger missing, abort. Poor eyesight, abort. Too dark skinned, abort. Crooked nose, abort. Which is why I am totally with the HC judges on this. Nikita and Haresh CANNOT be allowed to kill their child.

• Lastly, only two entities are allowed to decide on someone’s right to live. God. And murderers. Since we cannot be gods, let us not turn into murderers.

Shocked, awed & screwed

2008-07-27T13:49:00.001+05:30

Okay, so here’s the deal: we CANNOT ever hope for our governments and intelligence agencies to save our skin. Let’s just accept that once and for all. The netas and their officers are either too busy making each other richer to stay in power, or are simply inefficient, or are too politically motivated to do anything concrete (the Congress, for instance, would never do anything to flush out terror agents in our midst at the risk of hurting its so-called minority vote bank). Or it’s a combo of all these.

From hereon, it’s each man and woman for his/her own. We have to protect ourselves. And make caution a part of our daily lifestyle, our DNA. So at any public place, we have to keep a sharp eye on suspicious objects and suspicious people. At the slightest of doubt, we have to raise an alarm. Be it a suspicious character on a bus-ride, or the package lying unattended on the stray bicycle. There will be a million false alarms, but no matter.

In a sting operation I did for the Mirror last year, on the ann of the Bombay train blasts, I was shocked to find no one bothered to stop me when I left my bag behind in buses, trains and malls. This apathy simply has to go, there is no option.

Just as staring hard at pretty women, jumping queues, spitting and pissing in public places has become a part of our persona, so must the habit of exercising caution. I am changing this aspect of myself, and so must you. Good luck, mate!

Why blame the netas?

2008-07-23T18:39:00.006+05:30

Commentator after commentator on the tube and the print media has been having a blistering go at our maha corrupt netas, following the sordid spectacle in the parliament house, the shrill cry being that the politicians have failed this nation, that they have shamed India, that they are all chors, blah and blah.

What amazes me is this: why is everyone wasting time over stuff that we have known for years together? Did anyone seriously expect the trust motion to pass smoothly without money exchanging hands and without shady deals being brokered? Especially with foxy fixers like Amar Singh in full flow? And with convicts seated comfortably in seats of power?

So all this whining is a waste of time and precious newsprint. What we all tend to conveniently forget is this: those 341 maha atmas in the corridors of power haven't landed there from space. Not only have we put them out there, they are a part of the independent India we have created together, they are a mirror to the society we have all jointly build, they are us. So trashing these mighties is nothing more than an amusing exercise in self-flagellation.

If this nation no longer throws up leaders like Gandhi and Nehru and Tilak and Bose it is because such souls don't exist in our current times, what does exist is blokes like Amar Singh. Let's deal with this, man: corruption exists in every sphere of our life today, we all live and breathe it every single day. We bribe cops to duck fines, we bribe municipal folks to get our development plans passed, we bribe electricity guys to steal power, we bribe the RTO guys to get driving licenses, we cut deals with netas to get projects passed, we bribe tax guys to save on tax, we bribe clerks to get ration cards and passports, we bribe custom officials to bring in goodies tax-free, we bribe touts and deans to get college admissions, we even try to bribe judges to get favorable judgments! Do you really want me to list the dirty laundry? So how can a nation like that expect saints like Gandhi to be leaders?

Net: Remember that every time you give a gaali to the debauched neta, you are actually giving it to yourself. Because he/she is you.

Mockery of justice

2008-07-15T09:38:00.002+05:30

Blog reader Jenny says I must be busy gloating over the fact that a month and a half back (see May 30 post) I had expressed the view that Talwar may not be guilty of killing his daughter, and that an innocent man could be facing the nightmare of his life. Let me post her comments here.

Jenny: “I am sure you must be gloating that you said Talwar was innocent and "I told u so" must be written all over ur face BUT I am laughing at the way the journalists r falling all over talwars feet and saying sorry to him...I mean if they thot they were doing their job then why undo it now?? journalism has reached such a low that journos don’t know what questions to put to the talwars..I mean asking him if he will sue the police?? What do they expect a man who is still an accused and only out on bail to say?? some journos even went to the extent of undergoing a narco test to see what cud be revealed...who allowed these tests? who conducted them without a doctor’s prescription to do so? and why undergo a test which is equal to undergoing general anesthesia?? why did they not do it when abu salem a hardcore criminal underwent a similar test?? secondly anil don’t u feel the talwars r getting away scot free?? they had a teenage daughter at home...don’t they lock the male servants OUT before going to sleep in a room with the AC on?? (renuka choudhary are u sleeping) abroad this wud have amounted to neglect on the part of the parents. why was hemraj allowed to entertain his friends inside the house?? why did the durranis say that rajkumar was at home that night?? shud the UP police be sued?? I don’t know but someone mislead them convincingly....so that enough time was bought to cover evidence? I am still not convinced, ARE YOU?”

And here’s my response. Jenny, no, I am really not gloating, cos it’s simply too early for that lovely emotion. The CBI has not declared Talwar innocent so far, and who knows what lies ahead in this intricate game of snakes and ladders? However, one thing looks very possible: unless the officers locate the murder weapon (which is increasingly becoming dicey), this case is bound to misfire, and everyone will go free in the end. (What people say under trance is invalid in court, and that’s pretty much all evidence the sleuths have.)

So my prediction wasn’t about declaring the dad not guilty (who am I to do that?), it was about a hugely bungled police investigation, and a concern that this tragedy could befall any one of us tomorrow. My issue really is with the fact that the entire investigative machinery needs to be re-engineered, so that innocent people don’t suffer under any circumstances. Will that happen? Sadly, I have my doubts. Maybe Talwar must eventually sue, perhaps that will put some pressure on the system.

As for your comments on the role of the media, you are absolutely right; the journos have behaved liked idiots right through the process. The media has failed, it’s come out like a joker in this sordid story. And I am aghast that they are still not learning… how can they say sorry to the dentist while the case is still on??? Beats me completely. Yup, the Indian media is getting dumb and dumber, and hopefully we shall see some re-engineering here as well.

Finally, yes, you are right. Whatever else may or may not happen, for sure the parents must be charged for criminal neglect of a teen child. There can be NO access into the house for a male servant after hours, when you have a young daughter sleeping all alone, and you have bought air conditioners that make sounds of whirring airplanes. That must definitely happen, as a lesson for all careless parents.

A fixed democracy

2008-07-10T12:27:00.002+05:30

Amar Singh is a known fixer, his only talent is being able to cut shady deals. That is a known fact. And now finding himself in a situation where the 150 year old Congress party depends on him for its own survival, you can well imagine the goldmine that lies ahead for this portly fixer.

In the coming two weeks, apart from many criminal cases being dropped (and brand new ones launched) many MPs are going to get seriously rich as they get bought over like cattle and sheep, and one way or another, we the idiotic tax payers are going to paying for it.

When it comes to filing my taxes, this downside of our faulty democracy is the reason I give my chartered accountant much strife. Although I don’t earn much these days, I make sure I end up paying as less tax as possible (and some of the saving I use to sponsor my very old ex maid’s health… there, I shamelessly claimed it!). I often get castigated by my CA… he says how will this nation run if we all don’t pay our due taxes. While I fundamentally agree with that view, my grouse is only a fraction of what we pay ends up in looking after the nation, a whole lot vanishes in shady deeds. So my idea is to minimise the outflow, and use the rest into making sure the money goes to the really needy and the really deserving. And definitely not to whoring MPs.

And my bigger problem is with us tax payers: we just don’t seem to want to care about what becomes of our taxes. When that happens, when that day arrives when the nation’s honest junta revolts against this robbery of our hard-earned money, I will celebrate our democracy. Right now, we are all paying for Amar Singh’s cute services, and there’s nothing the world’s largest democracy can do about that but sit back and watch.

Jai Hind!

The missing netas

2008-07-05T10:15:00.001+05:30

Like many others, I find it shocking that neither did the nation’s big mantris, nor did the chiefs of the navy and the air force thought it fit to pay Manekshaw their last respects.

Even if they did not consider the soldier worthy of this honour (which is appalling in any case… this officer and his men altered the map of South Asia, no less), their presence at his funeral would surely have made many a young jawan feel proud of himself and his work. Would surely have injected a huge dose of motivation down the ranks, a great reminder that the nation honours and values their services.

I mean, if our bada sahibs don’t give a fig for a hero like Sam Bahadur, one can well imagine the sort of respect they carry in their hearts for our jawans. Is it any wonder then that no one really wants to join the army, and more often than not, the ones that do, do so for lack of lucrative civilian career options. What’s the point of singing war anthems and saluting our brave soldiers on the Independence Day when the rest of the year we give a damn when the bravest of them dies.

Come to think of it, perhaps Manekshaw might have wanted it this way. All his life he lived on his conditions, showing scant respect for the political class. I don’t think he would have missed these netas much on his last journey.

"I assure you certain death awaits you.”

2008-06-27T17:21:00.004+05:30

This is the chilling message Pakistani soldiers heard on the radio during the 1971 war. It’s not everyday that this nation gives birth to a real hero. He was and is my hero for sure. Just imagine if this nation was run by a few good men like him. We might have had very few problems.
Here’s the brief profile I wrote of this great man for Mirror last year, when he slipped into a coma. My greatest regret: I badly wanted to go across and shake his hand in Coonoor, but sat on the idea for too long. Alas!

Field Marshal Sam Hormusji Manekshaw was born on April 3, 1914 in Amritsar, Punjab, to Parsi parents. After completing his schooling at the Sherwood College in Nainital, he joined the first batch of 40 cadets at the Indian Military Academy, Dehra Dun, in 1932. In 1937, at a social gathering in Lahore, he met his future wife, Silloo Bode. They fell in love and were married in 1939. Silloo was a graduate from Bombay’s Elphinstone College and had also studied at the JJ School of Arts.

Manekshaw became the Chief of Staff of the Indian Army in 1969, and under his command, the Indian forces achieved a resounding victory in the Indo-Pak war of 1971. He served in the army for four decades and saw five wars. The legendary soldier was awarded the Padma Bhushan in 1968, the Padma Vibhushan in 1972 and was conferred the rank of Field Marshal on 1 January, 1973.

Today, at 94, the man who altered the map of South Asia, lives a secluded life in Coonoor in Tamil Nadu. His bungalow, ‘Stavka’, is now a pilgrimage centre for army jawans.

At World War II

During World War II, Manekshaw saw action in the Burma campaign, and has the rare distinction of being honoured for his bravery on the battle front itself. He was leading a counter-offensive against the invading Japanese Army. During the course of the offensive, he was hit by a burst of machine gun bullets and was severely wounded in the stomach. Major General D.T. Cowan spotted Manekshaw holding on to life and was aware of his valour in face of stiff resistance from the Japanese. Fearing the worst, Cowan quickly pinned his own Military Cross ribbon on to Manekshaw saying, “A dead person cannot be awarded a Military Cross.”

The War of 1971

Manekshaw became the 8th Chief of Army Staff on June 7, 1969. His years of military experience were soon put to the test as thousands of refugees from the erstwhile East Pakistan started crossing over to India as a result of oppression from West Pakistan. The volatile situation erupted into a full-scale war in December 1971. During this Indo-Pakistani War, Manekshaw showed uncommon ability to motivate the forces, coupling it with a mature war strategy. The war ended with Pakistan’s unconditional surrender, and the formation of Bangladesh. More than 45,000 Pakistani soldiers and 45,000 civilian personnel were taken as POWs. Manekshaw masterminded the rout of the Pakistan Army in one of the quickest victories in recent military history, it took all of 14 days to teach our neighbour a lesson they’ll never forget. The victory led to the creation of the nation of Bangladesh as separate from Pakistan.

A MAN OF STEEL, AND GREAT WIT

• In 1961, he refused to toe the line of the then Defence Minister, V.K. Krishna Menon, and was sidelined. But after the Indian army suffered a humiliating defeat, Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru rushed Manekshaw to command the retreating Indian forces. This had an electrifying effect on the demoralised officers. Manekshaw convinced the troops that the Chinese soldier was not “10 feet tall”. His first order of the day: “There will be no withdrawal without written orders and these orders shall never be issued.” The soldiers showed faith in their new commander and successfully checked further ingress by the Chinese.

• Once, he sent a packet to the leader of a battalion whose troops were reluctant to attack the enemy camp. A parcel containing bangles was delivered to the commanding officer with his compliments and a cryptic note: “If you are avoiding contact with the hostile, give these to your men to wear.” The next few weeks saw a flurry of activity by this battalion, resulting in another message: “Send the bangles back.”

• After the 1971 war, Manekshaw, while visiting military hospitals to see jawans and officers, was encountered with a soldier who had five bullet injuries. While patting the injured soldier to boost his morale, the Army Chief said “Look, you’ve got five bullets in your body, I had seven bullets at your age and today I am Chief”!

RUN-INS WITH INDIRA

Manekshaw shared a love-hate relationship with Indira, and he used to often negate her suggestions. Once, following the 1971 war against Pakistan, Indira confronted him about rumours that he was planning a coup against her. “Don’t you think I would not be a worthy replacement for you, Madam? You have a long nose, so have I. But I don’t poke my nose in other people’s affairs,” he joked. Needless to say, the no-nonsense Ms Gandhi walked away in a huff.

Suicidal women

2008-06-21T18:22:00.002+05:30

I have been following the sad death of airhostess Sucheta Anand, and the aftermath, quite closely. Because I find the story quite perplexing. And frightening.

Assume for a second that a very hurt and depressed Anand killed herself mainly because her casanova boyfriend wasn’t committing to her, and was playing the field. Now, is that reason enough to charge the fellow with abetment? Is being a cad a criminal offence? Is cheating on a girlfriend a crime? And if an already disillusioned lady does something destructive because of that, should the man be held responsible?

There’s no easy answer but cold logic tells me definitely not. Every time a woman dates a man, she carries an inherent risk in the process. The guy may turn out to be super partner, or may turn out to be a traitor, a creep. And when the latter happens, she needs to accept it as bad luck and move on. And if she doesn’t, and does something silly, how can we treat the man as a criminal abettor? And if Arjun Menon, her lover, deliberately drove her into killing herself, he becomes guilty. But conversations that happen inside the confines of four walls, leave no trail of evidence. And in this case, there isn’t even a suicide note. So there’s no law in this nation that can be used against him. Menon will walk a free man, sooner than later.

Bottomline: All ladies must accept that relationships come with a risk tag. And they need to be ready for all outcomes. And no man can be held responsible if a jilted lover can’t handle this risk. In this context, it’s incorrect that Menon is being given such a hard time, it’s against the spirit of natural justice. All I can tell ladies reading this piece is something I wrote years ago when model Nafisa Joseph killed herself in similar circumstances: We men just aren’t worth dying for.

Congress is jacked!

2008-06-06T13:31:00.002+05:30

Looks like Sonia’s good luck is fast running out, and the BJP’s is shining again. And it’s not just happening in Karnataka.

I am sticking my neck out and predicting that the Congress will get beaten black and blue in the coming general elections, no matter what sops and promises it chucks at the junta. By heavily increasing the price of gas and fuel, the government has dug its grave nicely.

I know, there was no choice, I know the oil majors were going broke, I know price of crude oil is mounting, I know the BJP would have done ditto in similar circumstances, I know all that. But elections are not won in India because of what you and I think, the upper and upper middle class is irrelevant in the Indian democracy. The people who join long lines to cast their votes are the poor and the lower middle class folks, and they either don’t understand or don’t want to understand gassy terms like Global Oil Crisis and Fiscal Deficit. All they know is ‘Congress ne hamaari vat lagaa di’, and they will do what they can to take revenge and throw the UPA out.

So, by Jhulelal, get ready for the nation’s first Sindhi PM. And am I rejoicing at the thought? Well, yes. Cos the price of gas deffy won’t come down, but that of sai bhaji and pakwan dal might. Jokes apart, nothing will change, of course. The life of the aam aadmi will roll on as usual. But it’s Advani’s turn now to have some fun on the spinning wheel. Cheers to the world’s greatest democracy!

The new desh

2008-06-02T08:55:00.003+05:30

To me, the defining image of the new India emerged last night at the IPL’s grand finale in Mumbai.

As Shane Warne, surrounded by his boys, gleefully accepted the trophy, firecrackers went off right behind them. And Warne’s knees began to tremble, he almost had a heart attack during what was his career’s most memorable moment. Clearly, the lurking fear of bomb blasts came to the fore, the Oz hasn’t gotten over the Jaipur blasts, and must have nervously read about the bomb that was diffused only hours back in a New Bombay theater.

And this is the accurate picture of the nation for me: a global outlook, a booming economy, financial muscle power, hard materialism, and yet, complete apathy to the real issues that plague us. That, in our desperation to make money and entertain, we have given a shit for our own dirty backyard.

And the image of the agri mantri, Shri Sharad Pawar, beating his chest on the IPL’s global success, even as yet another farmer killed himself somewhere in a remote village, came a close second to Warne’s in painting a vivid pic of the new India.

The father's burden

2008-05-30T17:26:00.003+05:30

Enough has been reported/stated/farted in the media by rookie journos and idiotic cops over the Aarushi murder, so surely you must be bored. However, there’s one thing that still needs to be said.

Assume for a second that it wasn’t the dad that killed his teen daughter (yes, that possibility cannot be ruled out yet), imagine the complete terror the man must be living. First, the brutal killing of his daughter and the trauma that follows thereafter. Then, the intense media scrutiny on his life with some seriously slanderous shooting in the air by the police. Now, he’s in jail facing hard interrogation, and a narco test on its way. And all this based on what? Absolutely nothing, the police have no evidence at all in this murder. And guess what? Even if eventually the case misfires and the man is declared innocent, his life, his career, his everything, is blown forever.

Spare a thought for the man. God forbid, such a calamity can befall any one of us, what with crimes increasing by the day in the big cities.
Clearly, the time has come for the investigative process in such cases to be totally overhauled. We must be doing some very wrong things to destroy a man in such a fashion. I don’t know what the solution is, but I do know this: this is the worst thing to ever happen to any man, and any civil society cannot allow it. Yes, it’s possible the man is guilty, in which case he deserves it. But what if he isn’t? We’ve already hanged him over and over again.

So who’s next?

2008-05-15T10:49:00.002+05:30

I think the cricket bookies should expand their operations and do deals on which Indian city will get bombed next. It’s anybody’s guess, so lots of moolah can be made.

So then why am I trivialising such a ghastly matter? Simply because the terror agents are toying with our nation, we can do zilch these days but wait for another attack. It’s a gamble now, you just have to be lucky to survive. Blasts have become like a 20/20 cricket match, they keep getting played out every other day, only the venue changes.

And because they have been happening at such regular periods, most of us have lost interest. It would be interesting to find what TRPs the news channels scored on the night of the blasts, compared to the match in Kolkotta which was on at the time. So yup, it’s following the usual chain of events. Images of blood and gore. Tales of survivors. Damaged lives. Political blame games. Odes to the spirit of Jaipur. Empty rhetoric by netas and intelligence officers. Pseudo communal bonding. Soon, Jaipur will get erased out of our memories (exactly as it happens after the assorted Bombay blasts). See, we are already busy discussing Jayasurya’s pyrotechnics last night.

So till the next blast. I am betting on Mumbai. Any takers?

Ex Expressway?

2008-05-07T12:46:00.002+05:30

So now they are planning on policing the Mumbai Pune e-way. And if you dare to hit over 80, they’ll clamp down on you big-time. The only place left where you can really enjoy driving in this country will soon be snatched away from us.

And what has caused the sudden braking? One sleepy driver inside a desperately overloaded machine ran into the rear of another vehicle and caused the death of many. So now because of the misdeeds of one idiot, 99.999% of the rest of us must pay. Does this make sense from any angle? The whole concept of expressways is high speed driving. In many western nations, you get penalised for slowing down, and here we are, as usual, shifting into the reverse gear.

Using this logic, we should police all railway tracks because many fools cross them and lose their lives but that does not happen. We should ban smoking because some people get cancer but that does not happen. We should ban prostitution because some careless sods went in without protection but that does not happen. And yes, we should police every politician because a few are corrupt, and of course that does not happen.

What the authorities NEED to do is to get after illegally overloaded vehicles, but that they won’t do as haftas will get lost. So instead they have decided to reduce speeds of ALL vehicles, thus destroying the concept of an expressway.

Of course people will still die, cos some idiot will go to sleep even when he’s driving his overloaded coffin at 80 kms/hour, so then what will they do? Reduce the speed limit to 50? And then 30?

So let’s hit the e-way soon before it’s renamed the b-way. The bullock cart way.

Pirate BMC

2008-05-03T08:58:00.003+05:30

Suddenly, we are reminded of an asinine municipal decree that many of us did not even know existed! In Mumbai, we are expected to shell out nearly 30% in terms of taxes to the BMC on rents collected by us over our leased properties. How corny and unfair is that.

I have two huge, huge issues with this fatwa on real estate in the city. One, having paid humungous amounts on stamp duty, registration and other hurtful taxes, what business is that of the municipality on what we do with our assets? What business do they have eyeing monies we make on our assets, especially given that we already will pay income tax on the rents? Has anyone even bothered to ask what becomes of the stamp duties we pay, how much of that goes into lining the pockets of the corrupt babus and netas? And now, this!

Here’s what will happen if we don’t protest against this totally irrational levy: The landlords will jack up their rents to pass on the burden to the apartment renters, and this is another body blow on the middle class citizens of this city, who stay on rentals cos they can’t afford to buy prop in the first place. Is the BMC trying to drive the middle and lower middle class out of this city?

Two, many discouraged landlords will quit giving out their flats on rent
(don’t forget many building societies already charge higher maintenance on rented premises), thus leaving a whole lot of houses vacant. In short, a lose-lose situation for the aam aadmi.

Sadly, I don’t have access to the mass media to bring this issue to the fore. If you do, dear reader, please use that power to make sure this fatwa is scuttled immediately. Apathy has thus far got us nowhere. Now it will drive us out of this city.

Paison ki paathshala

2008-04-30T11:09:00.002+05:30

Here's my review of SRK's Paanchvi Pass for which the Mirror 'forgot' to carry my byeline. :(

In keeping with the great Indian reality television tradition, yet another international show has been adapted (read copied) for the desi audiences. ‘Kya Aap Paanchvi Pass Se Tez Hain?’ is based on the hit US show, ‘Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?’ Just as the title, the rules, the format, the setting, it’s all been borrowed (speak of cheating in class). The only novel element is Teacher Shah Rukh Khan, but more on that later.

The format

Paanchvi Pass (conveniently called PP by the convent educated) is a game show in which contestants compete for big bucks by attempting to answer questions taken from primary school class materials. Each contestant is presented with the chance to win up to Rs 5 crores by answering 11 questions taken from textbooks of first to fifth class. The contestant is presented with 10 subject cards, which she/he may answer in the order of her/his choice. Each correct answer moves the contestant higher up the moolah pyramid. If a contestant answers all 10 questions correctly, she/he is given a chance to answer an 11th question for Rs 5 crores.

And to make sure the ‘students’ don’t make complete fools of themselves, there are the usual lifelines called ‘cheats’. These cheats are classmates, which is a group of children seated on stage who answer the same questions as the contestant. Every two questions, a new classmate joins the contestant and becomes her/his teammate for those two questions. The contestant can use her/his cheats at any time during the first 10 questions.

Does it work?

It should in theory, given the deadly prize to be won (five crores is a new high for Indian television), and the apparent ease of winning the dosh when all you have to do is answer bachon ke sawaal. Compared to KBC, where, after a point, the questions used to get blisteringly tough. And I say in theory because the timing of PP’s launch could not have been more inappropriate. Whether the raunchy cheerleaders survive or not, the Indian audiences are all sold over the IPL matches, and the head-on clash could prove hurtful for the game show. I would be surprised if PP scores even half the TRPs the KBC shows notched up, despite the many dangling juicy carrots.

Sexy teacher

Which is perhaps why the channel (Star Plus) has roped in crowd puller SRK to play teacher, so if all else fails, there’s always the Badshah’s charisma to fall back on. Am afraid the star may not prove to be such a strong magnet on this occasion. Simply because when he hosted KBC 3, Shah Rukh was returning to television after nearly two decades, and there was huge curiosity amongst the audiences. These days, King Khan has totally hijacked Indian television programming, and much like Rakhi Sawant, is all over the place, either dishing out cute one liners at busy conclaves, or selling assorted products, or hawking his flicks or, yup, promoting his T20 club. The mystique is blown, and we are tired of the SRK overkill. So while in the first episode of PP the jeans-clad cool teacher did all he could to keep the excitement going, including flashing the legendary dimples and connecting fabulously with the kids, what I was more interested in was the on-going Mohali match.

I may not have scored many marks in my fifth grade, but am tez enough on my remote control. PP will have do a lot of homework if it wants a shining report card in that all important subject called TRPmatics.

Needed: young editors

2008-04-18T13:01:00.002+05:30

I was amused to watch one of the nation’s most respected editors, Vinod Mehta, trash the new IPL cricket tamasha as the death of the longer form of the game, and ‘pure’ cricket as we know it. Speaking on a news channel chat show, Mehta pointed out that the BCCI, which is duty bound to maintain and nurture the game, is determined to take it down the tube.

Now, Mehta is a fine editor, but his views on the T20 games (which I am sure will find resonance with all the old-world editors), tells us how out of sync some of these exalted gents are with the young new India. Rather than sounding the death knell of the test matches, these peppy edited versions will not just revive interest in the sport, indeed they will save the game from certain demise.

Cos the truth is the new gen just does not have either the time or the inclination to sit through five bloody days of a single match (note the abysmal attendance in the stadia), and even paying undivided attention to a one-day match has become a tall ask. What T20 has done is to bring the otherwise long and winded sport to be on par with football and other popular games, in terms of the demands of time it makes on you. With each match over in three hours, suddenly, cricket will find a whole new bunch of fans, AND get the defectors back. And perhaps make it palatable even to non-cricketing nations like the US.

I have not yet watched IPL’s matches (they flag off tonight), but am one hundred per cent sure they will be a huge hit, especially with young adults and kids. And the raunchy pom pom girls and the festive atmosphere will add the dose of entertainment the game badly needs... poor Ms Mandira Bedi can only bring that much to the table with her noodle straps.

As for the test matches, they are certain to die in the coming future. So then why not let the sport live on, I ask.

Anyway, the larger point I’m making is that we constantly demand younger leaders in politics and other professions. Perhaps the time has come to expect the same of the media; very clearly, the oldies in the newsrooms are struggling to connect with the new India, its mindset and its attitude. No wonder both news weeklies, Outlook and India Today, have become immensely unreadable of late. Hope the bada money bag media proprietors are reading in!

“Let them attack me with stones, I am not budging!”

2008-04-14T14:38:00.002+05:30

Here’s the interview I did last week with Bachchan for the Mirror. Some of you missed it and asked if I could post it here.
Incidentally, Bachchan is angry and hurt at the same time; one has to feel sorry for him in this instance. Where he invests his money and time is his right, and clearly no one can be tragetted on these grounds. Although he didn’t admit to it directly, the truth is, the actor is paying heavy for his maha celebrity hood. And his ordeal is not over yet, methinks much like a section of the Muslim community is compelled to do in this nation, he will have to keep proving, through actions and deeds, he cares for Mumbai. What a bummer!

Amitabh Bachchan has so far remained silent over the accusations that have been hurled at him by Raj Thackeray and his party. That the movie star’s loyalties remain with his home state, Uttar Pradesh, and that he has never shown much interest in his so-called karmabhoomi, Mumbai. But clearly, he has been quietly hurting even as the charges got hurled thick and fast, as did some empty beer bottles inside ABCL’s office.

Last night, as Bachchan prepared to travel overseas for a film shoot, he finally broke his silence and spoke emotionally on all the attacks on his reputation and integrity, and on being labelled an outsider in a city he’s spent a lifetime in. “I am not an outsider by any stretch of imagination. This land is my land as much as it is of every other citizen of our beloved country. I came to Mumbai in 1968 to pursue a vocation. I did not need a visa to come here. I have made this city my home for the last 40 years. I bought my first car here, and my own house. I met and married my wife in this city and both my children were born here. Both my children were married in this city from that same house. My two grand children were born in this city. My father and my mother spent their last years in Mumbai and died here. They were put to flames here and their ashes have mingled with the earth of this city. This city gave me name and fame beyond anything that I may have deserved or hoped for. I am not leaving this city and going anywhere. Let them chuck a thousand bottles. Let them burn my effigies and conduct morchas in front of my house. Let them blacken my film posters and stop the screening of my films. Let them attack me with stones and laathis or whatever else is there in their arsenal. Let them abuse me in the print and electronic media. Let them implicate me in false cases. I am not budging!”

To make matters worse for Bachchan, the Sena mouthpiece, Saamna, recently ran a report which compared him with Rajnikanth in the context of the Hogenekkal controversy, suggesting that while Rajni sided with his ‘karmabhoomi’, Tamil Nadu, while speaking out against his ‘janmabhoomi’ Karnataka, the same attitude is not seen when it comes to Bollywood stars. But Bal Thackeray’s later retraction of this report seems to have assuaged the star to an extent. “I feel honoured that I have a friend in Rajnikanth and even more honoured that, despite my insignificance, I am brought into comparison with him. Bala Saheb has been a father figure to us and shall remain so, ever. In my growing up years my parents taught me that 'when elders speak, the young listen quietly'. I quietly accept whatever my elder or his outfit has expressed.”

I am not up for scrutiny!

However, what remains to be seen is if the accusations will compel the actor to deliberately alienate himself from doing things for UP, and will see him participate in social work in Maharashtra. Bachchan vehemently denies this is going to happen. “Accusations and insinuations are not going to make me change the course of my conscience. I shall do what I want to do and what I feel needs to be done; whether it is in Maharashtra or UP or Bihar or Punjab or Bengal or Tamil Nadu or any part of the country. The people of this country have loved and given unbounded affection to my family and me. I am equal in the eyes of the entire nation and no one should stipulate what I must do or not. My sense of fairness and fortitude is not up for scrutiny. Every individual in a free society has the freedom of expression and speech. And I honour and respect that. But those that question me and my deeds or non deeds, need to know a simple fact: I am a public figure, not a public official. I am not a democratically elected representative of the people, neither do I hold any Government public office. I am answerable ONLY to the three C's... courts, constitution and conscience. Nothing and no one shall find a place, even remotely, into these honourable portals. People have the right to question me, as they do and must. But they do not have the right to demand proof for any activity of mine, particularly when they themselves are not eligible for such a misguided, heedless and a totally inappropriate task.”

Finally, why does Bachchan believe he’s been singled out for the attack on migrants from the north, why has he become the poster boy of communal hatred when he did not even apply for this ‘job’. The semi-philosophical answer is laced with hurt and sadness. “Sometimes in life, situations demand the proverbial 'whipping horse'. And there are a few 'chosen' people in this country that fit that bill.”

Honk! Honk!

2008-04-10T12:20:00.004+05:30

There are many harebrained ideas our babus come up with now and then (to prove they actually have a mind that works). And the latest joke played out on us was the maha stupid NO HONKING DAY.

And I find the idea pretty juvenile for two reasons. One, such glorious ‘days’ don’t work ever, we all know exactly what we do on Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day and Mistress’s Day, apart from making the Archies’ folks and the local flower vendor richer: zilch. So even if the odd sod went less horny on that one day, he was back being to his trigger happy self the very next morn.

But the bigger reason I say it shan’t work is this: the problem isn’t that we desis like to blow our own horns (that’s just another manifestation of a deeper issue). The problem is we Indians are basically uncivil people, we aren’t brought up to be sensitive to our environs and fellow citizens. We give a shit if any deed of ours causes inconvenience to the guy next door. So we piss and spit on the streets with impunity (and I am certainly not talking here of the have-nots), we break queues with gay abandon, we cause structural changes in our apartments (thus endangering the entire building), we burn loud crackers in the middle of the night, and yes, we blow our horns to make sure we have the right of way, I could simply go on.

Only yesterday, a group of convent school kids in uniform simply trotted past me in the McDonald’s queue without a sign of apology or remorse. It did not even occur to them they were behaving in a deeply uncivilised manner. And you can well imagine what these students will do when they grow up.

So the point is we have a cultural problem here, a genetic fault in our DNA, and it ain’t gonna be corrected in many generations, leave alone a single day.

Today, I am investing in a really shrill horn for my car, the one lorry drivers use on national highways. And I will blow the bastard trying to overtake me away from my sight.

Sorry!

2008-03-27T22:53:00.002+05:30

Some of you have written to ask where I have disappeared to. Well, I am busy all day chasing carpenters, plumbers, masons and maids. Have just shifted into a new home and am neck deep under rubble.

So do bear with my vanishing act for a bit more, and trust me when I do get back with a vengeance, you'll miss not having me around.

Till then...

The PLU Flu

2008-03-09T10:10:00.001+05:30

There you go, yet another proof that we are a majorly hypocritical urban society. The media has been going emotionally ballistic over the tragedy of an NRI techie who suffered a car accident in the US, got struck with paralysis, and is now lying lost and forlorn in a Dilli hospital. And egged on by a tearful newspaper, help (financial and otherwise) is pouring in for the dude from across India’s urban cities.

Good for him, and hope he recovers soon. However what baffles the mind is this: why are we so concerned about this particular chap’s well-being (he did not exactly get his injuries fighting across the Indo-Pak LOC), when we give a rat’s arse for millions of other Indians who face similar predicaments? Like the maimed soldier? Or the poor sods who lose lives and limbs at the hands of drunk city drivers? Or the servants and construction workers who slip out of high rise apartments? Or the beggars on the streets whose bodies lie unclaimed on the road dividers? Or brides who get beaten inside their homes for lack of dowry scooters and refrigerators? Or the farmer in Vidharba who is about to throttle his own fragile neck? I could go on.

The answer lies in the built-in hypocrisy in our middle class genes. We care only about People Like Us… unless he/she is ‘apna aadmi’, we give dog shit. This is the same reason the electronic media shed collective croc tears for the injustice meted out to Jessica Lal, but snootily looked the other way when one Priyanka Bhootmange (who the fuck is she, did you ask?) suffered the worst imaginable torture. It’s a disease that afflicts all of us big city livers, and I cannot for the life of me understand where the virus came from.

Let me wrap up by saying that I have nothing against the techie being offered assistance. But I have a serious problem that we would have simply moved on if his resume had said, dhobi, bikhari, kisan or jawaan.

Daft, daft, daft

2008-03-07T15:18:00.001+05:30

If we ever needed proof that news channels in India have gone to the dogs, especially the Hindi ones, then it’s arrived with the arrival of the victorious cricket team.

While one isn’t trying to belittle the team’s success, and they do deserve some cheering from us fans, truth is, it’s nothing but a one-day series win abroad (we lost the bigger Test series), and we have been there and done that before. It’s not like the team returned with the World Cup (in which they performed memorably miserably last year, and were kicked out of the first round itself).

But the way the TV editors have been going about with the street tamasha, one would think the heroes have returned after a fierce war with the neighbour, and with POK as part of their prize kit. Mind-effing songs have been composed, trainee reporters are running from pillar to post to find if Ishant Sharma likes his rajma chawal tepid or piping hot, one channel has turned into a matrimonial site for the monkeying Harbhajan. And they are trying to outdo each other in this fight of madness. The recent controversial budget is already history, and no one gives a rat’s arse for the dying farmers anyway. All these idiots will manage to do with this nautanki is to mess these young minds beyond repair.

I swear I will never switch to a Hindi news channel again from this day. I am jobless right now, and cannot afford to buy a new television set.

The cursed T-junction

2008-02-26T13:36:00.003+05:30

Ever since I quit my last job with the Mumbai Mirror Jan-end this year, I have mainly been on a cross-country drive. Mumbai-Bangalore and other delightful parts of southern India. In my experience, there is nothing better than a drive by the country to help untangle the messed up mind, to see things a bit more clearly and to chart out a new direction in life. And as any long drive traveller would tell you, there’s nothing more upsetting than to run into an unmarked T-junction along the highway, with one of those restless trailers honking rabidly inches behind your frightened back.

Well, thankfully, I didn’t face many such horrid Ts on the yatra, but am at crossroads in my rather fledgling, directionless career. While there’s no furious lorry on my tail, the angry bills certainly are, and as I head back to base in Bombay later this week, I need to decide which way to turn the damn wheel.

As I see it, I have two roads ahead. One, I forget all that I have done in the last few years in mass journalism, and retrace my steps back to advertising journalism, with which I began my career as a journo. This should not be too difficult as there are many opportunities in this field today, yes, even for crank heads like yours truly. But choosing this road will obliterate all the passion I still possess for doing my bit for the nation, for using communication as a tool to making a difference, however small… the reason I drifted into mass journalism in the first place.

The other road, of course, is sticking to the mainline stuff. The problem here is that while there is a way, there are far too many steep hurdles and axel smashing potholes lining the path. There are very few takers (in fact, none at all) in the Indian media for my kind of brutal, knock-out, mind-effed style, and after a few large pegs, I rationalise that by claiming to be ahead of my time, hic! The truth, of course, could be that the Indian media is running way behind sced, hehe. However, I could still hang in there, freelance a bit, do entertainment assignments, sell my soul doing the odd commercial stuff, and probably I could make by for a while. And then it’s a matter of luck too; I could end up with a trusting, ballsy proprietor, as Vinod Mehta of Outlook managed to do, and have a periodical of my own someday when the nation is ready for the hard stuff. But I readily concede that might never happen, and this turn could lead me to a career dead-end.

So then why am I boring you with my confusions with road maps? I guess because I’m secretly hoping one of you readers will play road marker for me. And also because I am sure all of you at some point do face such T-junctions in life, so I guess on some level you will identify with my predicament.

So you think, while I go stock up on the beers. Cheers!

Love story?

2008-02-20T12:14:00.007+05:30

I am a self-confessed fan of Ashutosh Gowariker. His Swades hit me hard in the guts like no other film has done, I have mentioned this in an earlier blog. And when a movie director pushes the envelope that hard, it becomes a real tough ask to keep it going. I present my two bits on JA with this context in mind.

Jodha Akbar is an immensely splendorous film, shot, art directed, lit and presented on a resplendent canvas, the sort of production values we usually don’t associate with Bollywood. Both Hrithik and Ash (the two not always admired for great acting skills) are more than convincing as ancient king and queen, and full marks to them for putting in wonderful performances. There are plenty of outstanding scenes in the film, my own fav is when Akbar, listening intently to the superb Khwaja song, most unexpectedly, joins the singers and sways to the music. A stunning cinematic moment, good enough on its own to watch the film.

However, the director has made one cinematic error, one that sadly weighs heavily against JA, and could cost the film its rightful berth in the category of outstanding Indian cinema. There is a rule we all learn as trainees in the advertising business, and Ashutosh would have done well to ponder on it before starting out on this high cost, blood and sweat adventure: Often, the magic lies in what you take out, and not what you put in.

The film is saddled with needless sub-plots which take away from what ought to have been a pure and simple love story, packaged with all the emotions that come with an inter-religious marriage, that too between the conservatively edgy Mughals and the passionately parochial Rajputs. I guess Ashutosh would justify the long and winded digressions as critical to providing a context to the core story, but I think he’s gone overboard on the framing, and that takes attention away from the artwork itself. The result is a patchwork of thinly connected little tales, not coming together to deliver a seamless body of work. I don’t think the length per se is an issue, which is what most critics opine. The longish length is visible ONLY because the various elements don’t synchronously gel. In the Bangalore multiplex where I watched the film, no one was in a hurry to rush home, but they clearly became restless because the pieces didn’t fit. Perhaps a brutal and dispassionate editor would have helped the director find the way out, even though it’s hard for a passionate man to lay his beloved baby in the hands of a stranger.

But I am not sure even that would have solved the problem entirely. It’s the art of telling a great story, simply yet entertainingly, which seems to have eluded the maker in this instance, something he did so magically with Swades and Lagaan. I think what started out as a love story, unconsciously turned into the life story of the emperor, which is not what we wanted or expected. And therein lies the rub. I know comparisons are odious, but I have to say Mughal-e-Azam worked BECAUSE it single-mindedly stuck to its theme of a love story and the connected father-son skirmishes, and despite the fact that the classic lacked the techical prowess of the makers of JA.

Sure, I will catch the film again when the DVD is out, to check if I missed something. But I deffy won’t watch it inside a cinema hall, it’s torturous being surrounded by weary, distracted audiences who fart out ugly Abhiash jokes and crappy Dhoom 2 dialogues during the most poignant scenes in the film. And the fimmaker must take some responsibility for this offensive side-entertainment.

I am converting, bhau!

2008-02-14T12:08:00.002+05:30

So, Raj Thackeray has stolen the manoos plank from right under the muddled mis-fit Uddhav’s feet, and that poor sod has no idea what hit him. Sure, his canny dad will do all he can to grab some mileage out of the death of the Nashik manoos who got killed in the riots, but the ideological damage is done.

The only thing that backfired against Raj is that he did not spend a single night in jail, else the resultant sympathy card would have gotten him a greater bang for his Marathi buck. However, he’s not done yet, this is obviously only the first stage of his divide and rule strategy. Expect many virulent speeches and violent road shows in the coming days and months.

So what will the muddled Uddhav now do? The only thing left for him to do: match his warring cousin with equal venom against the migrants. So until the next elections come up, the poor migrants are gonna be subjected to hell. Big B will of course carry on with biz as usual, it’s the sad taxi and doodhwalas who will face the Marathi music.

And we in the media will do the cousins a huge favour by religiously covering their dirty deeds. I think time has come for all non-Marathi folks to convert. From this day, I am changing my name (finally) to Anil Thackeray. I shall learn the lingo, eat only missal pav and puran poli, and practice the lovely lavni. Jai Maharashtra!

The cowardly editors

2008-02-11T12:03:00.000+05:30

As a journo, I hang my head in shame at the spineless behaviour of the media ever since the maha frustrated raj thackeray shot his mouth off. I don’t have space in newspapers anymore to speak my mind, but I would have gladly run this piece in the mass media at great risk to my life and limb.

Thackeray is a desperate man, and will do desperate things to be relevant in Maharashtra politics. Clearly, what he says is utter rubbish, and his insecure cousin has now joined the Marathi manus party. Sadly, there are enough gullible voters who will fall for this trickery, unmindful of the fact that this approach puts the safety of Marathis in great peril in the rest of the nation, ignorant of the fact that this crappy thinking will divide the nation into many disunited states, when it’s our safety from international terror agents that we should be worrying about. Add to that the fact that the state has a totally chicken hearted CM, a man for whom bravery and courage are four-letter words.

In such a damned scenario, it is the media that needs to take control before it’s too late. As a first step, one would expect editors to be writing front page edits on a daily basis on why the city WILL NOT take this sort of divisive politics lying down. There must be immense pressure put on the netas to shut their dirty mouths, and to try and educate people into seeing through their dangerous games. And as the next step, the Thackeray cousins should be blacked out from the media until they mend their ways. Media coverage is like oxygen for them, that’s what they feed on. Once the supply is cut, they are finished.

There is that toothless body called the Editor’s Guild, which I think meets once in six months over chai and pakodas, and does little else. The politicians will do what they are best at: take the nation backward. It is the media that needs to kick some bad arse, and in this case, we have been failed.

The biggest news right now is Sanju’s marriage with Manayata. God help this nation.

Bring this man here!

2008-01-31T14:06:00.000+05:30

So the chap who engineered and executed the Delhi Metro rail has been feted as the Indian of the Year by a TV channel. And apparently he won the honour because (and quite strangely) the public sector man got the metro done in time, efficiently and without taking bribes. Great!

Okay, can we now have this rare gent out here in Mumbai to put the city’s collapsed rail and road network on track? Can we make him the CEO of Mumbai? What use is stunning development in Delhi for the rest of the suffering Indians?

It’s often said Mumbai gets shortchanged by the central netas because they live in the capital city, and are concerned only about that place. And we Mumbaikars constantly carp that all the taxes generated out of the city get used to propping by Dilli.

Well, now’s the time to raise our voices, to collectively stop paying taxes till this Mr Sreedharan is transported to Mumbai. Do we gutless Mumbai people have the balls to do this? I think not. Also, I guess once Mr Sreedharan arrives, the corrupt local politicians would get busy thinking out ways and means to get his return ticket.

So sorry for wasting your time with this post. We are destined to go down the tube (no, not the railway one). Just needed to get this off my burning chest.

The marathon party

2008-01-20T11:47:00.000+05:30

There are some issues you don’t speak against in Mumbai, or you run the risk of being considered a social outcaste and an unfash loser. One such is the Mumbai Marathon, which is apparently underway as I write this.

Well, true to character, here goes. I think the Marathon is nothing but a crass nautanki, it sucks bigtime and is a hip fraud perpetrated upon the unsuspecting masses. If you have to do public service, do it quietly and without messing up the already choked city roads. Adopt a child. Donate money to your fav charity. Send your maid’s kids to school. You know the list. But running on the streets to raise funds for dubious causes or to create awareness on issues the world and its father already knows about is utter crap.

I think the Marathon is nothing more than a group of celebs and wannabes desperate to get some free media coverage, it’s a Page 3 party held outdoors. And it’s the outdoor touch that makes it novel and therefore popular. No one knows where all the prizes and monies end up, there is no transparency and who cares anyways. All we know is that some desperate for cash Kenyan or Nigerian hits pay dirt, and that’s that.

Now, if people want a quaint party on the streets once a year, so be it. But then let’s call it a Marathon bash, and I am happy to live with that. Only hope your nana or nani doesn’t need urgent medical attention today. This wild party has no time or patience for the sick and the dying.

Indian of the Year

2008-01-17T20:53:00.000+05:30

Was watching the NDTV Indian of the Year awards. I disagree with their choice of Dr Manmohan Singh. My vote goes to the Juhu new year molester. Why? Here goes:

1. He put the final nail in the long-held myth that Mumbai is the last remaining safe city in India, as far as women go.

2. Having done that, he now walks free, head held high.

3. And has some high profile netas going out of their way to make him a hero.

4. He has reminded us, in no uncertain terms, that HE is the real Indian. That all the talk of sensex, riches, fashion and modernity is just an insignificant one percent of India.

My winner, no doubt.

Nano, the elitist car

2008-01-11T20:48:00.000+05:30

Every time I express huge concern over the launch of the ‘lakhtakiya’ gaadi, and the resultant chaos on the city roads, I get reprimanded with, “Why, must only the elite drive cars?”

My point is, in the already messy metros like Mumbai, Delhi and Bangalore, the Nano will indeed turn out to be an elitist car. Here’s my theory, and quite frantically, I think I’ve got it right: a vast majority of customers will come from the high income segment, folks who will invest in Nano as the third, fourth or (heavens!) fifth car, for the lady, the mistress, the kids or even Moti, the dog. They will buy it for fun, for learning or simply for kicks. In a market where one crore has become one lakh, you can assume what value these people will place on the Nano. And this is the segment that, with money power, will swing in extra parking slots in their residential colonies, and if that doesn’t work, wouldn’t mind parking this cheapo car on the streets… who gives a damn if the local car lifter does his number.

And contrary of what experts believe, it isn’t really the bikers who’ll ‘upgrade’ to a Nano. In large cities like Bombay, the key reason they chose bikes is not because they are broke, but because they can’t afford parking spaces, and because with a bike, they can maneuver the city roads quickly. None of these two needs will obviously be satisfied by the Nano. If at all, owning a Nano as the first car puts an unhip label on a family, when a car is expected to be a status symbol!

Now, for sure Nano will find appeal with the lower income groups in smaller towns and villages, but it WILL be bought by the new money sods of Lokhandwala Complex in Bombay and Koramangala in Bangalore. And that’s what’s giving me the creeps.

Funnily, in our cities, the Nano will be the rich man’s car, not quite in keeping with the lofty social ambitions of Mr Tata.

Monkey biz

2008-01-07T20:46:00.000+05:30

I don’t get this: why do the Aussies find the monkey barb to be racist and offensive? I have tried to understand this from every angle, and don’t get it. The animal is much revered in India (some quick googling by Ponting will tell him that). We all descended from the apes, so where’s the racism? I have skimmed through Aussie folklore and find no reference to monkey curse or any such thing. At its worst, it’s a naughty jibe, nothing you can’t sort out over some chilled Foster’s. I guess the Oz team simply wanted to fix the combustible Sardar (they like Indians to be meek always), and once they got the handle, they moved on him.

Incidentally, my friend Satish from Mid Day seems to have got it right: What the kangaroos heard as ‘MONKEY!’ was actually Bhajji shrieking “MAA KI!” Hmm. This tour is really getting interesting by the hour.

Migrants to blame?

2008-01-06T17:51:00.000+05:30

Quite predictably, the netas have got into the molesting act, and Uddhavji is quick to blame the migrants for the problem. Though now he’s gone into hiding after it emerged that over half of the accused are the so-called sons of the soil.

And busy columnists (I am a blogger these days as no one will hire my services, hehe), have jumped onto the migrant-versus-local debate. Some suggest that migrants have lowered the bar in the city. Others scream this is a city of migrants, so how can one put out accusing fingers.

And I just find the whole debate laughable.

Because, migrants or locals, we Indian men are the bloody same, we are blood brothers when it comes to the issue of treating women as inferior beings. Read my answer to Gitanjali in the comments section of my earlier post for more details.

So the ‘good’ news is we desi cads have at least one thing in common: we may fight over places of worship, rivers, land masses, culture, food, etc, but when it comes to views on women, we are all the bloody same.

They asked for it?

2008-01-02T15:17:00.000+05:30

This is the same headline I used in a city newspaper when I commented on the recent rape and murder of a BPO girl from Pune. My point, which some readers misunderstood, because the figure of speech went over them, wasn’t that the poor girl literally asked for the crime. It’s just that having been aware of the fate that waited another girl in similar circumstances in Bangalore only a couple of years ago, the Pune lass should have been careful in her actions. Like, she ought to have refused going to work alone with the cabbie in the middle of the night.

Anyway, that column cost me dearly, the newspaper in question has curtailed both, the frequency and scope of my writings. Do I regret it? Of course not. For one, I apologised because the lingo went over some people’s heads and they felt offended as a result, and two, I stand by the point I was making. Thus, the gruesome headline is back.

I cannot understand why, on such a provocative night, in areas known to be frequented by drunk taporis, some girls choose to hit the streets. These areas are well known. Gateway of India, Juhu beach, Chowpatty, etc. And basic common sense would tell women to exercise caution. Like, if they wanted to collect their car or hire a rick/cab, a hotel like the Marriott would be happy to help. And if they simply stepped out for a walk, them um, yup, they asked for it.

Blaming the cops is absolutely silly in these situations, they cannot possibly monitor every street of the city. This is a cultural, sociological issue, indecent and beastly men exist in our midst, and they get particularly harmful on celebratory nights. And we know the joints they usually hang out on, the Juhu area if their fav for New Year. This is well known, and yet, some women choose to take their chances.
And to say the girls could have been out-of-towners is no excuse; in such a case, they ought to be even more careful on such nights.

So is one suggesting one should not condemn this incident? Of course not. Of course, the swines should be heavily punished to teach others a lesson. But I am sorry, I believe some responsibility also lies with the victims. I said that in the case of the Pune BPO girl, and I say it again. Thankfully, no one will stop my blog for my comments.